A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Wondering if someone would be able to help me with something.I am not sure if my boyfriend is just comfortable or if he is losing interest. It is something that I have been concerned with recently.I moved in with them a few months ago and to be honest, I am not truly enjoying it and I think the main reason is I have not really settled in and I have also started a new job where I am working from home - something that I have never done before so just a few big changes that I am still coming to terms with.He is 27 and I am 23 and has grown up in the town all his life. His family and friends live around the corner or a short drive away. My family and friends are about an hour away either by car or train. He has always been really sociable, something that I have just come to accept. However, sometimes I feel like he is taking me for granted in staying at home to watch the dog. The other day, he made plans to go climbing and I said that I wanted to go to the gym and that I would go after he left - something I have not done in a while but feel settled enough that I want to start going again. He asked me if I could go another day because he did not have anyone to look after the dog and he was not sure when he would be back. He then assumed I was okay his decision, so he went climbing anyway.He will complain if I talk too much after he comes home from work because he just wants peace and to "chill." Yet, when his friends message him about coming over for drinks, he is up like a bullet and out the door to spend time with them, and sometimes their girlfriends too, around at their house. We had a discussion the other day that lasted a few days before it cleared up where I mentioned feeling trapped, stuck in the house specifically so he could go out with his friends until late at night or early hours in the morning.Now I do not mind him going out here and there, but again, just seems like it is becoming too frequent. It is several times a week. He also, without speaking to me about it and finding out if I have plans, makes plans for us with his friends to go on double dates and such. He doesn't make plans sometimes with his friends and with my friends living so far away where plans needs to be arranged in order to see them, I just feel like I am constantly stuck in the house when he decides to go around to their houses.If I make plans, he always goes on about how I should have cancelled and tries to turn it around on me and questions what I would be like if he did that. No matter what I say, it does not seem to be good enough. He will pull faces and questions my answers if I say I would be fine with that.I understand going out is going to help getting to know people, but I am wary after the times I have gone out with him as he never comes home with me, gets people to drop me off at the house so he can stay until six in the morning and sometimes just disappears at parties and just leaves me for around 20 minutes or more with people I do not know.I am not asking to be stuck at his hip or to baby me, but it has just made me a bit wary because I am surrounded by people who are talking away with their friends and not sure when he will be back. It is a bit different now, I guess, now that I am getting to know people but still constantly lingers in the back of my head that I might be left getting dumped at the front door again to look after the dog so he can be out longer.I could understand if I want to go home at 10pm, but I always push myself through until the early hours of the morning to make sure he does not nag at me at a later date. I just don't know if it is the fact he is comfortable with me or if he is losing interest or maybe just taking me for granted.I don't know and I don't want to be overthinking anything either.
View related questions:
moved in, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2022): It seems you keep writing and asking similar questions or the same question again. You talk about a boyfriend and his dog, taking you for granted, ignoring or neglecting you.
People here give you their advice and you continue the same and then come back to it again. This achieves nothing other than wasting more of your time and theirs. I learned ages ago that if someone comes to me for an opinion and I give it and then carry on the same and then they come back and want to go over it again and again I am too busy. It is pointless.
They won't listen, they never do, so why tell them again?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2022): When you moved in, what was your plan for the case when it might not work?
What did you consider as being the litmus test that would tell you "This is *not* working for me. this is not what I meant to go through my 20's as... So... I'm calling it quits. And I'm not looking back." ?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2022): Moving-in to live with your boyfriend is just a trial. In a trial, you do (or try) something over a period of time to see how things will go. The trial can be extended, if things go well; but the trial can come to an abrupt end at anytime, because there is no established rule how long a test trial should be. That is, as far as romantic-relationships go! You set that rule according to your heart, depth of tolerance, and using your common sense. In a trial, you set criteria to be met that will prove whether your endeavor or investment is a success, or a failure.
You've discussed the issue with your boyfriend. There has been no significant change or effort on his part. I would say the trial is now over. Sit down, and weigh your pros and cons. You don't have to make any rushed or rash decisions.
The problem with so many women in their relationships is, sometimes they take too long before they make important decisions regarding their emotional-health and wellbeing; because even when they can clearly see a relationship is failing, they may want to have a boyfriend (or husband) so badly they'll allow themselves to suffer unnecessarily. They may become psychologically and emotionally traumatized. Then when they come to their senses, they'll end the relationship. The problem is, in many cases, they'll drag along baggage and cynicism into another relationship. Sabotaging every relationship thereafter; faulting every guy who follows for what their exes have done to them. Want proof? Read DC regularly! You're going through it presently. Hence, I rest my case!
You can't change people, or force them to be or do what you want them to. When you've made every effort, and see no success; you end it, even though it hurts. It hurts worse, by prolonging the suffering from him using you, and abusing you emotionally. Waiting for some miraculous turnaround may be a waste of precious time. Meanwhile, bitterness and frustration will set-in. Only marriages require a "ride or die" effort to salvage them. Boyfriends are disposable and replaceable. You're young, and have plenty of time to find real-love. Learn how to assess your relationship over time, to see if you are fulfilled; or if your romantic-connection is falling short of your needs.
Now it is up to you to decide if he is worthy of your suffering; or if it makes more sense to move back home, to reconnect and enjoy your friends and family, and eventually find another boyfriend.
You spend more time with his dog, than your boyfriend. Seriously?!!
Girlfriend, your options are wide-open!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 August 2022):
 Oh honey he is totally taking you for granted.
Is this the same guy who went fishing and made you dog sit?
If so, why haven't you left yet? Break up with him, Go home, stay with family until you can find a place of your own.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2022): You are underthinking if anything. Yes,he is taking you for granted,big time ! If you don't see it ,it is because you do not want to see it. His taking off and leaving you stuck with his dog to take care of, is not an once off, it is a regular evenience.I remember you wrote us several other times ,with a catalogue of horrors which just gets worse every time. I am not saying that he does not like you in his own way...but his own way is a selfish, entitled way that includes no respect at all for you. The sooner you admit it , the better . You have the choice , though , is u to you.You can sulk and moan and complain to DearCupid, -while you keep accepting psycological abuse .Or you can take your life and future back in your hands and go back to your friends and family ,which you have left in change of...nothing.P.S. - the ONLY thing your bf might have a point is that you should not freak out if you are left to fend for yourself at a party for 20 minutes.You say "20 minutes" as if it such a looong time to spend at a social event without your partner by your side..while instead it is very normal, parties are for meeting new people, mingling, socializing - if one has to stay all the time with her partner then might as well not going out and staying home to do a "Netflix and chill " thing !
...............................
|
