A
female
age
41-50,
*astlondonlass
writes:I don't know whether I'm being an idiot and wasting my life waiting for someone who will never commit, or whether my man just needs some time...I've been in a relationship with a man 12 years older than me for three years. Things are great between us and we've had to deal with a lot since we met. We had both left serious realtionships beforehand (although neither of us have ever been married and we have no kids), then after we started dating he was made redundant from a good job and a close family member of his died suddenly which hit him hard. When he finally found a new job it paid him just half his previous salary and he was forced to move out of his home and back in with his family. This had a huge impact on him and he was quite depressed.Then, after all this, I fell ill and have been diagnosed with a long term condition which (without going into details) causes a lot of pelvic pain and has disrupted our sex life.Despite all of this things between us are better than ever and we are truly in love... but now I really want us to make a commitment and he is hesitating.We don't live together yet, and I am reluctant to move in if we are not going to make a proper commitment. Every time I try to talk to him about this stuff he manages to make me laugh and move the conversation on, which I'm starting to get fed up.I'm worried that if I'm not careful my resentment about his lack of interest in committing to me will poison our relationship. I am a confident person and am not scared to be alone - I just think that breaking up with him would be losing so much for both of us. We have an amazing relationship but just 'dating' is not enough for me any more.If he was my age (in his late twenties or early thirties) I would feel that he was just young and feeling his way, but because he's a decade older I'm more impatient with him because I think he should know his own mind and be able to make a decision about whether a life with me is what he wants.He's had serious girlfriends in the past, none of whom he's committed to properly. I know this sounds a major warning sign, but I stress that day-to-day we have a great relationship and a wonderful connection.I know that if he can't give me the commitment I need I should keep my options open and think about breaking things off. Settling down and having a family is something that's really important to me. But it seems sad for us to lose what we have just because he is scared to make ac ommitment. Do you guys have any advice about talking to guys about the quesiton of commitment without sounding like a mad woman hiding a big white dress in the cupboad? Thank you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (29 April 2011):
 Ask him where he see's himself in five years. Guys usually have plans even if they don't fill you in on them.
Just listen and nod and agree and say ah, yes I see, that's a good idea..
If you're not in there, (and don't lead him on) I'd say you've got a much longer wait. If you're in his plans than give it a month or two and tell him your five year plan.
Then let him come back to you with the commitment question.
If a man thinks she's got him committed, he'll start to feel the resentment along the way and that's no good.
But start with that five year conversation.
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