A
female
age
26-29,
jane2000
writes:Ok, I will start from beginning.I have been with my partner coming up to one year. He has never given me reason not to trust him. About 6 months ago, he went away and gave me his email password so I could check it for him. I have never snooped. Never had reason too.About a month ago, I was on his computer and he was on his brothers laptop sitting next to me. I was about to type my email address in when all these links (internet history) popped up, there was heaps of them and they were for a dating/casual sex wesbite. I asked why he had gone on the site. He denied it saying he did years ago and mabye his cookies werent clearned on his computer.So anywway i believed him and asked him to clear the cookies. Since then I have felt uncomfortable about it. So i logged onto his email and found his account details for that site. He had started using it 6 years ago. I logged on as him and it seems you need to pay every month to have your account activated. He cant contact people, they cant contact him and he cant upload photos. HOWEVER, He can view profiles. I have started a excel spreadsheet and over the last 2 weeks he has viewed 40 profiles.I need your advice on whether to raise it again with him? Should i show him my spreadsheet? I dont understand why he swore he wasnt going on that site and that he didnt have an active account, when it is very obvious that he is viewing profiles.Please help. Should i leave this alone or dig further/confront him?? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 If the water in the pond is calm ,
there is no reason to throw pebbles in it.
Just keep it to yourself and do not cause ripples in your life.
Keep your eyes open and that is all you need to do for now.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): it honestly sounds pretty much the same as the thousands of people who log on to this site everyday. simple curiousity and a small touch of vouyerism. he gave you his email pasrword - sounds pretty innocent to me.
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A
male
reader, WizardOfWaz  + ♥, writes (28 April 2008):
 First of all many more millions of people view profiles on these sort of sites without iniaiting contact than those who pay to use them for the actual purpose of trying to get a date. Even after a few years of occassional visiting the site your boyfriend still does not have a proper account so it looks like whatever purpose he looks at these sites is, it hasn't been to get a date.
So your boyfriend may be in the majority of those who are just curious and that is why he has made no attempt to clear his history files.He even gave you access to his email account which also seems to indicate a clear conscience.
It is maybe because you are trying to make a federal case out of nothing that he get's a little defensive about it, if you approached the subject on more friendly terms such as asking him what he thinks of the sites and the people on them you may get a more reasonable response.
Otherwise you should just drop the subject until you get actual evidence of some real infedilty rather than just common indications of plain old human noseyness.
Regards
Waz
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2  + ♥, writes (28 April 2008):
 It seems that he is curious about this site, he hasn't taken the steps to be contacted or has contacted any one else, but he is just lurking and viewing profiles.
I would assume that he hasn't the balls to actually use this site to meet women, he is just in his head about it.
If you want to get to the bottome of it, just talk to him like a human being, leave out the spreadsheet and the detective work or your gonna freak him out....just tell him you checked and it looks to you that he is actively viewing the profiles and you want to know what the hell is going on with him.
Seek first to understand then try to be understood,....to do that, you need to put your defenses down, you need to try and put yourself in his place and forget about what you need or think or value, just hear him out...and then tell him where you are with that.....sit with your feelings for a bit and then decide if this is a relationship that you want to continue, and if so, what are your boundaries, what is it that you will accept from him, what is it that you won't? And then tell him.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (28 April 2008):
I think you need to really think about whether you want to be with him or not. Personally if I was in your shoes I would be out of there. There is no explanation that he can give you that won't leave him either like a sleaze or a love rat. And clearly your trust for him has broken down. That is a very hard thing to get back and will never be the same again.
Over to you now I think.
Good luck
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