A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I need some urgent advice. I have been dating a guy for 2 months. He is 40 years old and his mother is living with him. We have different backgrounds in the sense that I grew up middle class where he is an only child in a rich family. We are intellectually well matched and enjoy the same things. His mother has however become a big problem. As we live in different cities about 60 km from each other we mostly see each other on weekends only. She has now become upset because he doesn't spend time with her. I don't think I can ever live in the same house as her, as I am used to my own place. I am currenty living in my own house. I don't know how to go about this. I have discussed this with him, but he feels that she is old with bad health and she needs him. I am starting to think he is a real "mommy's boy". I want to build a solid relationship but she is making this impossible. I have big doubts to my future with this man, as it seem to be a package deal that includes his mother! Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): I share the pain with those who married to a mommy's boy. We are both 43 years old and have been married for almost 6 years. Before marriage, we lived in different countries and thus, it was a long distance relationship. I failed to observe what he is like when he is with his family. Only if I knew then, I probably would make a different decision.
Now we live in a different house from my parents-in-law but my husband shares every small details with his mom everyday. My husband lacks inertia to things happened around our home but very eager to help out when his parents need assistance. He shares thoughts with them but not me. I feel emotionally very distance from him. Because of this, for the 6 years that we have been married, I might only have sex with him less than 10 times. Funny is that he never complains.
I have explained many times in a harmonious fashion how I feel in this relationship. He remains unchanged. Mommy's boys are very selfish. If you see your boyfriend has these "qualities", either you are prepared to live with it. If not, you better get out before you get too deep. I lack fuel to stay in this relationship. What's the point of "communicating" when he refuses to make any changes. I am losing my self esteem when I am consistently being treated as a second class citizen. There are times I hate him that I can't even talk to him nor look into his eyes. So my advice is to stay away from mommy's boys.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): I'm sorry women, this is what has become of men & boys in society. You don't want them to be boys, you want them to be or act like the girls. The shouldn't be active, playful, energetic or have the need to go outside and play. They shouldn't fight, they should stand there and take it. That's a good boy, don't fight, don't stand up for yourself. No you should be subservient. You should act like the girls, go read a book, sit down and be quiet.
Sorry, what do you expect. You coddle them and on the other side you raise your daughter's to be princesses. They do no wrong, and are brought up to believe that the man is to take care of her. You also need to stop with you'll never marry. Why cause she'll never meet or live up to mommy's standards or expectations. Will she? If he rebels against mommy then the wife is a bitch that stole her little boy. On the other hand mom's you need to let go and live with the fact that the bird leaves the nest and has to go on his own. Respect that and you may find that you'll have a better relationship than if you keep pressing for the affection that the woman in his life has and should have. Moms stop trying to make the son's choose. It is not fair. Why should he choose? He has decided to take this woman as his bride. He is his own man, let him be his own man.
Two last things, first, I'm here to tell you that no man was put on earth to please someone else. The only person that was put on earth to make you happy is you. Second, raise your children both boys and girls with care, love and respect, with the realization that they are going to grow up and lead lives of their own.
As an aside, I have to boys and I am raising them to be their own person, so that when they leave the house the are able to stand on their own two feet. I will always be here for them, but they will have their own lives.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): I'm in a marriage with a man that his mother won't let go of him. I'm cut down at every turn and blamed for every thing that's gone wrong in her life since I married him. I'm very unhappy with the relationship. I thought he'd at least defend our marriage when It came to his mother but, nope wrong again. Better to let him go. If he really loves you he'll come after you and tell his mom that he loves you and like the bible says "leave his parents and cleave to his wife" if he doesn't, now he won't then.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): i think first search your own feelings. it may be that you want to have exclusive possession over him and therefore perceive his mother as a threat. maybe. or he may truly be a mommy's boy which will be a heartache for you should you attempt to have a husband/wife bond with him.
it could be that if he is a good and responsible son, that he will be a good and responsible husband as well. you may even like his mother and form a relationship of your own with her.
give it some time and examine it from many perspectives.
if he takes responsibility for his mother solely, and excludes you as a partner this could be dangerous. were you to marry, both of you jointly would be responsible for her care. it would be a threesome for sure, but could be a healthy one.
i have a mother in law issue as well that i am dealing with and frustrated with, and i have a daughter with a new husband so i am the mother in law. so i have a few perspectives on the whole thing and i have come to sort it out by trying to "self-examine" who i am and what i want. as far as my daughter, i trying to develop a healthy relationship with her new husband through small converstations, through treating them as a "them". I try not to single her out of the relationship but try to treat the relationship as a unity.
as for my mother in law, she simply refuses to let go of her son. she is a mother and only a mother and her entire identity comes from that. she is not married. she depends on him for emotional support. it truly disgusts me. she will not have a relationship with me because she wishes that i did not exist. i wanted out many times but then i try to look at my husbands reactions to her and i see how unhappy she is making him. i try to help him know that he is not his mothers emotional life support. this is an ongoing effort and at times exhausting.
anyway hope this helps, at least you know you are not alone
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): I have been married for 4 years to a mommy's boy . I am 41 and he is 46 years old. Although I don't know for sure, I suspect his mother never liked any of the women in his life.They sometimes go out for lunch without me of course and there is something very sneaky about my husband and he lies to me and puts his mother before me when it comes to seeking advice. I don't think he can emotionally share himself whith another woman at all. It's like I live with a stranger. He only likes to hang with a couple of his buddies and when his mother expects him to be somewhere he's almost always there. Over the past 4 years. she has only called me once because she was returning a call from me.They seem to only talk when i'm not around and he always checks in with her if we go out of town. There are many different varieties of mommy's boys. I can tell you that there is never any releif if you choose to stay in this kind of relationship. He will never change. I am now living in my own house and still married to him although he filed for divorce last year while he was out of town on a hunting trip and hid in the mountains when I got served.Since then the divorce was cancelled, but I wonder if it was the right thing to do.I'm miserable and feel so alone and He won't ever change. Mommy's boys are very selfish when it comes to intimate relationships.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): I fully agree with Irish49. You know why? Because I am in your man's situation. I need to look after my mother. My sisters married when I was too young to leave the house and now I need to stay here.Now, there's one thing I would like to warn you about. Because the mother depends on your guy, maybe for health reasons (like mine), she will not like you until she is sure you mean "no harm", that is, until she knows that her son won't leave her alone with her diseases. This is not easy. Make sure you truly understand what situation she is in. Sometimes mothers are possessive and exaggerate their illnesses to blackmail a child to stay with them.
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A
female
reader, Sincere_07  +, writes (8 June 2007):
Oh Dear!
I have first hand experience with this sort of situation and i can honestly tell you, you will never be able to compete with his mother.
I don't know if it's something in a mans genes but there is a high percentage who walk around as men leaving there genitals in their mothers handbags.
My mother was married to such a man. He was not an only child but had been raised by his mother alone. His mother, after a 12year war, is what broke the relationship. She finally got her own way poisoning him against my mother.
When they got together my mother was almost 40 and Phillip was just 17. From day one his mother was (i was witness to a few discussions he didn't know anyone could hear) drumming into him that he would never have his own children, he would be carrying my mothers baggage around for the rest of his life, she's to old for him etc
I don't know what it is about women and their sons, i have to admit my mother is exactly the same with my brothers no one is good enough for them, and my two brothers are horrid to women and always demand more than they are prepared to give.
You need to sit with him and discuss where your relationship is going to go. If she is genuinely a nice old dear, then how about you speak with him and you all start to spend time together? obviously you don't get to much time together as it is but i strongly suggest testing the water deeply before you jump in and take the whole package.
It could work out that a few hours lost with his mother now could mean the rest of your lives together. Or, it could mean you can't take the relationship between him and his mother. DO NOT EVER let her think you are not good enough for her son and certainly don't let her push you a side.
If you feel yourself being sucked into a situation and you really don't want to go there, then he can't be right for you and you should end it before it gets to deep. Anyone who pushes you into a situation you don't want to be in, regardless of what you tell them, can't really care about what you think or feel.
It is his decision to want to be with you he just has to be strong enough and break free from his mothers grasp long enough to tell her.
I suggest you have a quick chat with him let him know how you feel, and do try not to ruffle feathers. If it is that he decides his time is best spent with his mother then it is his loss and you should move on and find a guy who treats you like the goddess you are and has no mothers approns strings guiding him on his way x
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A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (8 June 2007):
 Let's see if I have this right. You've been dating a 40 year old, long distance, you both seem compatible and he live with and cares for his elderly Mother. You do mention "you can never live in the same house as her, as you are used to your own place." And you both have actually discussed this You both are clipping along quickly for just 2 months, I will say. But it does sound like you communicate well and the 'cards are being laid out on the table'. Have you been around his Mother and seen how he interacts with her? If you haven't...you should. Why? Because you have to distinquish whether he is a Mommy's Boy or if he's a good, loving son, who is being responsible for his elderly parent, who needs help. Maybe her health is failing and he simply feels obligated to help her? Does he still have his own life apart from her? Makes his own decisions without her approval? The key component I see here, is that your relationship is just in it's infancy (2 months old)---you and he are still establishing a deep friendship and bond, that may one day, supersede his bond to his Mom. I guess I am trying to make you understand, that his close relationship with his Mother, might possibly mean that he has the potential to be a sensitive, affectionate and responsive man to you. Could you be too focused on competing with his Mom? I suggest you step back, and take yourself out of this race and really look and see what is happeneing here.
A Mommy's Boy is a grown man who is far too enmeshed emotionally and co-dependant on his mother to the point of absurdity. Men like this never have healthy relationship a with love interest. He's emotionally distant with his dating partner and she always feels 2nd best, all the time. He does turn to his Mother for approval on all he does. Some questions to think about. Does he have his own personal life apart from his Mother? Does his Mother do his laundry, cook for him and smother him, all the time? Does she put you down? Does he back her up on all she says excluding your thoughts and input? Now the Mother who has a deep relationship like this, with her son, is quite often an exploitive, strong willed person and her actions do not say love at all, exsists. She's a taker and he is mistaking her manipulations for healthy love.
I am a Mother of a 26 year old son. He by no means, is a Mommy's boy. He is very strong, independant and has a separate life and although seeks my advice sometimes, he certainly does not hang out on my doorstep..that would drive me batty! I do not offer to do his laundry nor clean his house. (Never!) In fact, I avoid doing that like the plague...he's on his own. But like all my kids, we share a healthy and respectful relationship. I will admit that 99.9% of Mothers out there want to remain connected to their children, adult children, included. But the Mother and adult child must find the proper balance between being support ive to each other and and not too overly-dependent. Some Mothers have a hard time with this concept..they don't know how to step back. So the problem could be 'more' her that your bf.
My advice: Let him know your needs in this relationship and see how this plays out for another few months. You have spoken to himn about this...keep it up and go and observe them together, if you haven't already. But, if there ever is a point where you want to be with him,,set a boundary on what you expect. You can say "However, she is older and in poor health and I respect your caring relationship with her. But you need to know--I will support you in all you do to be helpful to your family, including your Mother. And if we do live together someday, I need you to know--I will not live with your Mother." But dear, if you really, really do feel he is a Mommy's Boy in the worst, way...bail now. Men like this feel entitled to a devoted, special love without having to give back--and he may expect you to 'Mother' him long after his elderly Mother, passes on. Just something to think about. But make the best decision for you.
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