A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together since summer 2020. We’ve been in a happy committed relationship. He just turned 27 this week and I am turning 28 in December. Since then we have made huge strides. We live together, own a dog together, pay bills together, go on vacations together with our families, spend holidays together, we are basically married without being married. But here’s the plot twist. I don’t have a ring and we’re not engaged which is some thing I desperately want. We’ve had the conversation numerous times he knows for sure it’s some thing I want and he says it’s something he wants also. He promises me someday soon it is going to happen but My patients are wearing a little thin. With the holidays approaching I’m hoping a proposal will happen but I know he’s a procrastinator and I’m really not sure, I’m not getting my expectations too high. I feel like I’m getting older as the days go on and I really want to start a family and it’s something I think about almost everyday but I’m not sure if I'm just over thinking. Is a year and and 4 months enough time for a proposal? Am I being that crazy girlfriend? I really would like some advice on this. Can anyone give any input?
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female
reader, Hunted +, writes (5 November 2021):
From my own experience one cannot rush a man into marriage.
If you love him him don’t complain. Stay with him and see where it goes.
Ask yourself would you miss him if you left him.
Enough to be upset if you left?
Then you probably couldn’t get him back.
That would not be an option for me.
Be content.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2021): Ultimatums does not sound very loving or friendly and a sure fire way to make sure they completely lose interest. The more you nag, push, demand, expect the less he will want to. It sounds bossy and bullying and all me, me, me. Totally pointless anyway when it's only a ring and a piece of paper that can get ignored later. You seem to be obsessed with snaring this guy as if he is a possession instead of being concerned that the relationship works for both of you and he is happy too. The way you are thinking you will end up with nothing at all, lose him completely. At least this way you are together sharing a life. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. How come you do not think he will love you in ten year's time if he wasn't snared with a ring and a piece of paper? How come you don't think that the ring and piece of paper change nothing anyway?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2021): He is not procrastinating. He is finding ways to say maybe eventually instead of no because you are pushing him and bullying him with it and he is fed up with you bringing it up. You don't sound an attractive proposition. If I were a man I would not want a girl who keeps pushing and pushing for something. Just because he wants to live with you does not mean he has to want to marry you too. You should not have agreed to live with him if it was not enough.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2021): A ring is just a ring, nothing much on it's own.
A piece of paper is just a piece of paper, nothing much on it's own.
This desperation to put your brand on a guy is what puts most men off. It makes you look so needy, as if you are not sure that you can keep his interest in 5 or 10 years time, that you can only be sure of him if he makes cast iron promises.
But he can go back on those anyway! You also forget that it might be you that wants to cheat or end it in 5 or 10 years time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2021): Nagging and moaning about it will push him away and make him less keen on you than he is now. Beware of the ploy of buying you an engagement ring - a lot of guys do this - the engagement means nothing and goes on forever - they have no intention of marriage, they just buy the ring to shut you up.
Before you moved in together you should have discussed all of this!!!!
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female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84  +, writes (1 November 2021):
Did you make marriage a requirement before deciding to move in? You didn't. You moved in and this showed him that you are fine woth how things are.
Have a discussion with him and hear what he has to say on the matter. If, after all this time co-habitating he wants to wait then you have your answer.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2021): Why should he buy the cow when he can get his milk for free?Have more respect for yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2021): If you are both on the same page then no, it's not too soon. But equally if he isnt ready then he isnt ready and you shouldnt pressure him and issue ultimatums. He knows what you want. Maybe just give him a bit more time to get to the same point. Dont be disappointed if he doesnt propose over xmas. That isn't fair to demand that of him
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2021): If he had any intention of proposing and marrying he would have done that by now instead of getting you to live with him. He has all of the advantages of marriage without any of the bad bits now, there is nothing in it for him to make it legal and official. The piece of paper that women crave is just that - just a piece of paper - it guarantees nothing. Lots of men marry and then cheat, flirt, sniff around others or run off. It does not mean the relationship is better or lasts longer.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2021): My wife and I had arranged marriage. We didn't know each other at all. 46 yrs ago and we are still happily married.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 October 2021):
What is the hurry here?
You ask "Is a year and 4 months long enough for a proposal?", for some, sure. For others no.
I think it's MUCH better to TAKE the time to ENSURE that the partner you have picked is the RIGHT one long-term, than getting a ring and a party.
I think you need to chill. Just a little. It is AS important to YOU to pick the right partner and potential father of your child as it IS for him to be sure HE picked the right woman.
As long as you don't SHARE a bank account, start having kids or BUY a house together, I think you all are fine.
If you are OK with a deadline - so to speak - why not 2 years? I'd say most people KNOW by then if the partner they have picked is the right one for them. And IF he doesn't propose by 2 years REEVALUATE if HE is right for you.
Does he WANT to marry?
While you LIVE as a married couple - or really ANY healthy couple at 1 year 4 months in, that doesn't mean HE wants to get hitched or have kids. I hope you two have talked about all this.
What is more important? Getting that ring or finding the RIGHT guy?
Take your time. And decide when YOU think it would be reasonable to propose. Personally, I think 1 year and 4 months is kind of rushing it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2021): There are two sides to this issue to be considered. You on the one-hand should expect your partner to be on the same page, and investing as much into the relationship as you are. From your description, you truly are living similar to a married-couple. By all indications, you've discussed the probability of marriage and your expectations. You take your relationship seriously, and you have also made it known to your partner that you're in it for the long haul; and you intend to take your relationship to the next step. You have made it pretty clear that you see marriage in the future.
On the other-hand, he has to feel as secure in the relationship as you are. He is a little spoiled in the fact that he has had his cake and eaten it too; because he's getting everything now that he'd be getting if you were a married-couple. He still has the option of making an exit, when he feels things aren't exactly what he wants out of the relationship; or if things just suddenly go south. It's not just about how you feel about him, and the relationship; it's also about how he feels about you, and your relationship. He should, in all honestly, be cautions and deliberate when taking such a big step. He should not feel rushed or pressured. He has to make sure that when he asks, he means it. He should be serious about it, and certain he will follow-through with it. There can be no doubt, or pulling-out at the very last-minute.
I read a recent article online about what men feel that they wish women understood. A couple of things (among many) mentioned in the article, was that some men want women to know they don't always want a relationship when they attempt to connect on friendly-terms with a woman; and another is that they sometimes want long-term relationships, but may not have marriage in-mind. The mistake many will make is not being honest about their intentions; because they don't want to scare women off, and miss that opportunity. We should always be honest with our partners as to what are fullest intentions are. Once your relationship has been fully established, of course. Honesty and transparency are always a prerequisite; you can't just rush into marriage, because it is certain you will rush out of it just as quickly.
We can't tell you what's enough time for a proposal, because what's right for one couple could be different for another. Before you seriously commit to any man, he should have a full-understanding that your goal is finding true-love, you want commitment in marriage, and children in your future. He should know any relationship you're committed to is serious, and has this goal at heart. You are not dating, you live together; and you're sharing practically everything. You didn't spring anything on this guy in surprise, and you didn't set any traps. I hope you'll be wise enough to hold-off on having babies. "Baby-trapping" doesn't guarantee you anything. He can still leave, and marry somebody else!
Try and be patient, but keep reminding him that you want your relationship to evolve; and you hope your feelings for each-other are strong, and on the same page. Ask him to always be honest with you, not to lead you on when discussing the future. If he has any reservations or reasons he is hesitant; be straightforward with you. Then you have to allow for him to be honest, and have the courage and strength to accept his truth. If that truth is not in-line with what your hopes are for your future; don't let him reap all the benefits only a husband deserves, only to move on at some point.
In my honest opinion, for a well-established, and mature committed-relationship; you should know when you've reached the point marriage could be considered. You also have to consider your finances, if you've reached your career-goals. Make all effort to tweak and ironed-out the little quirks and flaws in your relationship; and then your engagement should be considered exclusive, faithful, and fully committed in preparation for your forthcoming nuptials.
If he's dragging his feet, it may be that he's planning for the right moment; but be careful about nagging him into it. If he feels too pressured, he might spook. You know him, you know his level of maturity, you know when he's serious, and you have a gut-feeling when he's not being truthful. If you don't really know these crucial things about the man you want to marry, it might be too soon. You have every right to make sure he's taking your commitment to him seriously; and he also should know he's not going to take advantage of all the benefits he only deserves as your husband and lifelong-partner. Just don't be over-anxious about getting married; because of your friends or sisters. I understand your biological-clock, but your family should be stable and secure as well. It's about mutual-love and complete trust. If you're shaky in those areas; he's wise to hold-out, until he feels totally secure and ready. Then he can pop the question! You shouldn't rush to say "yes;" until you feel he did it straight from his heart, and really means it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2021): I think if you live together and are co habitating like a couple . You have every right to expect a ring to solidify what your relationship means . That doesn't mean you need to get married next week.. Next year .. etc .. I was engaged and living with my husband for 5 years before we got married but we were engaged so just explain to him what the ring would mean to you and that your not expecting marriage asap ..
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