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Involved with married man & I'm really messed up

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 January 2009) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 January 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey everyone,

I need some advice. I am a 25 year old young woman who fell in love with an MM a year ago. It all started when he made a pass at me unexpectedly. Because I trusted him, and he is a leader at my church, I did the wrong thing because I was vulnerable after a really bad breakup. He was about to leave his wife when we started talking, then everything changed when he decided to stay. I guess I know that after a year I should leave him alone but it's so hard. He took my virginity and Im afraid to leave my church. Whats worse is that he doesnt treat me the way that I know I deserve to be treated. He has a bad temper. He has never hit me, but he has broken me down into a weak needy woman. Its all about control. On the other hand, when he wants to be he is so sweet and tells me what I want to hear. I am so weak, and Im in trouble. This man is a leader at my church, and at the end of the day Im the one who's going to walk away from this destroyed. That kills me deep inside so I say to myself, go thru the pain of ending this, or stay and take the crumbs? As I am writing this, I realize that I need help for low self esteem. I used to be a strong confident woman, and this affair has broken me down. Everytime I see him and his family together in my face, I feel ashamed, guilty, used and humiliated, but then the cycle starts again because when he starts being nice to me I let him back in. Because of a horrible broken breakup before this affair started , Im so scared of being hurt, lonely and by myself again. Im also scared that no one is going to want me. Any advice for me? As you can see, I really need help. Im going to see a therapist soon.

View related questions: affair, fell in love, married man, self esteem

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009):

It has been 2 years since I had an affair with a married man. I feel like I can relate to your situation because, my virginity was taken aswell. I feel the best thing you could do for yourself Is find a new church and move on with your life. Its hard. I know that, after so long I am still in love with this much older man than myself. However I have too be strong minded as I have been lately.

I dont think i will ever get over him. maybe you should accept that too. I looked for posts similar 2 what i went through and i think it helps knowing we are not alone.

Good Luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009):

I am a 33 year old woman who truley understands your pain and confusion... Searching myself for self esteem lost and battling the pain that comes with being in love with a married man.I know firsthand of the raw feelings; the guilt; and the confusion the situation brings. Wanting so much to walk away... hating myself for continueing to stay. I have with much shame within listened to what I know to be lies blanketed with words of love and companionship. I like yourself wound up in his arms and mesmorized by his words on rebound... With myself a failing marriage and a yearning for the attention he had given to me at that same time. My situation is now 7 years in the making and nothing has changed. He is still married and I continue to sleep alone... It is a relationship that has no future and struggling to find defination to what you and I hold onto is pointless...I am sure you are a beuatiful woman with much to offer to someone who will cherish you... Dont see me in your mirror 6 years from now... Find the strength that I so desire and move on... My

time is near but with the tangled web I have woven.... It may take me a little longer... I am now divorced and within that marriage the Lord blessed me with 3 precious boys and " my married man " happens also to be my employer. I continue to want out but my mistake now has become a sacrifice to insure I can continue to give to my babies what my selfishness took from them. I wrote to let you know that you are not alone and have hopes that by sharing alittle of my story that it will help you find the path back to where you deserve to be... I wish you the best...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009):


For your own sake go to therapist, work out your self-esteem issues and also leave that church. It's not a good church if there's a leader like that.

Therapy will help you to have a healthy life and it will help you to work through some of the issues that you face in your life. And before you do anything else,foremost END THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE CHURCH LEADER. Yes, it is very hard to end it, but you need to do it for youself, you need to go through all the feelings of grief and after that you will reach to a much better place and you can have true happiness in your life. It is the hardest thing that you'll have to do in this life, but it's worth it.

As hard as it sounds you will be able to fall in love again and you will have a good husband who can cherish you and treat you with love and respect (if you want to).

Many people who have been abused sexually think they cannot love again etc, but as time heals all wounds it can heal your wounds. You are beautiful, and young and you can do great things in life-only believe and do what you believe in. You'll find the strenght you need to be a successful person.

God loves you and he is there for you, he is ready to give you a future and hope and prosperity. Learn from your past mistakes and never do them again, and you'll rise like an eagle.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009):

Well you have a lot of good insights into yourself, so that is a great first step.

Yes, you obviously have a self esteem issue to think nobody else will want you. With that thinking probably nobody will because you will be projecting a certain vibe that people pick up on. But working on your confidence level you will project a confidence that people will want to be around.

As for the relationship I think the first response is correct. Tell him you have to end this, for him to please leave you alone, move to another church and start building over. I am not sure why you are going to have to come out of this feeling that your life is ruined or fallen apart, you are just going to change churches and other places you go, start making new friends and those steps to a new you.

One thing that this man will probably try to do is convince you that you are wrong and making a mistake, and you will probably believe him. But it is not true. You will be better off without him, you will find that being alone can be very great and that you are great company for yourself. You will also find out that you will make great friends and you will not be alone. But if you continue to take the crumbs as you put it, yes you will be alone and lonely and depressed.

You have done nothing wrong other than get caught up in something that you don't want to be caught up in. This man sounds like scum and you will have a much better life when you move one from him.

Most important stand strong that you cannot do this anymore and for him to please leave you alone. He has more to lose with having a wife and family so hopefully he will respect that, but if he cannot just inform him that this is not healthy for you. If he starts to show more aggressive signs you may want to look into legal restraining orders or other means to keep him away. One thing, do not threaten to tell his wife or family if he does not stop as that make push him to violence. Just cut yourself out of his life, and if you have to move then do it.

Hopefully I am painting a more dramatic picture, but please be careful but strong in your convictions. Talk to the therapist about the best way to go about this as well. As I said, you have not done anything wrong and are not a bad person, just in a bad situation, but happens everyday.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009):

I am very glad to hear you are going to see a therapist right sounds like you need to process a lot of your emotions, learn to love yourself and learn how to set clear boundaries with people.

This man sounds abusive towards you, he may even be a sociopath as you were vulnerable and he recognized that a mile off and zeroed in on you to take advantage.

I know you are afraid, but your clear choices are to tell him to leave you alone, stay away from your church and attend a new on and cut off all contact with him and his family.

You need to protect yourself and give yourself time to heal. It is ridiculous to hang in there because you don't think anyone else will want you. Where does that come from, sexual guilt? Religous guilt?

If you allow these messages to define who you are then you are in big trouble and will only continue to attract losers into your life and trouble follows. Start taking your power back and take the high road out of there.

You know you made a mistake and you need to end it. You have the insight, now you need the motivation. Allow yourself to feel anger over this, he is a jerk, he abused you, get pissed off! Anger is a great motivator and to swallow it and turn it into self pity and complaints will only keep you are angry. Good girls get angry let it out!

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