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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife feels it is better to tell all about our sexual past. to get it out there is to be true to one another. we are in our forties. she has told me that I am her forth partner. this includes a 15 year marraige, a one month bad mistake off of a verbally abusive first marriage in which this person. as she said took advantage of her while she was at her worst point and a on and off three year relationship. she has given me some details about these relationships that have really affected me. I cant get the visions out of my mind of some of the things she has told me. they basically haunt me. she told me her previuos long term relationship partners had no problem hearing these things, infact she told them more intimate details. I have had a long marraige of twenty years and before that had a few girl freinds and one nighters. also been to some strip clubs that interacted with me slightly. She has some problems also steming from my past that seem to be equally as painful. She has told me she has the same kind of visions and feels that she has more to deal with. she hates that I went to strip clubs and because of the amount of expirience she can see I have when we are together. There are no complaints about our sex life as we feel we are with the best of the best with each other. We need to get these feelings under control so they dont destroy a great relationship. My question is do you feel telling all is the healthy and what can we do to help us deal with these visions that in my book shouldnt have been discussed...please help.. We love each other so much.
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female
reader, lost_soul_too  +, writes (28 February 2008):
Heyy,
I knw exactly what you're talking about... i took really long to get over my boyfreind's past and equally traumatized him with mine...
But at the end of t day, those mistakes(or experiences!) were made when she didnt know you existed or what a beautiful bond u two whould share in t future...
Dont dwell on it.. whenever u get images of her past, think of ur equally bothersome past and imagine the two cancelling each other out.. should help..
Leave t past behind and resist urges to dig for more that would only hurt u two further..
allt best!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2006): I agree with your words as it does sound like you have a good relationship, here. It takes an incredible trusting, loving marriage and self-assurance on the part of both people, to openly talk about past experiences and loves. It can be a great way to learn more about each other. It gives you each a sense about what you liked and didn´t like about the partners, what they did and didn´t do that made you happy. It´s a great learning exercise to help understand why you are the way you are now, and what you would like to be happy. That's the upside to talking about past lovers. However, not everyone is that conducive to openess and way too much sexual details or lack thereof, as in your case, can be a bit overwhelming. Keep being open, be straightforward...talking openly about everything in your relationship, can make the bond between you both stronger.
If this continues to bug you just rationalize this out and realize that this issue is the past and if she's been an trusting, honorable, loving, good wife up to this point-is thinking about really worth the pain and sorrow it will cause? I'm sure you want to keep this marriage growing and getting more wonderful. Just both be proud and gracious to be sharing your lives with each other. Only you can choose which way that will be the healthiest way to continue conducting your marriage. Good luck and I wish you both well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2006): Thank you for your reply, it is comforting to get an outside perspective to put my mind at ease. I know we need to get a grip. we have a beautiful story behind thid relationship and shouldnt let these things infect us. I feel these things thoughts will go away with more time under our belts. we are only married since october.
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A
female
reader, Dawnest +, writes (11 January 2006):
C'mon now! You're an adult and so is she and its understandable that she has had a past. It would be extremely worrying if she hadnt.being haunted by past visions is frankly stupidity and very provincial. In the real world, you have to forget the past say to yourself "C'est la vie! Ive got the best of her now" and move on from the past.The good thing about all this is the openness that you both sharewith each other. keeping secrets heralds much deeper problems.Do yourself a favour and love that lady with all your heart because past lovers dont pose a threat except in your head.
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