A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay I need some help for this somewhat complicated issue. The condensed version of this is that I my girlfriend and I got in a fight and I told her I needed to take some time to think about things and clear my head because of something she did (she didn't cheat don't worry its not that kinda thing). Anyway, when I took my time to think about things she was struggling with things of her own and she began to "drown in her emotions" without my support. We had long talks about it and she sort of tried to turn the tables on me and blame me for not being there even though I told her she could call me. Fast forwarding... this all happened very close to valentines day and now it seems like she's trying to make things work. I told her before our fight that she should spend some more time with her friends since she felt like she was disconnecting from them, which I saw as my attempt to help her have more than one support system. I've worked hard to find a way to be able to hang out with her enough and some how balance it with my friends, whereas earlier we didn't hang out all that much maybe after she hung out with her friends etc... I'm worried that A) She might not open up much any more because she's trying to find this new found strength within her after she felt like for a bit her only support source (me) disappeared.and B) that we'll have trouble balancing out our time again. Any thoughts? Problem A is more crucial. Thanks! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses. Its a complicated issue. Yes giving her a little time will help see if she does plan on opening back up again. I think she thought of me wanting my space (which I only wanted for a little bit because I was upset) as me letting her fall. I knew she was going through stuff and let her drown. Thats kind of the process that went through her head. She knows that having me as her only support source obviously isn't healthy, but I guess she thought her friends would be more supportive when instead some were annoyed and didn't seem to care.
She took her time (subconsciously possibly to punish me I don't know because she acted like I did something very wrong) . Anyway on valentines day she acted all happy, and I kept wondering whether she actually had moved or if she was putting this show on as her attempt to have a good experience with me or atleast keep some peace? Anyway later she told me she wanted things to go back to the way they were, but she wanted me to never do that again... I kind of froze, because I wanted to tell her do what again?! but I just kind of tried to bite my lip on that one.
She's trying to become stronger, but for all I know she's just ignoring things instead of dealing with them. She's reaching out to her friends to gain support now, but the idea that she didn't want me to do that again? How was I wrong?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 February 2009):
 A couple of thoughts for you... Problem A will only be a problem if she is punishing you in some way for the separation you asked for. You've mentioned a couple of things about her that are of concern to me. First is that you are her ONLY support system. This is not a healthy person, if you are it. She has laid the burden of being responsible for all her happiness on you--this is a parasite, not a lover; a dependent, not an equal partner.
I don't know what the dynamic of your relationship is, if you prefer being the knight in shining armor while she plays damsel in distress, or if you have been wanting space from a really clingy woman.
What sort of things was she struggling with and what was causing her to drown in her own emotions? If she can't manage without you, she has deeper problems that need dealing with, and my guess is that you don't want to play psychotherapist, nanny and nursemaid to her.
Being strong doesn't mean cutting people out of one's life (well it might, if they were toxic and hurtful); it means learning how to stand on one's own two feet. How to cope with most of what life throws at you and knowing when to ask for help and support.
You sound like a guy who genuinely cares about her and who wants her to be happy and strong, so that you two can be good together. I have to applaud you for that. You also have an idea that balance in your life means having friends outside the relationship and spending time with them. We women sometimes put all our emphasis on the love relationship and not enough on the rest of our other relationships, work, and hobbies. We can get very boyfriend-focused. Most of us grow out of it, and start to find joy and fulfillment in things other than our man. In some cases, this makes the man very nervous. He thinks he's supposed to be the center of her universe, and if she's not demonstrating that by dropping everything for him, then she is somehow neglecting him.
In many cases, I think the man celebrates this independence and supports it, because it means that he has an equal partner who will be able to find a path to fulfillment and happiness that includes him but doesn't need him to drive it. He's along for the ride with her, as she is with him on his ride....
So I've droned on long enough about this, you get the idea.
So if I were you, I'd give her the space she needs to find her own strength. If she's struggling with that, give her support and offer appropriate assistance but don't try to be the fix-it guy. She has to figure out how to do it for herself; this will be the best thing for her in the long run. If it means that she needs some professional help, like a therapist, so be it. Suggest that, support that idea. If it means that she spends less time with you, well, that's what you wanted.
If she's truly deeply hurt by this separation, she may take out her anger on you by avoiding contact, or withdrawing from you for a while. If I were you, I'd give her that breathing room for her to figure it out. I wouldn't demand that she open up as she had in the past right now. She needs to build up the trust that you two had before this, and you are just going to have to give her that time. She may also be going through that really unwanted and uncomfortable realization that you are not her knight in shining armor, that knight from her childhood fairytales. This is not a good moment in women's lives. This is the end of childhood fantasy and girlish longing and adolescent hopes and a young woman's dreams of happily ever after without too much hassle. It's a really sucky moment, to put it in the language of my youth.
If you are really in this with her because you do see a future with her, make sure she knows this. If you wanted this separation because you really don't know that you want to be with her for the long haul, do her the courtesy of being honest about that.
You're not doing her any favors by continuing to feed her neediness, if it is suffocating you and isolating her, so don't beat yourself up for this separation. Be patient with her, don't second-guess yourself, be honest yet gentle, continue being supportive.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, angiecooper  +, writes (17 February 2009):
Okay, so depending on what she did, I thnik the fact that she is trying to make things work is a good thing, But she obviously needs alot of support and she obviously needs to get her feelings out, I think it might be a good idea if she kept a diary or joined a group that helped her. What you need to do is let her know that you are never going to let her down and the only reason that you suggested seeing her friends more is that she has a bigger support network. What I would do personally is, gather a few, but mostly trusted, of her friends and discuss your concerns and then go for a meal go for a drink all of you and let her know that this is her support network and that everything is going to be okay. If you trully love this woman then you gotta try everything, because if she feels bad it is going to rub off on you and then you are going to rub that badness back onto her. So please, think carefully because you are going to need to be strong. Good luck.
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