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I’m worried he’s being strung along but what can I do?

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Question - (8 August 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 9 August 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, *lue10 writes:

I wanted some advice but don't want to come across as an over concerned friend.

Basically my good friend has been dating a girl from a dating site since spring

I haven't seen him for a while but am friends with ne of his male mates who said she's bad news.

When I asked why he said she makes him pay for a lot but never returns the favour. If he buys her stuff it's never right and she has a go at him and apparently she has a suicidal ex boyfriend she has to keep close ???

The whole thing smells bad and am worried he's being string along but what can I do ?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 August 2018):

You shouldn't have to pull a full-grown man aside to tell him anything. He's got ears, eyes, and a brain. If his mates can see she's bad news, and everyone around him is aware of it; he's too busy thinking below the belt.

Everyone has already told him she's bad news, and he's seeing it first-hand. You're a very good friend; but shouldn't feel responsible for a grown-man who lets a romantic-interest walk all over him.

The thing is, he'll listen to her before he'll listen to any of you. She's guiding a fool around by the nose.

I've had well-heeled mature friends who insisted on dating much younger people; and they got played. Everyone tried to talk sense into these guys, but they wouldn't listen. Too stubborn! I guess all that money was burning a hole in their pockets. Shopping sprees, vacations, credit cards, and cars!

Once they got burned, they couldn't face the rest of us.

Like the Bible says: "A fool and his money are soon parted!

Let things run their course. He's being an old-fool; and he has to get stung before he comes to his senses.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntIf he is your age, then he is a GROWN man who "should" be able to make his own choices when it comes to a partner. He isn't your responsibility.

However, I DO get that when we see a friend make dumb choices we kind of want them to know that they can DO better and should WANT better.

If you haven't even met her but just go by the words of another person (hearsay) you don't really have much ground to stand on, tbh.

So if I were you, I'd see if you can meet her. Maybe arrange a BBQ and have some MUTUAL friends come over and invite him and his new GF too. Or arrange a friendly get-together at the pub. Tell him you haven't seen him in a while why don't you all (him and her and you + if you have a partner - meet up for a drink). See what she is about. Talk to her.

YOU are already judging her without having met her. THAT isn't your job as a friend.

And SHE might BE all of the things mentioned above, but a machine in bed? MAYBE he likes entitled women? Maybe she is a great cook? Who knows WHY he is with her. BUT she is HIS choice.

It would be a WHOLE other advice I'd be giving you IF HE had come to you to ask you if you think her behavior is OK.

I can tell you this, there have been times where I WISH I could have picked some of my friend's partner (instead of the,\m because they pick crappy partners) BUT I understand that it's THEIR life, THEIR choice.

But let's say you meet up with him and her and you observe her being a straight up twat to him. Then you have a couple of choices.

1. take him aside (another day just HIM) and ask him what's going on because you felt she was seeming not a great fit for him.

2. ignore it and let him decide things for himself.

3. wait for HIM to bring up any issues he might have with her.

I KNOW I know it sucks to watch someone dating someone you feel is a crappy partner, but.. “You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can always choose how you respond to it.” So YOU can choice to meddle or not.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2018):

I'm going to assume he's in your age group and, if I'm correct, he's old enough to know better. Stay out of it. He'll likely figure it out for himself sooner or later and if you butt in you may lose his friendship.

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