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I'm seeing (and sleeping with) two different guys. Do I need to tell each of them about the other?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 September 2005) 5 Answers - (Newest, 18 September 2005)
A female , anonymous writes:

I am 48 - Divorced twice and 6 months ago ended a 5 year relationship. Started dating again 5 months ago.

He is a great guy, and I really feel for him, but have kept my feelings to myself. We have slept together, and it is wonderful; however, I don't see him more than once a week, sometimes every two weeks. This is OK with me. I also started seeing another man recently. Told him that I am dating other people, and am not interested in committment. I have also slept with him as well.

I've always had 1 date to a committed relationship.

Do I tell the first guy about my new friend? He's never really asked what I do when he's not around.

The second guy is starting to ask questions, which I've avoided. Both men are my age. Is this common to date (and sleep with) more than one man? I don't want to hurt anyone, but perhaps it might someday, but I'm not ready to make a decision yet. What's the appropriate time frame to date one person exclusively?

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A reader, pops +, writes (18 September 2005):

Be honest when asked. YOu are 48 and not looking for a relationship to have children, but just exciting companionship and sex. There is nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with having more than one lover. Take care about STD's these days, but you don't owe either one of them an explanation about the other, or others. What is the first guy doing during the week or two between visits? And, all the second guy needs to know is that you like to spend time with him, and enjoy the sex. If he wants to know about other lovers, tell him honestly, that your love life is your business, and he should not be surprised that you have other men who you see. Does he really think you have been sitting around since your divorce waiting for him? Women are just as entitled to have an active sex life as are men. I am just happy to hear that you have found not one, but two men who make you happy in bed. Most women who write in here would be thankful to find one man who would make them happy.

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A female reader, Delila +, writes (17 September 2005):

Be honest from the very start, remember you cannot go back and do it again.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2005):

If one of your is guys asking you questios like "whether they're the only one" or "if there's others", honesty is so crucial! Tell the truth. This is tough for some women to do, because the truth might hurt one of the guys but at least it gives him the opportunity to decide if he wants to remain in a dating situation, where he is competing for your attentions. When asked whether there is someone else-that's guy speak for "I really like you and hope this turns into something more". If that happens, you can't really expect him to stick around if you insist on continuing both relationships. He wants committment. Once deeper emotions have been declared, some guys don't hang on if you're playing the field. So be honest and yes, it might hurt this one guy, but he'll appreciate the fact you are being honest and upfront.

Of course, the more serious issue. If you are having sex with both men, then full disclosure is the smartest course of action. Condoms isn't always the perfect answer; breakage can occur, and you could end up giving each other an STD. So be careful. The mature approach to sexual relationships is to be honest about the situation-then each of you is free to make an informed decision about whether you are willing to keep going. In the final analysis, you have an obligation to be as honest and careful about someone else’s health- and feelings-as you would want that person to be about yours. Hold yourself accountable. Pick a course of action that is responsible, empathetic and reflects the best in you.

Personally, I opt for all woman to wait until having sex with a special guy until they are absolutely sure that he's the one for them. It always takes a mature wisdom and self-determination to choose a sex partner wisely. You want someone who cares & respects you, and who will be there for you. And if he respects you, he'll not push it. In the future, date men but respect yourself to wait awhile until sleeping with them. Best wishes to you and remember to always choose very wisely & tell the truth. Take care



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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2005):

hey girl why tell him you live once just have fun while you can lifes too short i know im only 19 and you probably think im not taking advice from a child but i think your not doing anyone any harm as long as you use protection then why should either of them ever find out xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2005):

Yes definitely, you need to be straight with both of them. You need to explain to them both that you're not after a committed relationship, and they need to understand this. Every relationship, even the non-committive ones, needs to be built on a base of truth and trust. After all, if you don't tell them they WILL find out eventually. That is a bona fide guarantee. It will be better in the long run if they both know you're being truthful.

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