A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need help ASAP. My husband has been extremely mentally and verbally abusive towards me for the past 3 years. I can probably count on my fingers how many times he has even spoken to me in the past 6 months and it was usually only to say shut the "F" up while I was trying to speak to him. He use to call me during the day at work, if for nothing else to make sure that I made it ok, since I have an hour drive. Right about the same time he stopped talking to me all phone calls to my work stopped too. Whenever I tried to call him 90% of the time he is away from his desk (this was not normal at all, he has a desk job) and when I do get trough he is irritated and rushes me off the phone. I am positive that he is seeing somebody that he met at work. This is how he met me, but I work for a different company now. About three weeks ago he was being very mean to my daughter and when I tried to talk to him about his behavior towards us, he just sat on the couch rolled his eyes and turned the TV all the way up. I turned the TV off stood in front of it and again attempted to talk to him, he just told me to shut the "F" up and get the "F" out of the way then he began to ignore me again. I finally took all the disrespect I was going to take off of him. I told him to get help or get out. He does not feel anything is his fault or that he needs help, so he left insisting that I was kicking him out on the "streets" and blaming me for everything. I have started counceling and educated myself all I can about verbal abuse. I now understand exactly how it works and exactly what he has been doing to me and the reasons why. I basically did everything I could to arm myself against him since seeing him again is unavoidable. I was feeling very good and strong and today we are suppose to go over the bills, this was at my request because he always kept me in the dark. I asked him for his cooperation on this so that I can make my own budget for the rest of the time that I plan on living here. I was sure I could handle him with ease, but when I called him this morning on his cell phone (he should have been on his way into work) he did not answer it, I called a couple of times. I then called him at his desk and he said he just got in. I suddenly envisioned him driving to work with his new girlfriend by his side and figured that was why he could not answer his cell. I have been completely crushed ever since I hung up the phone. I know I am suppose to be strong, but I am not the one void of emotions. I do not intend to speak to him about this, but I am so scared he will pick up on my pain and use it to knock me right back down. Somebody please tell me the best way I should handle this. Thank You.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): Let me first say, no person, woman or man deserves to be treated less than whom they are. A manipulator, who is physically or mentally abusive is an insecure person who builds their own self esteem on the ruins of others. They are good at their 'job.' I can tell you that you were lucky to get out and him away from you before it turned physical. And yes, it was heading that way. He was just waiting for that nerve to do it the 'one' time and each time after that it gets easier for them BUT harder for you to get out. I can tell you that you can survive. I can say this because I too was in a similiar situation which could have led to death or a complete loss of oneself to one so undeserving. You have to be focused on what you want and stand your ground. You must take your power back that you gave him. It does not have to be argumentative or nasty when in his presence. Let him know that you will no longer empower him with control over you and that your daughter has watched this all play out... Ask him to think not answer this question, "How would you react to a male acting in the same mannerism to his daughter." We need to realize that we are the blueprints of whom our children will build upon. What type of foundation has been layed? What is holding this house together? Fear? It is love that makes the difference between a home and a house. You get yourself a prayer life and ask God to make changes in you and watch him work the entire situation out! Watch how the power your husband thought he had will dwindle to nothing. Keep your head up and remember it will get better, one day at a time. Also, there are groups that you can go and have a support unit of others who have also walked this walk and are at different stages and you will be able to relate to. May God cover you with grace and mercy while you are in the storm right and know the storm will not last always.
A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (21 February 2009):
Let me echo that if your husband were to improve 100 fold, which I in no way expect, he still would fall far short of anyone I would ever let me daughter date.
How would you feel if your daughter got into a relationship like this, with a guy like this? She is looking to you for a model of what is acceptable, what she can expect from love.
Please recognize the difference between emotional connection and dependency formed over time, and love which is a mutual willingness to put someone else's interests and well-being on par with your own.
I don't think I've ever given this advice to anyone on these boards, but I think you should get far away from this guy and have nothing more to do with him. Ever.
You deserve much, much better than this, and if that is not obvious to you, that is all the more another reason to get mental distance.
Don't let him play mind and heart-games with you. Please take care of yourself.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you,
maggot ridden piece of feces certainly helped me to put things into prespective. He apparently is not showing, so I am sitting here figuring the bills out, without his help. I do not intend to call him for help any more, I know I can do this on my own. Thanks again for all of the input and support. I am alone here so sometimes I need it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): Look, you know this is all unhealthy, yet you're still with him regardless of the education you have received. You KNOW exactly what the best way of handling this is.
I mean come on, this is a man who's treating you like crap, have treated you like crap and continues to make you feel like crap, yet you want to understand this and try to handle it?
[sigh]
Please tell me that this is NOT religiously influenced. If it isn't, excellent, at least you're not chained to idiocy. Other than that, you have to get rid of him. My aunt is in the EXACT same position, except that she's completely and utterly useless - never worked in her life, is a new Christian (gross), rants and vents and cries on the phone so often my mom is getting sick, no correction, my mom is sick and tired, but they're sisters and so she has to be there for her.
I knew someone else in your position. She died two years ago from cancer.
Think: why would you be crushed over such a plainly obvious bastard? Are you really that low on esteem you seek love from such a maggot ridden piece of feces? I can NOT for the life of me imagine myself treating my love like that. If I do, my gosh, please, someone shoot me generously.
If you feel my words to be harsh, I'll tell you that it's not nearly as harsh as I feel you need it to be. Come on babe, you don't need this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 February 2009):
 Ok, first off good that you are educating yourself about abuse. Maybe it is time for you to let him go. You can not cure him with love. He's going to be a verbally abusive cruel guy no matter what. NOT your fault.
Secondly STOP playing his games. Right now that is how he is trying to control you. With all the phone foolishness. Stop trying to call him. Let him simmer. If you need to tell him something and it can not wait til you get home call him, if he does not answer leave a message. DO not call back.
Find old bill, such and phone, utilities, cable, mortgage/rent, credit cards, car notes, insurance and make your OWN budget, you really don't need to have him hold your hand for that:)
My guess is that he is not liking that you are regaining confidence and wanting independence, other then being verbally abusive he is manipulative and controlling, you need to watch out.
Be confident and stay strong. Not just for you but for you daughter!
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