A
male
age
41-50,
*ohn Caveman
writes:My marriage is in serious trouble after 15 years. We have 2.5 years old lovely daughter, which naturally makes things more complex.I am considering proposing that we would "float" our relationship. Here's how I think it could work: We continue following some agreed upon rules (like being faithful, making sure our daughter gets all the attention she needs, homework sharing, ...), but otherwise we would be free to spend our time with other people pretty much freely.This is a little bit same thing as with currencies. Relative values of most currencies are floating, that is "real" strengths and weaknesses define the value day by day.For relationships it would mean that every person we meet that we don't sync with too well strengthens our sense of being with the right person. Then again, we might also meet people who are our soul mates. Anyway, the end result would be more realistic view about how well we are matching.Why? Because we were not that experienced in love life when we met. We started relationship immediately when we met. We are easy going, so we can make things work quite well with most people. Unfortunately we are now past that point. Meeting new people could help in defining what we truly value in each other. With that understanding we could then more realistically decide whether to split or to keep trying to fix things.What do you think? Does this make any sense to you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): well done John. prooves that love and communication does go a long way. what is vital here is that both you and your wife loved each other enough to tackle the issues headon. sometimes it is the only way. glad to note that at least one marriage has been saved. it is hard work, but worth it in the end. good luck
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (4 December 2009):
 Yippie... communication and getting closer, working on solutions together.. thank you, thank you john, we are all wishing you and your wife all the best in your years together.
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A
male
reader, John Caveman +, writes (3 December 2009):
John Caveman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYesterday we dragged to the surface everything. Even the things we thought (in our heads) to be too big issues to be fixed.
Then we connected. I think it was the honesty: we had everything on the table and only direction was up. I think she broke the ice by telling something which she had hidden inside for a long time. Soon we were both taking the risk and revealing more about our thoughts than maybe ever before. Then we started to see compromises and ways around difficult issues. We were back in business...
The issues we have are still there, but now we are both (REALLY) focused in making this work. We are both introverts, so we think more than we speak. I believe many issues will be easier to handle than we imagine in our heads. We just need to learn to lower the threshold for talking through things. (#%!$#£!! introverts... ;-) )
Almost magically I started to remember all the good things about her. I think it was because I felt there was a way to fix the big issues, so I could allow myself to like her (otherwise it would be unbearable to like her because of many small things and at the same feel bad about the really big issues if there was no hope to fix things).
Final time: a BIG thank you for all of you! I hope that I never have to come back here, but if I have to I'll be listening carefully what you want to say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): Sigh... can't take his wife out on a date.. they married because it was convient... I sure hope you can dig up some real positive stuff about her, yourself and this marriage, cause life is too short to be bored.
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A
male
reader, John Caveman +, writes (1 December 2009):
John Caveman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe next thing I am going to do is list every positive thing about my wife I can find. She has unique features that make her special even if I have forgotten what they are.
I truly hope this list will give me something positive to focus on. If it doesn't we are probably done :-(
Many of you have suggested various ways to connect and better know each other. We are both introverts and that's part of the problem. We probably don't talk nearly as much as we should.
If I can still find enough positive things or negative things that can either be ignored or possibly changed we can start building on that.
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A
male
reader, John Caveman +, writes (1 December 2009):
John Caveman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009):
Remember why you fell in love and work to get the feeling
back...........not to see if you can find it (or not)
elsewhere.
I didn't fell in love. That's the problem. We started being together because it was convenient. It has lasted this long because we are easy going people and can be friends with most people.
A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009):
Spending time with other people won't fix your marriage.
How would you feel if your wife went on a date with
someone else?? Maybe she might meet someone more exciting?
Roughly 6 years ago I noticed that I couldn't feel jealousy (she was studying and meeting classmates at that time). We still had the friendship, but over the years more and more negative things have appeared.
Ok, this probably looks like I am making her look bad, but here goes an example about what's wrong: I have completed a marathon and triathlon. When I did the marathon she wasn't interested to see me run, but decided in the last minute that she might show up (which she did, but was kind of "can we go home now"). Triathlon she didn't want to see. For me those were very important events.
She is practical person who thinks that it would be anyway just couple of seconds she could see me on route. It's not her fault to think like that. It's also not my fault to hope for some encouragement.
I could continue with examples like this: There is nothing wrong in many cases in either of us, it's just the way we are.
My big crush (see the other Q linked by q1605 below) was an eye opener: there are people who always seem to find the positive side in everything and who always seem to be giving positive feedback and encouragement. My wife can't be like that, but I either don't know if I absolutely need to be with person like that (I am sure there is downside to everything).
I am so close to giving up.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (1 December 2009):
 You may find dating your wife odd. I find it saves marriages. Your wife was a girl a long time before becoming an engineer. Oh wait, you do want to date, just other people.
What happens often in marriage is getting into a rut or routine of just being and seeing that as sufficient. The way you got her in the first place disappears, almost like saying "I got her, now I no longer need to try." Your statement of being authentic by "Being polite, caring, listening and sharing in everyday lives" That could be broken down into "good morning" "pass the salt" "how was your day? Fine." and "please and thank you"
Where is the romance. Where is, what you two do for each other that causes you to want her and desire being with her after this lengthy time. Marriage is not about saying "I do" then letting life control the marriage. It's about building a life and growing together, learning about one another constantly, and scheduling time just to be with each other and enjoy being together.
Just as in engineering, you two design your marriage. It's by what you do or don't do that determines how strong or weak your marriage will be. Together you determine its success or failure. Quite often I talk to people, recently divorced, and we'll discuss why. I hear, "just didn't work out", "they were the wrong one" or "we aren't compatible." When I probe for further explanation, a majority of the time I find, they're divorced because of what they did do (which caused a negative result) or neglected to do (causing a negative result.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): Spending time with other people won't fix your marriage. How would you feel if your wife went on a date with someone else?? Maybe she might meet someone more exciting?
Or why not put the time and effort into saving your relationship. Things change after children...........but you could discuss what you both want and make some effort. perhaps get a babysitter and go out? Or if possible get grandparents to babysit for a weekend and take your wife for a romantic break.
Remember why you fell in love and work to get the feeling back...........not to see if you can find it (or not) elsewhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): you know the reality is that only you and your wife will know whether this marriage is ultimately something that can be saved. It sounds like you are communicating about the need and that is a big step. Relationships are hard work at best. Some times people just do not have anything left to give. i wish i had some really great advice to give but really i can only say that i wish you and your wife happiness. I would try every avenue to make this work. If at the end of the day it doesnt then you will have fewer regrets. I believe most can be salvaged especially when both parties are working on it. And do not start any other relationships unless this one is completely over. By that i mean the divorce is final. Best of luck, mal
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A
male
reader, John Caveman +, writes (28 November 2009):
John Caveman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy wife is an engineer who fixes her own bike etc. That should give you a little idea about her mindset. We have talked about dating and we both find the idea odd. We feel that dating isn't authentic.Being polite, caring, listening and sharing in everyday lives, that's authentic.Three possibilities: 1. We have the connection between us broken. 2. We are not fully compatible, no matter how good the connection. 3. Both, so fixing the connection will just reveal the incompatibilities.I am afraid it's the number 3 and our connection got broken because that way the incompatibility problem got masked for quite some time.There is no need to be 100% compatible, but you can't match any two people either. Where is the line? Are people allowed to admit they made a mistake because they were young and stupid? (or should they be unhappy together forever?). Seems like I am quitting, huh? No, I need to get to the bottom of all this and I need to answer the difficult questions also. But you are right: We need to do SOMETHING together. We have a shared hobby and we are now considering spending more time just being together. q1605: I appreciate your answer, but there is something I want to point out: My crush was difficult for me because it wasn't sexual. It was her positive attitude, sense of humor, her values and "something" about her smile (you know, the feeling that makes you think you can see in someone's soul). Sure, she is beautiful and sexy, but so is my wife. I've had my share of sexual feelings towards other women in my life (like we all). Cheating has never been an option and ignoring those feelings is for me part of being human. Anyway, her relationship wasn't damaged and I can now more easily move on, so where was my mistake?For others shooting down my stupid idea: You are absolutely right. My problem is that I was born with good logic/math skills, but with zero understanding of human behavior and emotions. That's why I need to reality check my (sometimes stupid) ideas. So far dearcupid has been by far the best place to ask, so once again, a big thank you!
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2009):
I agree RCN.. this guy needs to realise, that marriage can be as exciting as any date with a stranger who dosen't know you... John, get out your aftershave, looks like your going on a date.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 November 2009):
These types of arrangements generally end up in disaster. Either by not learning what you wish to learn, or by one person finding someone they like better and staying with them. You know those who say, "I didn't want to fall for them, it just happened."
Sounds like you two are in a rut. What happens is in the beginning we tend to show our partner all different forms of love or being loved, so it's simple to fall for one another, as time goes on, that dwindles, but instead of hitting what makes them feel that way, we try showing how we feel loved, which is often not the same for them. So the key is to find what it is that pushed them over the top, then repeat. It may be buying something, like surprising them with flowers other than when they're mad. Taking them out somewhere, a way you touch or a way you say something.
Your answer isn't in other people. It's relearning each other while together. And it isn't just you two who deserve this, your daughter does as well. So, to relearn, it's time to go back to basics. Instead of dating other people. I want you to date your wife plus one day a week with all three of you, doing something (like the park) for a couple of hours on the weekend. Something she'd enjoy. For her learning view, she needs to see you two getting along. You don't have to tell her your not, but at her age she can sense emotions greater than she ever will be able to.
Since you want to get out of a routine of negative relationship habits, the dating can't be routine either, aside from maybe the date and time. One week, you plan what you're doing, don't tell her, she just has to show up and do what you've planned. The next week it's her turn. This is a good way to get you two to reconnect, and start re-building romance in your marriage.
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A
male
reader, mr motivator +, writes (28 November 2009):
All i will say is what a stupid idea!!!!!!!!
Is it just me
I tthink you just want her to be faithful to you without you having to worry about it in the other direction
If you dont want to be with her
divorce her and get custody for the kid
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2009):
If you don't both fall in love after a year and get married again.. then it's counselling to find out what the hell is wrong in your marriage, apart from boredom.. It seems to me, your well matched, and you picked the best woman for you. Don't give that up, it's a very special thing, and you'll regret loosing her.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2009):
Dear John, Let me first say sorry, I know it's not easy for you to be in this situation and come here to ask for help. Please know that your story is important, and we will try to help you as much as we can.John, John, John.. your thinking like a man.. she's not a currency, you can't work this thing out with logical arrgument.. it has to go deeper than that. If you love her, if she loves you, then yes, things will work out, if you both try hard. But no woman wants to be thought about in mathematical terms, it dosen't work, we like talking and talking and crying and cuddles."Why? Because we were not that experienced in love life when we met. We started relationship immediately when we met. We are easy going, so we can make things work quite well with most people." Quote from JohnEver hear of the seven year itch, when marriage gets borring.. the worse thing is to introduce new people, this makes things worse, and one of you will be unfaithfull and then it will destroy you both.An alternative John.... I'm proposing a second honeymoon, a new romance between you too. From what you say, I think it will work. Treat her like a date, pretend you don't know her.. throw out everything you know about her and yourself, and start again... Seperate bedrooms, you do your own washing, she looks after the baby and no kissing and hugging.. you start again afresh.. give it 6months to one year.. This is not your wife, it's a woman you want to impress. Take her on dates, buy flower and presents. Stop sex, make her want you, try to impress her, ask her to want to marry you again.. After a year.. well, how about getting married again to this new woman that you met. Get to know her, let her get to know you, start your marriage afresh.. That will give you all the fun you need, no new people needed.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (28 November 2009):
So basically, you are saying you want to date to remind yourself that you could have it worse?
That is really really stupid.
Because after 15 years you are not going to be able to match that "new exciting" feeling you get from meeting someone new. All you will do is think you are in love with the new person and split up.
If you want to make your marriage work then figure out what is wrong in your marriage and fix it with hard work and effort. Don't come up with crazy schemes and expect it to work.
Good Luck!! xx
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