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female
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anonymous
writes: Okay, I am hoping someone out there can give me some advice... cause I am a bit confused. I am 25 years old and became engaged after 5 years to my boyfriend recently. Since I became engaged, I am feeling more and more clostraphobic- and am avoiding making plans or wearing my engagement ring. I love my fiance, but am so scared of marrying him, cause I suspect he might not be the one. I feel really cornered, however our relationship on most accounts is really good - we have great times together. There does seam to be a lack of spark though, as we can go through nights on end without a even a kiss.Out of the blue, someone whome I have knonwn and fancied for many years made a move on me recently and now I am thinking that I should not be engaged, instead I should go and discover what the world has for me. I dont want to hurt anyone, I am just not sure if this is all phase, or if I should muster the courage to move on. Help anyone?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Listening to your response of your concerns, it seems to me that maybe you've already made the decision in your heart. If you have any doubts of not getting married. It would be wise to not wait until the last minute to tell your finance. It would be better to call of the engagement for a while then see where things go. You wouldn't be doing yourself or your finance any justice by keeping the emotions your feeling "in". It's a tough choice to make, but that's exactly what it is, a "choice" if you're not quite ready, call it off. Love is a "choice" it's a daily choice at that. Best luck to you and your finance.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): I hope you will all remember this: lust is a glorious thrill, passion is a burning excitement, but at the end of the day, friendship, understanding, and love are what make a successful marriage. If you haven't ever experienced passionate lust in your life, maybe you're not ready to get married. But just because you don't always feel passionate lust for your partner doesn't mean you won't have a great marriage.
Cold feet and doubts are not unusual. Deep down, you know if you truly love the person you are with enough to want to see them eating cereal across the table when you are both old and gray, so do some serious soul-searching.
But don't marry someone out of a feeling of obligation for years spent together or out of fear of being alone. That is not fair to anyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): I can only write from my own experience, so that is what I will tell you. I had serious doubts before getting married, got married anyway and am now going through a divorce 7 months later. What I learned are the following things:
-Be true to yourself. Trust yourself. The one person you will have to answer to for the rest of your life is yourself (and God if you are religious). Don't sell yourself out to please someone else. Don't do what others think is right if it is not right for you.
-Just because a man is a great man, does not mean he is the one great man FOR YOU.
-Don't force yourself to get married if you know deep down in your heart it's not what you want. I believe you can love someone, but it not be the right time in your life. If you are not ready, you can't "MAKE" yourself get ready. (my situation)
- Holding on to a man or marrying a man knowing you are not ready to get married because you are afraid to let him go or are afraid of hurting him is wrong. This will rob both of you of a truly happy marriage. You deserve a man who is sure of his love for you...and he deserves a woman who is sure of his love for him.
-If you feel you aren't ready but don't want to give up on the relationship, you can try counseling, talking to your fiance, to a trusted friend and family member...talk it out. Try and work out your feelings. Don't make a decision just because you are frustrated and don't know what to do. Likewise, don't NOT follow through with a decision just because you are afraid.
-The RIGHT thing to do is not always, and rarely is, the EASY thing to do.
-Good luck to you!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): I know exactly what your going through! I love the guy I'm with we have been together for almost 9 years - a year when I broke up with him. But were great together. We have been engaged seince Nov.of 2006. I was fine and excited about the wedding untill he left away for work for a week. I thought I was going to be so lonely, but it was actualy cool. I got to do everything when I wanted to do it. I didn't have to wait around for him to get ready, and the house stayed clean. Also I ran into this guy I had strong feelings for when were broken up for that year, and thats when I started getting all these old feeling back. I don't think if I'm suppose to be getting married in Jan. of 2008, if I should have such strong feeling for this guy.
I'm very confussed, I don't want to leave my man again, it would break his heart.( I love him so much, but sometimes I feel like it's more just like best friends) But why do I have these other feelings. We also Just purchased a home in Sept of 2006. And this is like the worst time for me to be thinking all these cray things. But I also don't want to get married and then end up getting a devorce later on.
If anyone has any comments for me that would be great. I have alot to think about.
Confused in Miami
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): I too am in the same situation, and have no idea what to do. It's so scary..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): I'm in a similar situation. what did you end up doing
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A
female
reader, happytochat  + ♥, writes (12 January 2006):
Hi there,
First off, I need to tell you that you can't fear hurting anyone. Althoug your intention to not hurt anyone, is good, it shows that you have feelings, but if let that control you then you will just end up hurting people because you will be to afraid to do anything. In relation to your situation, if you stick with your fiance purely on the basis as you don't want to break the badn ews to him that he may not be 'the one' then thats not right. Because if you stick with someone who you don't love, you will be hurting them, depriving them of someone who will truly love them.
I understand your very confused! So take your time and don't rush into any big decisions. First off I really woud like to suggst you talk to aclose friend or family memeber of yours, and see what they say.
It seems to me your gut is telling you that something is right- as you are feeling clostrapphobic and are trying to dodge the whole wedding situation.
Just one point, you won't always have that 'spark' no 1 does. Its because you just become so comofrtable. Yet you did say there are some nights where you dont even kiss each other, since that bothers you, you should alk to your fiance about it. Tell him that you would like to be more intimate with him.
You said you have fancied this other man for many years, so whats made it the big deal now? Is it because you are about to be 'offically taken off the market'- you will loose all chance of being wiht him?
Its a comon feeling of people who are engaged, that suddenly they have thesefeelings for other people and think perhaps they need to stop it and go otu and see what else is out there for him. In general, this is a fear, one that one married is overcome. Ask your fiance, if he ever gets a bit nervous that you are the only person he will be with for the rest of his life, dont be afraid! Its good to oepn up.
Im sorry if I couldnt help :( I really am, but the best thing I can say to you is talk to a friend or family member, someone who knows you well
good luck :) I hope you work this all out
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