A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure I will ever fit into my BF's life. We have been together for 7 months now, he is recently divorced and his family and friends invite his ex-wife to everything. He has never brought me and I know its because he knows I'll be uncomfortable, so we just don't go. He has spoken to his parents and some others about this but it goes on, they call her, they invite her and she goes. He told her to back off once, and she said it's his problem, not hers so why should she have to give them up becuas and he told her because its HIS famiy and HIS friends and he doesn's show up at her family functions but no one sees the problem in his circle? She calls his parents mom and dad. I have met a small number of his friends, no one from his family and he hasn't even mentioned to them that he has someone in his life or refers to me as a friend from work - even though he lives with me, they dont' know. I'm worried its because he thinks she'll find out about it but I don't understand why he cares if she finds out, they are divorced? He says its because he is afraid they'll think I had something to do with his divorce so he wants to wait a few more months. I don't think he's being fair to me and I look at it as he's worried more about her feelings than mine. Will I ever fit into this picture or should I wait a few months?
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female
reader, RunsWithScissors +, writes (23 January 2009):
It sounds like it is just too soon after the divorce, 7 months isn't that long. Things are very unsettled and weird after a divorce, everyone is still trying to adjust and figuring out just where they fit in. It also sounds like some people (including his ex) have not accepted it yet.
At some point it's going to be sink or swim. I'd say if he still does not introduce you as his gf by the one year anniversary of his divorce, he has not accepted it either. (From what you say, that should be by the summer.) At that point he needs to tell his family he's dating and that he intends to bring you to these functions. Be prepared that they may still invite the ex and she may be there, but you and your BF have to be united in this, be polite and cordial to her and if any questions ever come up asking if you had anything to do with the divorce, simply answer, "absolutely not". And your BF should be ready to confront that privately with anyone should it come up. If you both are united and do these things, then eventually the ex will become uncomfortable and will stop showing up. If you are not united in this then he may be with you but still hasn't completely moved on.
A
female
reader, MartiniBaby +, writes (23 January 2009):
Wow that's a situation, well I think that you should wait awhile because these kinds of things take time. You did say he recently just got out of a marriage so his family might not be ready for a new face yet, it would seem like he rushed to find someone new to replace the one he lost. And you don't want them to look at you in that way. I don't think that it's the fact that he cares more about her feelings than yours, he might not want to get into any altercation with her or anything that might draw attention to them from his family. I'm not saying to suspect him of doing anything wrong, just be cautious it is a little weird that she still is coming around for his family. Be patient and give him time to handle the situation and you'll have your time to shine with him and his family. =]
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A
female
reader, Amethyst_Tears  +, writes (23 January 2009):
This man should be PROUD to have you as a GF. He should show you to everyone. If a man can't do that, then that means he has something to hide from you or he's ashamed. Does he have any children with the ex-wife, and has he been married long to her? Since when is he divorced and you two have coupled up?
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