A
male
age
30-35,
*rowingWings
writes:Hi to everyone :)First off, let me clear up on that title.She's my first girlfriend, and we have been going steady for 3 years now. I really really do love her, and I care hence i'm asking here.This is our story (I'll make it as short as I can, please bear with me, I don't want only my side in this):I met her in college, and her friends introduced her to me. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but I decided to give this one a go. As she's my first girlfriend, I didn't have any idea on how to act accordingly with her feelings. I tried my best to treat her as good as I can, but I was immature, so we had lots of fights. Now, when my problems get to me, I end up releasing everything at once. Since she's the one that's always by me, she gets the brunt of my emotions. In short; I really was a big asswipe during our first year together.The next year went a bit easier, she was molding me to become a mature man. I was letting her, though I can't help but think of the ways she achieved this. She changed me in good ways such as encouraging, and generally building up my confidence. She also did so in less-than-good ways such as; guilt-tripping, blackmail and threats to me (breaking up/more serious stuff)It's now our 3rd year together, and things are going smooth. But as in all, there are those times that we feel tense. Whenever she has a big responsibility on her shoulders, or something important is coming up, she gets very, very anxious. While it is her that feels the anxiousness, it is me who is stressed out by it. No one else supports her during said times, even her family. Throughout the years we've been together, i've always been her go-to-guy. I'd support her through the thickest. Even when i had my own problems, i'd be there for her. She basically sees me as a father/brother/friend/significant other. A whole package.My problems are:Nowadays, she's expecting too much from me, especially when something big is coming up (her birthday, or something as important to her). She gets all anxious, and she usually bombards me with questions that generally get me down/unhappy. She also tends to bring things from the past back when these times come. Knowing i was a douche, i can't help but feel bad about myself.She also guilt-trips me a lot when i let her down.She also releases all of her problems on me when she can't handle it anymore.All of these things, i did to her during our first year (i treat her like a princess now). I admit. Though i can't help but think, isn't this a bit too much for me? I basically act as a whole family to her, from father to brother and far more. I act as her stress ball when things get too much for her to handle. I take care of her much more than a father+significant other combined. And yet when we do fight, she makes it out that i'm nothing more than a villain. Her friends know her side only. Worse for me, she points out all my mistakes to my face. She makes me feel like i've done nothing but bad things in all our years together. Sorry if i'm making this too long, but this is the only time i've ever told anyone else our whole story. I can't rely on my friends because they saw us from our first year together. So they think i'm the only one with a bad side. She shows herself as an angel to them.--I can support. But if the one i'm supporting makes me feel bad about myself, how can i go on? She's constantly pushing me harder. Sometimes, when i have problems, she tells me off, as if my problems are only minor in comparison to hers.So i have to ask;How do i ease up? Or in the worst case; how do i break it off? I'm a soft guy. I don't have the willpower to break it off the moment i see her cry. I can't find the resolve to do what i say when it makes her very sad. I love her genuinely, but i can't say she's growing as a person with me. She's just constantly getting more spoiled. I want her to be able to stand on her own. To stop using me as her crutch. But, how?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): You are right that you need to break up. People like her who are sppilt and manipulative will not change just because you call them out on what they're doing. As long as you continue to let them do this to you they will. But you're also right that you're too soft. From the beginning. You said it yourself. She MOLDED you into the person she wanted you to be. Yikes. Normally I would advise that you just put up firm boundaries from now on and enforce them. Such as not tolerating her blaming and accusations anymore (leave the room, do not apologize anymore for the part Etc) . And that if she comes to you with all her problems just shrug it off and say sorry you're just going to have to figure it out because I have to get going now. And then endure the temper tantrum. So that's what I would normally advise. But for you I don't think it will work because you have to be strong to do this and you're just not strong. You are too soft and easily brainwashed.Therefore I advise you to break up with her. I don't think you are emotionally strong enough to stay in a relationship with her and put up healthy boundaries so therefore you need to just cut her loose and run far far away from her. How do you break up? If you are not strong enough to do it in person then write her a letter. Then block her phone number and email and unfriend her on facebook and other social media so she cannnot contact you. Then think very carefully about what all just happened and what you need to change about yourself so you don't repeat this type of relationship in the future.
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