A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now - I am 34, my boyfriend is 39 - we are in love and happy. However I would love to get married and have a family but, although he is very loving towards me, he doesn't talk about the future. He says he would like to have children one day but has never said 'with me'. Also, we only see each other every weekend because he has a very busy job and works quite late during the week. I have tried to get him to talk about where he sees us going in the future but he is vague and says he needs more time to be sure in any relationship. He mentions being with his ex for 5 years but they never moved in together or anything so he is a slow burner. My problem is this: He hates using contraception, and I can't take the pill for various reasons (although we did for the first 6 months of relationship). There is part of me that doesn't make this a huge issue and I think it's because I want to fall pregnant. I am very broody and worry that if I don’t have a child soon, it might be too late for me. But surely he doesn’t mind because I have told him this and he still doesn't want to use anything. But I am fully aware that if I do get pregnant, it will be with someone who just doesn't seem to mind, rather than someone who wants to marry me and have a family with me. I don't know whether I should leave him and find someone who is just as keen on these things as me, or whether I should get pregnant because at least that way I will have a child even if it is with someone who can't tell me if he wants to marry me or not. I know this sounds rambling - but please help - I'm worried that my desperation for a child is overshadowing the fact that I may be with someone who doesn't love me enough and will just 'go with the flow'. xx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Only going to answer one part of your post.
There is NO correlation between a man not wanting to use birth control and him not minding a baby.
Guys will insist on no-condome with a girl they know is fertile and then blame her for the results.
Do whatever you want, just don't think that a guy without a condom wants to be a daddy.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 I think at this point, you can tell him what YOU expect in a relationship, i.e. Marriage and children. While you may love him, if he's not aiming at the same thngs, you're fundamentally incompatible. He's a 40 (nearly) bachelor? He doesn't sound like the marrying kind to me.
I liked this book for myself, it may apply to your situation: "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills, PhD. It should be fairly easy to find used and inexpensive. It will help you decide your priorities and handle the decisions you're facing.
Personally, I'd let him know my expectations, lovingly of course, and then if he cannot commit, I'd put myself back on the dating market to find the guy who IS willing to commit. I wouldn't be tryng to be mean here, just honest with myself and him about the future. I'd resent the hell out of him later if I missed the chance to have children.
Oh, and his refusal to wear a condom? Selfish. Have you ever pushed this conversation about what happens if you do get pregnant? Because you are likely to--does he think you'd get an abortion? Would he suggest you commit then?
Get the book. It's too long to tell you all the details and strategies.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (7 October 2009):
 I understand your needs for a child however, your partner by the sounds of things is laid back and doesnt see a family as important as you do at this moment in time. He doesn't really seem commited as you say he was with an ex for 5 years and never moved in with her so what makes you think he'd want to have a child with someone his been with for just over a year when he couldnt take that step to move in with his ex?It's your decision on whether you make the relationship work or not but how do you know if you ended the relationship and moved on you'd find someone else soon enough who would want a family with you?maybe you should take some time to think about whether you can see yourself with this man for the rest of your life, if the answer is yes then instead of trying to figure out what he wants in the future maybe you should come out and tell him what you want if he doesnt feel the same then again you would have to think about the relationship turnout
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A
female
reader, Sammycake +, writes (7 October 2009):
 I doubt just 'getting pregnant' is the answer. Would you rather wait a while to confirm that he really is the man you'd like to father your child, or just do it and hope for the best?
There's only one thing you can do. It's a conversation in which you'll need to tread on eggshells, but I think you need to tell him that you'd like to have a child soon because you think time is running out, but he's under no pressure/obligation to actually father the child. The thing that clangs with me is that you haven't been together very long and a child needs a stable environment to grow up in. Please take everything into consideration before you act upon it.
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