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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm in love deeply with a woman who lives 60 miles away with 2 kids by 2 different dads. The distance isn't a problem in normal circumstances, but I have a big debt of around 70k that I need to pay off £150 per week bare minimum and that's not including other day to day costs which total around £260 per week.During our time together it's been amazing and I fell in love with her early on. That's not normal for me as I've been with plenty of women and never felt a thing, just close friendship. With her it's different and makes me cry which also isn't me at all, to give u a good desription of feelings etc. I also cry b4 bed at night longing to touch and feel her.During our time I've tried to balance everything to see her as often as I could and to earn enough money to live and pay things off. Up until now ( 2 yrs 4 months ) it was going sort of ok but we had our off patches which all relatuionships do. Unfortunately she's agoraphobic and suffers from depressions, which mean she needs people around her at most times of the day. Snce we've been toghether she has come on so much it's incredable. She now can go out alone most times and isn't half as bad and she says it's due to me and loving me, and that makes me feel very good inside.However. Now she's got to the stage where she can do most things that she couldnt used to, she now wants more from me and wants me to move in. It's what I want too, but at this moment in time it's so hard to make the move with my debt and needing every penny to get by. I can't take any real time off as I'd get further behind on payments and if I left my job I'd have to get a job quick and if it didn' work out i'd be in a very difficult position to pay it back.I wantt o move in with her but the problem around it all make it so hard. I get on with her little girls dad, as he's quite normal, but the little boys dad is a complete idiot and i hate him so much he makes my blood boil. He attacked me wen me and my partner were together and still after this time he still talks to her like rubbish and it infuriates me. I'm big enough and have been around long enough to sort the problem my way, as he cant be spoken to, but she refuses to let me as of her little boy and him then knowing i sorted it and not liking me, plus his dad is of the immaturity to run away and leave him without a dad. so living there with that can only end in tears with the pressures ive got already.Also my partner is unemplayed and so relies on benefits that she cnt really cope with as it is, so with me having this big debt and all my money having to go mainly on that, I wouldn't be able to be a father to her kids and remain happy and pleasent at all times. With my partners agoraphobia and depressive nature too it seems all too daunting and far too much of a risk with my personal pressures.She says if i loved her I'd move in without a doubt, and maybe she's right, but how can i do it with all this around me. The guys i work for i owe the money too also and they do their business in my area, deby collecting ironically enough.The time has comenow that she says i move in or its over! Ive actually walked away several times telling her im not what she wants and she should find somebody else. It hurt so bad but out of love i did it as i knew what she needed and had to have.The kids have never had much stability in their lives and with me and my personal problems they aint going to get much love and care from me in the way they need and deserve. The little boy can also be a right pain in the arse too. a great kid, but can be a spoilt little brat and it infuriates me. it wouldnt do if i didnt have pressures but with them it makes things treble and i dont want him to dislike me as of my mood swings as of my pressures.During my time with her I actually spent all my savings which were a bit of back up and now I have little in the bank and all my money goes on paying the debt and i try to live s normal as i can.I understand fully why she cant wait any longer but im so unhappy knowing it. I cant move in just yet and have lost her.I sometimes feel she shoudl wait if she loves me as she say she does, but she wishes that too but her mindset wont allow her too as she needs a person in her life much more often than i can be. Weve talked about commuting but that will mean around 16 hr days and that just cant work can it and taking a chance of being happy and getting a nice job near her seems far too much of a risk as i wudn be able to come back to my job.Her friend, best friend committed suicide a coup,e of years back just after i came on the scene and if she were alive today she probably would wait a bit longer, and her step daughter also has left home as she has a child and so shes on her own now and needing a person more than ever. I feel so sorry for her but i cant do anymore than i am. I did actually psuh it to extreme measures and stay their for a couple of days during the week but it got too nice and she wanted more and more and i coudlnt give more as all more earnings after paying the debt went on seeing her.Ive also never had experience of children and ive only lived with one other girl permanantly, but just as friends. Ive had numerous girlfriends but never lived with tem and only stayed now and again. Now ive fell in love i cant bloody do it as of my debt and my time's ran out!!!Anyhow its a big problem and any help would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question'Angle' meant to be Angel by the way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your advice.
As much as it hurts me that I can't bethe bread winner and live and love her totally, I have to agree with you and that's what I keep telling her.
Her kids need stability and love and if I can't give that total commitment then I can't see how it can work. I could chance it but when I know it can't work in the current situation and the fact I could lose my means of income AND my angle, it's just all so horrible.
Thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2007): Moving in with your debts doesnt sound like a option to me. She is on single parent benefits and these will be cut if you move in and are bringing a wage into the house. The gov wont give a sh!t if you arent actually bringing much ££££ home due to your debt. They just care about your salary.
Sort your debt out first. I am no expert on the topic so I cant elaborate. All I know is that if you are going to be moving in with this lady and you are out working you are going to have to be "the breadwinner" for her also and it doesnt seem that that is possible for you at the minute.
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