A
female
age
30-35,
*eartyGal
writes: Hi there, never knew I would post this. Actually, I have posted my case as an answer to one of the users and I'm sure there'll be people who will know what I'm talking about. For those who do not know my story, here goes. To start off, I am attracted to my lecturer. Actually have been for quite a while, since last year. I have no clue if he feels anything though. He's not particularly attractive the common way, it's his personality that draws me. He really nice and treats us all like adults. I'm 19 and he's 31 by the way. Before I get any major disapproval about this, I would like to say that I have actually thought a lot about this matter. Yes, I am aware of the consequences if I were to approach him in any way. That is why I do not allow myself much hope. I would like some response though. Would any male lecturers feel anything like that for their female student? Do they see us as young women and accept us? I have thought a lot about this matter and that's the reason I am feeling so much pain. I am not a person who rush things and there have been times where even my friends have felt the difference in the way he treats me. I have also tried my hardest to hide my feelings. As I mentioned, I do not dare to hope much. I am aware nothing is to be done if he doesn't feel the same way. I am graduating soon, and really hope he does see me as an adult and not a kid anymore. But of course a man of his age might not see me in that light, and I am afraid at times that I might accidentally make him feel disturbed instead because of my blushes or something. Please, I would really like some useful response. God Bless. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, xLovex  +, writes (23 August 2008):
Hi
Here is an article about loving your teacher/instructor...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/love-your-teacher.html
Try not to get to close to your instructor becuase it seems you do care about his future jus with the fact that you have stopped the communication. :D gd luck in the future xxx
A
female
reader, HeartyGal +, writes (23 August 2008):
HeartyGal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there, just wanted to update certain details on my case. I do wonder if anyone would reply.
I nearly fainted during one of my formal presentations that he was grading. It was due to many factors. From what I gathered, he was pretty shocked. However, I think I scared the daylight out of all my classmates too.
I was helped out of the class and when I got back, he was the first one to ask if I was alright. This was of course, expected (He's a lecturer, so it's his job to care).
I received a phone call on my cell from him when I got home as well. He was pretty worried and I don't know if I was imagining it, but he seemed reluctant to hang up, and we ended up talking close to 20min.
The unexpected was an email I got from him, telling me to take care of myself, and this was received the following night, after I got home from school. He kept asking me if I was really alright, and told me I looked really pale.(Went on for about 3days till I felt better)
Things went back to a more normal state after that.
Also, I have managed to get his personal IM account and we have shared a few conversations privately. We mostly talked about my future plans and some personal stuff.
Now comes the problem, he has shared with me that he was questioned about his ways of interacting with the student body. There have been rumors, created by his more senior colleagues that he was being too close with us. He was pretty upset about the matter and feels like quitting his job. However, he hesitates because he doesn't think he's doing any wrong, understanding us and allowing us to approach him without fear.
From this, I have felt very disturbed and we have ceased contact for a while. I have also began to stop myself from talking to him even in the corridors. Somehow, I think I have grown to understand him more, and feels like he's just being an all good mentor for us and habours no special feelings for me.
Also, I wish I could give him support in a way a student does, so that he can feel that we students do value him and would like his more senior colleagues to see that being close to us doesn't mean he has crossed that line.
Any view on this matter is welcome..thanks
GOD BLESS!!
...............................
A
female
reader, HeartyGal +, writes (15 July 2008):
HeartyGal is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hmmm, to be honest, I don't know if there's to be any parties. In my country, students studying in polytechnics in Singapore have to finish a 3 month industrial attachment before they officially graduate. A friend did suggest that that 3 months may be a better time to get to know him as a individual.
It's definitely going to be a long wait. And yes, thank you for pointing the possible difference in personalities. I actually thought about that when I was looking through an ex teacher's(secondary school) blog. I realised then that teachers are humans too, and whatever they show to students may not be their true nature.
That's why I will never dive in head first without making sure I can accept his true side.
God Bless...:-)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): Hi,
I personally know an academic who is now the fiancee of a former student (he's 33, she's 24 or 25). Dunno when they got together, they probably hit it off while she was a student and met up somehow after she graduated. But you shouldn't take this as a reason to hope it'll work out for you as every lecturer is different and may have different views as to such relationships. And believe me, I don't think you're naive at all, but I know from personal experience that many lecturers are ever so charming in class but turn out to be quite different in their everyday lives, possibly not the ideal you imagined. Then again, if you feel you have a connection you shouldn't let your current student lecturer relatinoship stop you. I suggest you wait till you graduate, then make an appointment to see him ostensibly to discuss career options. See how you get along then but don't say anything right away in his office because that's his workplace and he might freak out if a student or recent ex student made a move on him there, I dunno. Is there any kind of event coming up that your faculty would go to? Maybe on the graduation day he'll be at the party? At parties these boundaries can crumble away a bit, amazing what some liquor can do! Don't get stuck doing a PhD with him as your supervisor or something anyway which is what I did and we both fancy each other but he's very strict and professional and Im trying to be professional and feeling fairly frustrated! So don't get yourslf into that situation, but good luck anyway!
...............................
A
female
reader, HeartyGal +, writes (13 July 2008):
HeartyGal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anonymous, you really are spot on. To be honest, he's definitely single. That's why I allowed myself to be attracted to him in the first place. I am afraid he might get bored in time. It's hard to get to know him much more because I'm afraid I slip up and my feelings become too obvious. I am aware that will only push him away if he's not interested. He does let on some information to me at times but then turn all cold the next day. And that confuses me a little.
Thank you for your kind advice and that example of age is really one I have considered many times. There is something about 21/33 and 30/42 that is to be smiled upon.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): Usually I discourage student crushes on teachers, but if you might not do too badly if you keep in contact and wait another until you have left the school. The gap between 15 and 27 is impossible, but 21/33 is not so bad though still big. 30 and 42 is perfectly compatible.
Wait a while, get some life experience (otherwise he may run through the book of your life in a few months and get bored.) Stay in contact, and get to know him as a person and not an all-wise, all-good authority. If you're still friends and in love with him in a year or two, go for it!
Oh yeah-- first find out whether he's single.
...............................
A
female
reader, HeartyGal +, writes (12 July 2008):
HeartyGal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha, ok. Thanks though
:)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): Theres nothing new I have to add. You could try and keep in touch as friends I guess.
...............................
A
female
reader, HeartyGal +, writes (12 July 2008):
HeartyGal is verified as being by the original poster of the question To Gecko12, I thank you for your speedy answer and advice. Actually, I am currently doing that. I am trying to move on. That's why I choose not to do anything about it. I understand what you are trying to convey here. Time will tell I guess.
To all out there, please respond if you have any views/advice/help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): I think men do like younger 'women' like that, but I don't think they view themselves as having much hope either. Don't use any of this to give yourself hope either - because hope draws you into a world of pain and suffering.
As I was saying, they do. But he doesn't. He and every other teacher don't, or they shouldn't. Some do, they loose their jobs, their careers, reputation and good name. They may go to jail depending on what happened.
I know a lot of people say this to people who ask these questions. I'm with you. It doesn't feel like a silly little school girl crush. It isn't at the moment because thats not what you feel. You feel in love, but love isn't the right term to use. Its infatuation.
You need to understand that somewhere your husband is out there doing something and that one day you two will meet and get married. Thats the future; that you'll marry, have a family and grow very old together. Its just the distance between now and then and at the moment there is a obstacle blocking your journey through life.
You need to move on. Concentrate your emotions on something else. Nothing wrong with being friends but anything more and your in trouble. You have freedom and independance, so use it to roam and meet new people. Go out everyday. Keep your mind occupied and eventually you'll meet the next big thing.
...............................
|
