A
female
age
36-40,
*ildheart
writes:The boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years with a 6 month "break-up" about a year ago. We were still hanging out all the time, being intimate so it really wasn't much of a break...so things go sometimes. Anyhow, we have been happier than ever since we've come back together this time around. My dilemma in staying together is in where we are in life. We're both 25, we think very similarly about life, people and tough world issues etc. And although I don't believe that accolades and degrees make someone better or successful, there is a certain level of life goals and ambition that I'm not sure if my boyfriend has that I do. I've been though undergrad and grad school and he will be finishing undergrad in a month (due to some financial and mental setbacks). I am working, and would love to travel, but can't get him to travel with me beceause he refuses until he gets a job that and can pay for it himself. Cool, but I'm concerned that even then, there might be an excuse. He has no idea really what he wants to do next, which, to be honest, many people have the same dilemma. I worry, however, that he will be the kind of guy who jumps into a job and sticks with it without any chance of moving up and out into something else (i've seen this firsthand with my stepdad, and while i don't want to put my own insecurities on my bf, i don't want to be naive about the possibility). He has also talked about joining the military if he can't find anything after a long search (don't know if i could be a military gf--wife). He feels really behind compared to his friends also. Anyhow, I love him after all of that, I just want to be able to enjoy life with him, but I'm not sure if that will ever be the case. I think a lot of this might disappear when he gets started in his career path and has his own place (he's not proud that he's still at home and wants to move out in a hurry, but he has been trying to be financially smart and wait until he gets a steady job after graduation). He doesn't buy gifts for me anymore for special occasions, and he says it's cuz his family never really does that or celebrates holidays, but I wonder if he's just tired of not having enough money to do it right. It's just difficult sometimes to want so badly for him to get his life started (he does too) and then see what happens.Should I just be patient and see what happens after another year or so? Or should one be happy where we are now?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 November 2011):
 I can tell you mean well, but you are a bit too impatient. If your boyfriend was sitting in his parent's basement, smoking weed, no job, college applications on the coffee table yet to be filled out, and playing PS3 all day, then I say he has ZERO ambitions in life. Then I can see your case.
You gotta back off, let him finish school, and find his career. Let him get his ducks in a row before you two start exploring the world. These are goals he's set for himself and is trying hard to finish them. Stand aside and let him achieve his goals. Then you two can work on the ones you have together.
Don't keep looking at your parents and be afraid that you're going to follow in their footsteps. Everyone's situation is different. There's not just one factor that makes a marriage unhappy, it's a combination of everything.
A
female
reader, wildheart +, writes (15 November 2011):
wildheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea, I appreciate your answers. A couple of things:
a) the break was because we were both young and i didn't know understand what giving a space meant/ he didn't know what quality time meant. we were spending too much time together too. that has turned around full circle and we have finally found our balance and loving the time we do spend together.
b) for the gift thing, it's not so much that he is not buying me nice things. he knows that i'd appreciate just about anything that came from the heart even if it's just taking the time out to say something special about that day, watch a movie, go for a walk, do something free whatever. i guess it's the fact that he used to at least try and give me some kind of gift, even if it was homemade. i would always tell him how much i appreciated it. i'm just not sure if maybe it's simply b/c of money that he's really stopped trying even or if this is the slow decline of things.
c) the ambitions are to fully live life...like explore, live in different places together etc etc.
Overall, I know that he is a really good man who loves me. I think I need to just back off and let him figure out what he's going to do.
You all are right about the rush though. Sometimes I get ahead of myself and really just want things to start working out.
Patience is a virtue i'm still learning. I also just want to be in a happy and fulfilled relationship ultimately and I haven't really seen too many of those with the man coming up behind education-wise or financially. I think I have a secret fear of being like my mom and stepdad...who...in my opinion...don't seem as happy as I would want to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): Give him a break he's trying, you being in front of him by already working is probably not helping his male esteem. He is working towards a goal and is being realistic re career opportunities in the current climate.
If you want the material gains and rewards with a man who is at the same place as you in life, then gently let your boyfriend go. Dont become resentful of him, sticking around, because he will know deep down your wanting to follow your own path.
Its sad but sometimes we have to make choices.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (15 November 2011):
What was the nature of the break?
Give the guy some credit, he's working on his life. What's the rush?
What exactly are these ambitions that you want him to share??
I see nothing wrong with him wanting to finish school and a get a job before traveling with you.
It's no secret that the American economy sucks. That jobs are hard to come by. Even with a college degree, college grads are stuck working at retail jobs just to pay their bills. So I agree that if he wants to get finished with school and look for a decent job, then he needs to hang onto it!! Because there's always someone out there who will gladly take that position.
If he doesn't find a job in a certain amount of time, then there's nothing wrong with going into the military. It's a stable income, which is better than no income. As far as being a military GF/wife, that's NOT for everyone. It is by no means easy. The choice is his if he sees that as his last lifeline..you on the other hand will have to make the choice whether you can hack it or not in this relationship.
As far as gifts go, if he has no job then he has no money to buy you nice gifts. You should be a bit more understanding in this case.
Overall, I see you questioning your relationship because your boyfriend is "behind". When really you can finish school at any age. He's on the right track, he'll get there. If you really love him and want to stay together, you have no choice to be patient. Now if he's not on the same ambitious page as you, then perhaps you need to dump him for someone who is more advanced.
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