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I'm a stay at hom mom and feel trapped

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 March 2009) 2 Answers - (Newest, 12 March 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, *nhappilymaried writes:

Im 26 years old and I met my husband when I was just 16, We were high school sweethearts that moved in with each other right after graduation and got married when I was 21, had our first son when I was 23 and second at 25. I love him but at the same time we fight daily and I always think about leaving. He is a great dad, but spends alot of time with his friends. Im a stay at home mom and often feel trapped here. I keep thinking if things dont change Im to young to be this unhappy forever. I started talking to a guy i met online about a year ago and he seems like a sweet guy and I really like him. he wants to met me but i dont know what to do Im so confused. Am I being selfish or is this normal.

View related questions: met online, moved in, trapped

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A female reader, wonderingcat United Kingdom +, writes (12 March 2009):

wonderingcat agony auntFor some, a stay-at-home is a luxury, so I think you are one of the privilidged ones actually. For some, it is not an option, as the partner/husband may not make enough to support a family of 4 like yours. And I although I am not married, I have seen enough to see that it is plenty hard work being a stay-at-home mother and home keeper.

As Jessica said, people continue to develop during their life. New skills, new interests, new ideas, are just things that one develops over the years. As resources become available (time, money, friends, etc), your mind/brain kicks in and you start thinking "Hmmm...what can I do with these new resources?". I think this is what you are experiencing now.

Unfortunatelyl, at this stage, the communication channel between you and your husband may not be operating at the same frequency. His going out and spending time with his friends is also his way of making use of these resources (time, friends, money).

In addition to both of you establishing same-frequency communication, you may want to look at things that you can do on your own that makes you happy. For instance, are there courses over the weekend (or evening) that you can take? It could be anything, be it just a hobby, or something that you can take to prepare you to get an office job when your children no longer need 24/7 care. If you chose part time jobs, for instance, you will still have plenty of time being a wonderful mother and wife and at the same time you meet new people (plus bring in more money for the family).

You have invested your time in looking after the family for years, I think a few weekends (or a few evenings a week) where your husband looks after your children is not asking too much. Plus, he gets more time to be with the children, and when you come home from class/work, you two will have lots more to talk about! And if he sees you happy, he will even be more happy because he thinks he has made you happier! (wink). And you don't need to go online to chat and flirt with another man too. Why risk a marriage when you can work it out both inhouse?

Good luck, and I hope you will be happy again soon.

Cat

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A female reader, jessica04 United States +, writes (12 March 2009):

jessica04 agony auntA lot of times what happens with young people in relationships is they don't realize that your personality and interests change over time. On average, we are never the exact same person that we were a year ago.

It really sounds like you two have communication issues. You need to tell him that he needs to step it up more at home. I honestly suggest couples counseling or marriage therapy to work on these issues.

You are right, you are too young to be unhappy like this. You can still fix things if you are both willing to try. If he is not willing to help repair this relationship, then I would take the kids and leave. Go to your parents or a close friends house. Let him see how dire the situation really is.

Hold off on any side romance until you have at least attempted to work things out with your husband. If you two belong to a church, they often offer these kinds of services for free.

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