A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a newlywed and I can't seem to get aroused by my wife. I never had a problem with that before we were married. she is gorgeous, and sexy, and I truely love her and enjoy my time with her, and yet I cant seem to get hard, I can however, when i resort to the dirty habit of porn....any thoughts??
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): Had the same problem 18 tears ago with my then newly wed wife. Lasted about six months and then turned around and everything was fine. Dont worry it will pass. Try asking her to watch porn with you, kind of helped me.
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (16 October 2008):
 I think all the avice on here is sound, just wanted to add that you really should do all you can to ensure your wife knows you still find her attractive. You could end up with worse sexual issues if your wife's self esteem plummets because you don't seem to be into her anymore - she'll feel self conscious about sex, maybe even anxious about it - and then the two of you will be in a real double bind!
I think the male anon who talked about 'fear' within marriage was onto something - perhaps you should think about seeking some professional help to explore all that's going on for you. You should also think about talking openly with your wife about what's going on and that it has to do with you not her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): This sounds like a fake question since you described the "habit" of porn as "dirty". I assume you are the wife posting this, not the husband. Be that as it may...
Sadly, these things do happen and the suggestions here have been good.
There is a reward system in the brain that drives a person back to whatever it was they orgasmed with before. So,go cold turkey on the porn and fantasizing about things outside the marriage for awhile, till things "straighten out".
Personally I can't imagine not wanting a real sex partner more than a picture or video............
Once you begin having orgasms with wifey, then your brain will adjust to normal relations.
Are you saying that even if your wife offers fellatio, you have no response???
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb  +, writes (15 October 2008):
 First of all, I don't think that porn is the whole problem.Something tells me that you are using porn as a crutch. A way to see if everything is still working. Unfortunately its probably having the side effect of conditioning you to only get aroused when your wife isn't in the mix. I think it has everything to do with being married. I think your scared and are feeling pressured. You've made this lifetime commitment now. If something goes wrong, you can't just walk away anymore. You've got to make do with what you have. You are probably thinking, "so is this it?" "What if I get bored ten years from now?" "Oh no, I'm not getting aroused! Am I bored with her already?"I don't think you are bored at all, I just think all the fears that come along with commitment are making you feel pressured to perform.When its time to make love to your wife, is getting hard for her all you think about? If that's the case, then you are simply stuck in a feedback loop. Nothing will keep you from getting hard like worrying about getting hard. I have this problem from time to time. Everyone does at some point or another. Your new wife needs to know that this is not a reflection on her. If anything, your desire to please her and show her she turns you on is what is keeping you from being turned on in the first place. As soon as you turn the pressure off and relax, the blood will start flowing back to the right place and your sex life will be back on track. Here is what I did when it happened to me:1. Stay away from porn for a while. Instead, when your wife isn't around. Fanatasize about things that you appreciate about your wife's body. Think about how good it feels to run your fingers across her skin. You need to retrain your brain to respond to the sight, smell, and feel of your wife. Not an image on a computer monitor. 2. Don't masturbate or do anything to manualy stimulate yourself. You need to recondition yourself so that the only way you can get a sexual release is through your wife.2. Kiss, cuddle, and make out with your wife, without the intention of having sex. This takes the pressure to perform out of the equation and will let you relax.Don't worry. You'll get your groove back.
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A
female
reader, vodkagirl48  +, writes (15 October 2008):
first of all Dont panic!!! why not ask your wife to do a sexy strip for you ? a massage? why not enjoy just foreplay? dont have penetrative sex? just tease ... slow down. life isnt all about the sexual act, sometimes just kissing , caressing and a sexy massage is enough to please. Your sexual appetite will return trust me! My husband suffered for years with premature ejaculation (and i mean premature! just a kiss did it!!!) but we took things slowly, went back to basics, kissed, caressed, talked dirty to each other, discussed how we were feeling, and now things are back UP and running!!! take the pressure off yourself in the need to perform for your wife. Forget the porn, no one can live up to that sort of thin, its, pure fantasy! real life dictates that you take time go slow, talk, kiss, caress, but dont feel that you have to perform!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Stop the porn before you ruin your marriage. "real women" can't compete with all the trashy porn. Look at Christie Brinkley's ex...a beautiful intelligent woman and yet he was addicted to porn and totally neglected her. Seriously, if you don't want to ruin your marriage, stop messing with the porn, and court your wife. The poster who suggested no sex for awhile was very wise. Just stop it all for awhile, tease your wife, let it build up slowly, like when you first started dating..it'll all come back, I promise.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Another casualty of the porn generation. Just drop the porn it's desensitising your sexuality. Women are becoming no more than meat, a throw away commodity to you. Get to know the human inside.
Porn is bad.
God bless +
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): I wouldn't call masturbation a "dirty habit", it is a healthy practice in moderation, although you probably realise that there is something seriously wrong when you are neglecting the needs of your wife in favour of playing with yourself. This must hurt her very much and if you truly love her you could make an attempt to stop masturbating for a while and learn how to give and receive pleasure with your wife.
I'm sure you wouldn't deliberately harm or abuse your lovely wife. But if you can see neglecting her in this way can be very humiliating for her, then perhaps you would be more motivated to make an effort to pay full attention to her emotional and physical needs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Stop looking at porn, stop masturbating, stop all sexual activity for a while. Ask your wife to wear sexy clothes, talk about sex with her, start dating her and taking her to romantic places, but no sex. You can kiss, you can cuddle, but no touches for Johnny Penis. Eventually your body will become desperate and you will just need to have sex. You may find that it doesn't work at first, as you may become very nervous. No problem. Just follow the no sex routine again. Eventually you will just have to have sex with your wife, and your problem should be cured.
I suspect it's not a problem with the porn, but you might be feeling stressed out as a newly married man. Marriage may seem like an anti-climax for you. Try the no sex routine for a couple of weeks. By the way, the problem is yours. Please give your wife sexual pleasure in other ways as often as you can.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Amazing I just posted a question as a wife of a husband who would rather do million things than have sex with me. He is even willing to satisfy me sexually as long as I don't have to ask him to get hard and f**k me. Can you please explain your behavior? I don't know what is going on. My husband used to watch porn and talk online to women and masturbate but he claims he stopped it. Yet, after we got married sex is the last thing he wants to do with me.
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A
female
reader, littlesuziepie +, writes (15 October 2008):
 Maybe you can't get hard because you watch to much porn. Read up on it. Usually when a man watches porn a lot it desencitises him from the real thing.
Could be that you see your wife as perfect and fragile and you don't want to taint her. That would be accompanied by some psychological issues.
Just some suggestions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): wtf? Maybe get your head out of the sewer and see for yourself what you will be losing?
Women like having sex. Women like to feel loved by their partners. You not getting an erection/aroused by her is bad- she will not be happy with you. You getting aroused by porn, but not her, is really sad. Maybe instead of wasting her time, go jack off to porn all day. Let her live a good, happy life with someone who gets turned on by her. Seriously.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): well... maybe dont look at the porn as that might be distracting you from your gorgeous sexy wife??
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A
male
reader, prof_orr +, writes (15 October 2008):
 You're one of many people that substitute porn for real life experience.
Just consider all good sex you're missing while looking at porn.
Set up your bedroom with a bottle of white wine, light the room with 4 or 5 candles, tie a big red bow on your dick, call her into the bedroom and hand her a glass of wine.
Do this at least twice a week and let me know how it works out for ya!
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