A
female
age
41-50,
*obee
writes:I have just got married and desperately need some advice. My husband has a daughter who is now 7 and I have known her since we got together when she had just turned 4 years old. I try desperately hard to ensure that she is happy, comfortable and feels stable when she visits us and understand how difficult it can be for her sometimes, but the trouble I have is that my husband does not support me in any way when it comes to his daughter and we end up having incredible arguments. After a couple of weeks of being with us she can become restless (understanbly missing her mother)and life becomes pretty difficult with a lot of anxiety from her being targeted at me, this causes friction and normally ends up with both hub and daughter taking it out on me. I think that we have to provide more of a routine for her instead of the visit being treated like one long holiday but hub seems to think I am being cruel, there is little discipline and again if I try to speak to him am accused of being almost a cruel stepmother even though I do all I can. Everytime he says things will change but it never does and now I am wondering what I have taken on. helppp Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2007): try this for support in your situ:www.bswc.co.ukYou would be made very welcome.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (3 April 2007):
 You made a choice that most people would not. That little girl gets her way when she succeeds in playing divide and conquer with you and her father. She is currently winning the war.
You are pretty lucky to have a glimpse into a future where you have a child with this guy. I doubt the situation will be any better. That future child will probably play divide and conquer with as much success as this little girl.
If you want peace in your house (it IS your house too), then I suggest you set boundaries for acceptable behaviour for everyone - the little girl, her father, and you. If you don't succeed then your marriage will be in deep trouble. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (3 April 2007):
 I was wondering if he is at odds with his Ex or if they get along (as well as can be expected) as Parents. The interests of the child should always come first (easier said than done). I can't imagine that her Mother enjoys getting her back after she hasn't had any dicipline for a month. At that age, children may look pretty grown up, but they can easily be overstimulated - and lack of boundaries and sleep do not help! They really thrive on having firm guidelines and it is obvious that you are going to be the one to put your foot down! You have really wonderful mothering intincts and even though you are her Step-Mother, your Husband has to be your Partner by supporting you as the woman-of-the-house. I your Hubbies Ex is agreeable, why don't you get her regular schedule and duplicate it while your step-child stays with you. It's a big mistake to give in to a child out of a misguided sense of wanting her to be happy all the time because he feels guilty for not with her the rest of the time. He has to understand that by being this lax in her discipline, she will pick-up on his feelings and learn to manipulate him (kids are smart). It's one thing for a 7 year old to get her own way all the time, but what happens when you have a spoiled 15 year old living with you? You might be writing about a WHOLE other set of problems if you don't get him to see the light. He's her Dad, not her friend. You are absolutely right to expect to be treated as a co-parent while she is in your house and he needs to respect that. She has to see that he respects you and she also has to show you respect. Kids can also see a divided front and try to take advantage of it. Whenever you need to talk about her, be it a decision or dicipline, step out of the room together and Decide Together. Get on the same page! When she asks him or you in private, the answer is "I'll discuss it with your Step-Mom first" and "I"ll discuss it with your Dad first". Don't allow her to use the divide and conquer technique. You BOTH have to sit down and agree to make the same choices consistently. You were absolutely right in your assessment of the situation and definately have great child rearing skills because you knew she needs a regular schedule and not a perpetual holiday. You are not the cruel step-mom, you seem to be a very smart woman who cares for a lucky girl and a Dad who needs some guidance and a wake-up call. Are there any other women in the family with kids? They may be helpful in getting him to see the light. Enlist Grandma if possible. I hope that things work out for you. Once you start to see an improvement, don't let him slip back into his old ways. Be firm! Good Luck and I'm in Your Corner!
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A
female
reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT +, writes (2 April 2007):
 Hi babes,
This is just as hard for you as it is for them, he sees this as its his daughter so thereforehe will make the decissions, fair enough, but she is now part of your life now you are married , she comes to stay with both of you....
You have not stated exactly what you row over but his daughter is sticking by him so if you can play them at their own game here you may find they will come to you before you go to them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you have tried everything like you have stated just tell your hubby you understand and will not get involved but he can not have the best of both worlds here, you are intitled to have some input but only because you care you want to offer a good stable home for her to come to..
Good luck babes,
xx
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