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If he loves me, why doesn't he fight for us?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 December 2010) 1 Answers - (Newest, 23 December 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *russells writes:

ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for ten months tomorrow. things have been rocky for a long while. about 6 months ago i tried discussing with him the fact that i wasnt really happy like i used to be, that he used to make so much effort, do all the little thinngs, but lately id felt that he was distant, and didnt care, and when he paid me no attention it made me feel totally worthless.. he didnt really reply, but i noticed he was crying a bit, so i think it must have atleast ment something to him. anyway when things didnt get any better i broke up with him, it was the worst feeling, i was completly in love with him but he had changed and i just wasnt happy. after a few days i started to realise id made a mistake, thought we could work on things, so i turned up unannounced to see him, in the end he asked me to stay over, and i did, i missed my artwork exherbision the next morning so i could spend the night with him. i made so much effort to sort things between us, giving up so much and doing everything i could to get him to trust me again. in the end we got back together, he went back to normal for a while then after a week or do began to go cold again, started treating me like he didnt care.

two weeks ago i found something on his computer that showed he'd been having sexual conversations with another woman, this obviasly upset me and knocked my confidence hugely. i decided not to end the realtionship over it but i told him that he would have to make alot of effort and do everything he could to fix his mistake. but now, even after the efforts that i went to when i was trying to make my mistakes up to him, he still wont do anything. he treats me like im at the bottom of his priorities list, he'd rather buy a new modification for his car than take me out, its always me arranging to see each other etc etc, i feel like this is a one sided relationship, he says he loves me but doesnt act like it. i dont know what to do, im at the end of my tether, he hurts me constantly without even realising, but it hurts more when we arent together, i dont know what to do anymore.. help :(

View related questions: broke up, confidence, got back together

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A female reader, angelDlite United Kingdom +, writes (23 December 2010):

angelDlite agony aunthi

you seem to have had four months at the start of the relationship that were happy and he was attentive enough and then he cooled towards you. or to put it another way: the length of time he has made you happy and secure is LESS than the time he has made you feel unloved. some times we can meet someone and at the beginning we feel infatuated with them but then we know them for longer and realise that after the initial excited feelings have worn off, there is really nothing deeper. this is probably not your fault and nothing you have done wrong, its just a case of not being able to love EVERYONE we meet, so dont feel bad ok? on the other hand he may just feel more comfortable with you now and feel that he does not have to make the effort to be romantic etc. however, he should want to take you out rather than spend all his money on bits for his car. it is very easy for us to say we love someone. it is only words. he needs to behave as if he loves you! you need to make a list of his good and bad points and be very honest with yourself when you do this. from reading what you have wrote it does seem as if you are the only one working at this relationship. although to give you a proper answer i would have to hear his side of the story. maybe he finds you are high maintenance and you want more emotionally than he can (or wants to) give. the sex chat with another woman though is a definate no-no! if he has wrecked the trust between you this will be very difficult to get back and therefore an unhappy time is ahead for you both! you are very young, you dont say how old he is. you may both meet loads of other partners in the future before deciding on one that you will settle down with. if you are not happy with the amount of attention, respect or love he gives you then i think you may be better leaving this relationship. i dont believe you can or should try to change anyone. may be this one just isnt right for you.


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