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male
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anonymous
writes: I have a situation where I have recently recovered from a long term (10yrs) illness. I lost a fair bit of weight because of this illness and basically women became less friendly, and I was single for all that period. I need advice on the issue of sexual history or lack of it in my case. With women when the conversation has cropped up about past relationships I have mentioned that I had an illness and the talked about the effect this had on my life and that I had been single for about 4 or 5 yrs (lie). In every case I have noticed a change in demeanour on the part of the women whether it be a date or a good female friend /work colleague. In some cases dates that I thought had been going great for a number of hrs finished very quickly after I mentioned I had not had a gf for over 4 yrs. (lucky I didn’t say 10). I knew it was not a good thing from a female perspective but I was shocked when I overheard a conversation recently between a group of women in their 30s about guys they had recently dated who had mentioned they had been single 3-5 yrs, and the consensus was ..eewww losers, creeps, charity cases, no way, etc. I have since made up a relationship history and clued up family + some friends on it, but its going to stress me to keep up such subterfuge into a relationship. Love to hear some feedback from females or from guys who have had to deal with big relationship gaps.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2006): I’m the person who wrote this question ...for the anon F readers thank you for your replies.
Anon F1 - what you say is correct. With sex its no problem but I would definitely feel a bit weird showing intimacy to a women after being single so long and also having 'single' women be so aloof and prudish for so long when I was thin. It would surprise me though that most women would look at this way. I could be wrong but I thinks its a case of women not wanting a guy that other women have rejected, more so than they have to teach him how to love them.
Anon F2 - I have in the past kept things vague, but when you start getting friendlier with a women and they start telling you all about their past and pester you about your past it definitely gets harder to be vague. I really get the impression that women suspect its been a long time because I dont brag. I have read a few articles written by women where they say if a guy is vague about his past relationships that it is a red flag that he is hiding something or he has a lack of intimacy, and to either do some detective work on his friends + family or to pass up on him.
Anon F3 - I agree with you, but the thing is some of the women who changed when I mentioned how I had been single for quite a while where women I thought were pretty special and I would not have classed them as shallow or narrow minded. Those women I mentioned discussing guys being single for 2 yrs as losers, were women I know and the sad thing is they are very much your nice average dte women. For me its a case of damned if you do and damned if you dont (lie).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006): The number of years doesn't really matter to my way of thinking, it most definitely isn't because anyone is a loser, only maybe the narrow-minded people who made the comments that you said. There can be any number of reasons why people don't have relationships for many years and anyone worth your time won't be bothered by how many years you have been single.
Just do what the previous two readers wrote and I don't think you'll go far wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006): don't lie - it's not worth it in the long run. people may have been weirded out by hearing something as heavy as a 10yr illness early in a relationship. or, bc you think there's something to explain, it may come off as a bit suspicious when you try to defend your long-single status. my approach would be to keep things vague. you don't have anything to be ashamed of, and anyone who would judge you is just a daft, and you don't want to be with them, anyway. if someone asks about your relationship history, focus them back on the present with an answer like, "it's been a while since my last serious relationship - i've just been waiting for the right person to come along - someone i can really connect with." that is all true, and it leaves the heavy stuff for later. and anyone who tries to pry beyond that is just rude, and you don't want her, either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006): i dont really think its because guys havent had a gf.its more of the work that girls would have to doi mean most girls like guys who know what and how to do things,and if they dont..it takes lots of work.i mean when i was my bf's first gf,it took me months to get him to know what to do i mean i had to teach him how to hug me, hold my hand, i mean everything!! (it was totaly worth it though!!) and i think thats why most girls like guys with more experence!! but maybe u should just not tell girls how long since its been that you had a gf then they will get to know u and maybe not jugde u soo fast!! You dont need to tell girls that!! u can just keep it private! and i think evrything will work out for u!
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