A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey,I am in a bit of a dilemma at the moment. With that said, let me tell you a little about myself. I am a 24-year-old guy. I don't do drugs, never smoke, still a virgin, and only drink socially. I eat somewhat healthy, and try to hit the gym to get a work-out whenever possible. My mom tells me I am sweet, kind, caring, sensitive, gentlemanly, and have a heart of gold. I love children and animals, and have made charitable contributions to a few different organizations. Also, I am in college and able to hold down a part-time job. My parents both tell me that I'm a "good boy" that doesn't ask for much. Me - I would say I'm a bit old-fashioned, and definitely know how to treat a girl. I open doors for girls, and would put my hand on her back while walking behind her to make sure she was safe. You know, the whole nine yards, lol.Here's the issue - I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and PTSD. I have never dated a girl, never kissed a girl, and never had a girlfriend. Though, I have had girls just as friends. I don't really have any friends that I don't see outside of work or school. I am also a member of an organization at my university. I don't know what it is, but I am just at my wit's end with it. I only ever went up to one girl in college to ask her out for a cup of coffee, and she shot me down. I've tried a couple of online dating services. While we had some nice conversations, I never met any of them outside the computer. The online dating thing doesn't really seem to be working, and am thinking of quitting it and looking for girls in the real world instead of through the Internet. My mom said to try everything, though.I really feel like I'm one of the rare dream guys left in this world, and one a girl would love to have. The trouble is, I have a lot of trouble showing off my fun personality to anybody. What kind of person I really am, as well. I don't want anybody to think I'm boring anymore. I'm afraid they'd think I'm a jerk...but my parents think I'm funny. I don't know what to believe, or what to say to people. All my life, I've felt "left out" of several circles. I've been to a few therapists, and one psychiatrist so far. To this date, none of them have really helped me with the "girlfriend issue" I seem to be having. I would very much like to lose my virginity before I turn 30. I am very worried it will not happen, due to my fear of becoming intimate with the opposite sex.Any advice would be greatly appreciated,Anonymous :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 March 2013):
Try to cross relationships off your list of priorities. It's a source of anxiety and once you eliminate that you'll give yourself some breathing room. I lost my virginity at 22 but before that I used to obsess over it, thinking I'd never find a guy.
It was only when I just let go of that, the urgency and just started focusing on setting up my career and financial future, that I allowed things to happen. You tend to meet the right people when you're not expecting it. Why, because you're not forcing things; you're just you being you, not carrying a big 'DATE ME' sign over your head. If you're calm and don't put a lot of pressure on yourself when it comes to relationships, girls will sense that calm and will be more drawn to you.
A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 From what i've read you seem to be doing great. Yes getting rejected by someone you want to get to know is always a toughy. I mean i used to get rejected all the time really knocked me down but i ended up living my life and felt well fine i'll get someone someday i know it and POOF! one day it did just happen!My boyfriend has Aspergers and when he first told me i didn't believe him because to me he seemed 'normal' if you can say that. I thought he made a fantastic effort as i dated him and got to know him more i realised how much Aspergers affects his day to day life and he felt like you that no girl would want to get with him because he's not sociable. I made the effort to talk so i made it feel more easier for him but that's just me.3 years on we're still going strong. Maybe what you should try and do is push yourself out of your comfort zone just to try and get to know a girl you like and gradually as you get to know them they'll begin to understand how you feel and how much effort you went through if they don't then they aren't worth your time but just try and hang out with your friends outside of work say a meal or a pub something like that and try just to go out of your zone just for a little while see how it goes. Portray yourself as confident if you are not let the girls know what they are missing out on and that you are a great guy that girls want to have in their life and show them that they'd be lucky to have you.Anyways i hope this helps chin up! You'll be fine x
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 It may not look like it, but at 24, 30 is still a long way to go. I've been single for most of my life, losing my virginity at 23 and with "only" two relationships. I've had my first girlfriend when I was 25, we lasted for 3 years. After that I've been single until I was 36 years old; I'm getting married next Saturday and turning 40 in April ... Just saying it's never too late.What worked for me? First, let me tell you that like you, I've been suffering from an anxiety disorder (not only socially but in almost every aspect of my life). For me the key has been in learning how to deal with my anxiety. There was more going on then not being able to find a girlfriend.A first step, that helped me a lot in a lot of aspects of my life was "mindfulness based cognitive therapy": a course that takes 8 weeks during which you will learn about meditation, yoga. It helps a lot of people in learning how to deal with pain, stress and anxiety.Secondly, I decided that having a relationship was not all that important to me. I'm afraid this is not a choice that you can really choose to make; you have to be ready to make this switch, it's something that life will give you at some point in time. I don't think it will work when you decide that a relationship is not important in order to get a relationship. But it was an important change in my thinking that, in retrospect, enabled me to meet my future wife.What happened? I had been travelling to Nepal before but when I arrived home from my second trip to the Himalayas, I decided that I wanted to start a little company in Kathmandu, trying to employ people that otherwise wouldn't get a chance at all. For a while I have been so involved in my ideas that I didn't have the time to ruminate over trying to find a partner. I never got my company but it allowed me to focus on different things for a while.I believe that this episode played an important rule because it took away my focus from relationships. Like you, I've also tried dating sites. My experience is that the anonymity of such sites can make people very harsh and often rude or aggressive in their reactions (although, you might try to imagine the kind of messages women receive in their inboxes for a better understanding). If you're not confident, this will surely affect you. My focus on relationships would make things even more painful, turning every rejection into a confirmation that I would never find someone.The third and most important aspect was the help of a therapist. I had been seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist for a while. We had noticed that I had a "problem" with women. I had an attitude towards women that also affected my work. I sometimes felt so scared when having to deal with a female co-worker that I was rude, verbally aggressive and turned into an arrogant brat.We chose for an approach that is based on exposure therapy (a classical example of this is the way people learn to deal with their fear of spiders). I got assignments that evolved over time: I started out with just saying good morning to women I passed on the street, then I got to ask for directions to a certain shop, advice in choosing a tie to match a new shirt, ... In small steps I evolved to making conversation in bars, I got phone numbers and emails, but none of these women really appealed to me which probably made things a lot easier.At a certain moment, I started talking to my therapist about one specific woman I met in the gym repeatedly. He suggested that maybe I was ready to subscribe to a dating-site again. I did, and it was only afterwards that I realized that in doing so, I slightly switched my focus, enabling me to get to know the woman that eventually became my girlfriend without my fears getting in the way. I didn't feel like trying to find a partner when I met her, with my therapist as a coach, I somehow managed to maintain my spontaneity.I don't claim that I have the perfect solution to your situation but reading what you're going through, I thought that my example might give you some courage or even inspiration.If I am to suggest any concrete actions, I would tell you to give up on-line dating (at least for the moment ;-) ), to try and shift your focus away from relationships and to discuss the possibility of cognitive behavioural therapy with your general physician or a psychiatrist.Don't worry, and it will happen.
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