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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I feel uncomfortable around my boyfriend and at least most of the time. I think it is because of small things, which I take to mean something more serious or which simply cramp my style and we're incompatible on this plane. Here's the story. I'll start at the beginning to give the background but will try to keep it short.I met my boyfriend 2,5 year ago and we've been a couple for a year now. It took us long to get with each other, partly due to circumstances - distance, studies, other people (I mean each of us had their own circle of friends and we met only from time to time, and usually there was a reason to it, not just to chat), partly due to shyness. At one point we started talking more and more often, mostly via the internet as he had gone abroad as an exchange student. We talked for our about almost everything and I found him to be mentally stimulating and smart - qualities that I had found very difficult in other potential parners. I was happy he enjoyed talking to me so much but it worried me he avoided "niceties" and whenever I tried to get closer, not in a romantic way, but just because I thought it was natural after talking so much, I felt like he put up a wall. I sometimes felt ignored when I talked in a more emotional way (eg talking about my likes/dislikes, expressing my anger at sth etc.) and he didn't even care to mention it or said sth like "aha" and went on to another topic. I felt like whatever we discuss is more important to him than me at that monent. It was something new to me and I tried to explain it to me because it was really hard to name what was wrong, well, it was hard to say he did sth wrong. I thought he just liked talking, was not interested in closer ties, was just "men-typically" blind to flirt so I better respect it. Somewhere along the way I fell in love. It hurt me when he seemed to ignore me but justified him and was still very excited to talk. He invited me to the city he was staying in and we spent some really nice couple of days there but nothing romantic. Later on, when he came back to the country, he suggested going somewhere for a weekend, I agreed and it felt like talking to him all this time - didn't get my hints, my attempts at nice talks were unnoticed and I felt dumb when he didn't react to my jokes or corrected me. And he seemed happy and talkative as usual.We got together sort of incidentally and I have sometimes felt bad about the fact he never seemed to try to conquer me, seduce me. I know he was scared, didn't know how to do it etc. but being nice, paying a compliment, showing interest in the person is not always risky and I feel I've not completely understood it nor got over it. Now he knows that I have a problem with that. He is trying to fix it and he tells me nice stuff really often, though it cost him a lot to overcome his fears. When I tell that such and such behaviour hurt me, he explains he meant no harm but does not refer to my feelings. When I have a problem connected with him I come to him for help and he often sees it as an attack - that I accuse him of doing things wrong again. At such moments he seems very egocentric to me and it hurts me a lot that I show understanding but he does not. Because of it I am often scared to say what is bothering me for fear of getting hurt again. I feel I don't have the right to make mistakes - when I get angry and frustrated during such a talk he uses it against me, saying there is no need to talk to him in this way and that he feels attacked. I feel like being spontaneous doesn't pay - because I naturally hope for too much (attention, recognition). And being deliberate doesn't always work. I feel restrained. It is best that I stand firmly on my position and am composed but I really have problems being assertive, and beyond some point, I don't see sense in ascertaining yourself so much - because relationship should be about going out to the other person...I'd like some outside perspective. Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): Hey! Thanks for your reply. You see, it is him who first told me he loved me and I was very surprised. And it is him telling me he had been looking for someone like me and that I am perfect for him. I don't ask him to say such things. And he never says things he doesn't mean. When he opens up about his feelings for me it is always very emotional. He had troubles doing it and told me there have been many things about emotions in general that he didnt realise before our relationship, so he is still learning. The fact he really loves me makes this situation even more difficult to understand.
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (12 August 2009):
 Let's face it. You have been together now for over a year, and it's about that time that you start seeing the other person for who they really are. I mean that initial attraction is gone and now that you see him more often, his flaws might drive you a little more crazy than usual. You have to look at the facts about this guy. You say he's a nice guy and that he is trying to compromise with you by giving you more compliments and putting down that 'wall'. That's always a good sign, but I wouldn't get too frustrated about it. Why? Because it sounds like this guy is acting like he always has. He hasn't really changed, and this personality he has is his own. This is just how this guy is. It sounds like he has always been like this. A little shy when it comes to the more personal things, or perhaps he edges around the more emotional conversations because he doesn't want to take part. Maybe that's just the type of guy he is. What does this mean? It means you can't take it personal. He isn't doing it to make you upset or distance himself from you (I am assuming he makes mutual effort for contact and visits), it's just the way he IS. So what can you do about it? Nothing. You can't change a man. That's the bottom line, and so many women out there think they can. The thing about love is that you accept a person for who they are. If you get too frustrated by his actions even though he is attempting to become better for you, then maybe you need to reconsider being with him. It'll save you a lot of frustration though if you just accept who is. Focus on the good things instead of the bad about him. If the 'bad' aspect is too much for you and outweighs the good, then you need to say good-bye. It's nothing personal. He is who he is. Whether you accept that or not is up to you! Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): He's a man and you're a woman... there are major differences in thinking. Seriously, read the old book "men are from mars, women are from venus", find a site to download the ebook if you cant be bothered buying the book, then you'll either realise that you're just dealing with the guy/girl differences or you'll realise that you're both incompatible. I hope its not the latter. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): Look you want to be loved desperately, nothing wrong with that. This guy probably really enjoys your company but I worry he may not ever love you the way you want to be loved.
I cant give you the answer to your problem as i dont know eithr of ye well.
But I think you need to ask him honestly if he really loves you and i mean really really loves you, he may not but wouldnt you want to know now rather than later.
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