A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance told me she doesn't want to be friends with me...if she wanted me as a friend then she wouldn't be with me. I can understand that to a point, but she treats and talks to her friends with more humanity then she gives to me.I know she loves me, that's not the problem here...it's the fact that she doesn't show me or make me feel secure about it barely ever. It's like a string she dangles in front of me that I just can't get. I question it sometimes...and it really does just break my heart. I've tried to explain this to her many times, but she just tells me to man up and deal with it. All I'm really looking for is her to show me that she loves me the same way I do for her. To show me and prove to me that she cares. I do everything for this girl...I love her with all of my heart and soul. But like I said...I KNOW she loves me, I just wish she would show me and make me feel appreciated...because as of right now I feel as if I'm being taken for granted alot of the time.Is there anything I can do to get over this feeling? Or make her realize that I am important enough to make feel secure? :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): lemontree25 couldn't say it any better. Sorry if I'm not supposed to piggy back on anyone else's answer, but maybe if you hear from more than one person that what lemontree25 said is 100% accurate, and you can match that manipulative personality disorder with your fiance, you might be more assured about it being exactly what will happen. You have a great way of speaking lemontree25, and as much as I've been with that type of person before, myself, experiencing such a hell, you've said it in such a way that I too have better reasoning about it, and why they act that way. Thank you, from me, lemontree25, whether it helps him or not.
A
female
reader, lemontree25 +, writes (18 February 2010):
She's manipulating you. That string dangling thing you talk about is how she keeps you wanting her and coming back for more. She likely has some type of personality disorder because anyone who manipulates regularly within close and intimate relationships usually does. She keeps you at a distance because she is afraid that if she really starts to care for you she won't be able to manipulate you anymore and then she is vulnerable and out of control. People like this DO NOT change, I promise, I was with one for 2.5 years. Since then I've had flings in which I feel more valued and loved. My advice is to get out and stay out, as hard as that might be. She will do and say whatever she thinks will get you back and then she keep pushing you away like she is right now. Basically what she does is give you just enough affection and attention to keep you hooked, like her love is a drug and you need a fix. Go to rehab (not literally though), and spend 90 days without her. You will feel like a new and free person after that. And everyone else is right that your fiancee should be your friend. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aquamarine  +, writes (18 February 2010):
 It appears to me that she has no respect for you. Do you think you might have offended her? or done anything to make her feel angry at all? Have a good think. You say you have told her already and if she is saying be a man, get over it, she seams to be angry with something. Maybe she is so used to you treating her right that she has forgot how to treat you right! if i was in your position i would stop doing some things i did for her gradually till she notices, she might not realise how lucky she is untill you stop being you! She might not realise just how much she is hurting you! If anything you try is not enough to make her realise, then im afraid to say it but i doubt this realtionship will work. good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 February 2010):
But you don't know she loves you. Never measure a person by their words. Measure a person by their actions. Her actions say that she doesn't love you. You are supposed to be friends with her. I get the feeling she's treating you like a bit of a doormat to be honest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): Does she talk ALOT to her friends about EVERYTHING and then say nothing to you unless you initiate? Does she go out whenever she wants without caring what you think, yet when you go somewhere she gives you the gears or acts mad or jealous, sometimes accusing you of things? Is the few times she talks to you when she snaps and acts ornary? Does she act busy all the time when you want to do something with her, yet when she wants to do something she makes you feel like you never do anything with her? If so, you're about to marry someone I used to be with. I don't know if she has that same type of character, as though she chooses to be distant in her mind..but if she does, then it will be a miserable existance together, and she will never change, as much as you would like to believe she ever has the potential to change. Now just watch, you'll get someone trying to counter what I just said to prove a point, saying, "Oh, anyone can change", but trust me, some people never do, though it's good to dream about it and pretend to feel okay with it. You will never feel happy around someone who disrespects you that much and thinks it's okay to never give you the time of day. From what you say about her telling you to suck it up, I'm sure if she has most of the traits down that I just asked about, the domineering will be inevitable, as well. I hope she's not near as bad as what I think she'll be to live with, but if she is, then please seriously think about calling off the engagement, and possibly never marrying her. If she's not as bad as most of the examples I listed above, then skip this little answer.Good luck with this, dude. I feel for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): The person you share you life with should be your friend. Your fiance is not filling your needs.
I want you to think, if feel like this now, how are you going to feel about it in 20 years time?
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (18 February 2010):
 When reading your story I could not understand how it is that you 'know' that she loves you. I don't know her and I don't want to judge her, but if everything you've said about her is true, then she doesn't love you. Go back and read what you've written, how is it possible that her behaviour could be interpreted as love?
She says that she doesn't want to be friends with you? What is she to you then? Someone you only sleep with and will marry? My boyfriend is my best friend...that's how it is.
You say that you know she loves you...but guess what if she doesn't show it, then I'm afraid that she doesn't love you. Actions speak very loud...you just need to pay attention to how she treats you.
I gather that you're in love with this girl but that she doesn't love you the way you need to be loved. Is it possible that she's taking you for granted?
Even though it wasn't nice of her to tell you to man up...I think that's what you actually have to do. You talk about her dangling a string in front of you...and you're absolutely right...she's got you wrapped around her finger and it suits her well.
What you need to do is change things a bit. I'm not saying that you should treat her bad or anything like that but show her what it would be like not to have you. Don't be there for her all the time, don't be a doormat, don't give in to her demands. She needs to realize what she's got and what she could stand to lose if she doesn't wake up.
The other thing that you need to think about is her ability to change. Was she always like this? Do you think she can change? Do you think it's possible that she will change and remain so into your marriage?
Lots of stuff to think about. Bottom line is, no matter how great she is, if she doesn't make you feel good about yourself, then she's not for you.
Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, adamantine +, writes (18 February 2010):
 Well.. if you're going to marry someone, they should be your best friend. You're going to be, or I'm assuming you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How is a house going to withstand the elements if there is no foundation (friendship) upon which it should have been built?
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