A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I entered a relationship with an Scotsman 3.5 years ago. We met and started dating online and he's visited me in person in the USA approximately 11 times since he asked me out via email. The plan was for me to move to Scotland when I receive my PhD in Medicine and marry him when I get there.I have one month left of my last semester in med school, my "flat" with this man is ready for us and we've paid the first two months plus the deposit / down payment, and I was getting really excited about the prospect of finally starting my life. Especially with a sexy, intelligent, funny man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.Then last night, I received a rather angry and disturbing email...From his wife.They've apparently been married for 25 years, her husband (my boyfriend) is 15 years older than he told me, and they have twin daughters just five years younger than me and two sons age 16 and 18.Needless to say, I was completely shocked, devastated, confused, and just all-around, at a stand-still with this sudden turn of events. I am absolutely in love with this man, more than ready to start my life with him as soon as possible, and then I find out all of this! I know I'm going through a tough time myself but I can't even begin to imagine what his wife must be thinking and/or going through! What his kids are going through!I'm at a complete loss as to what I should do. I'm trying to remain strong for my own dignity and sanity. Any suggestions as to how I deal with the apartment situation and just getting over this without too much of a bruised ego? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Oh hun :( For starters, you don't have to remain strong. Just let yourself feel whatever you feel, its the healthiest way to deal with it. Thank god you found out when you did. The fact is, he lied to you. A LOT. You have to forget about him. The best thing to do in my opinion is keep it civil with him (if you can) until you get as much of your money back as you can (sometimes deposits are non-returnable?) and then just move on. It will take time but you have to remember, you're just starting your life. You have nothing to lose but him. You have the whole world at your feet. Cut your losses and start your new life. Best of luck xxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Please praise his wife for advising you when she did so.Sue your miscreant Romeo in small claims court for deception in his jurisdiction.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): First of all, good on you for not even thinking about continuing this relationship. Best thing to do is just talk to him, tell him you want out. Next go about getting your bit of the deposit back. Talk to the landlord and see how much of it you can get back- it should be all of it considering that you haven't moved in. You might have to pay some sort of penalty for not actually moving in and a lease being written up. Although, things might be different in the states? What a horrible, lying excuse of a man.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (14 April 2010):
 WOW! Just be glad you found this out now rather than later; things would be much worse if you'd already uprooted yourself and moved to another country only to find out this man is a liar. It hurts now, but you really were spared a lot of heartache.
As far as the apartment, maybe you can find someone to sublet. Have you asked the owners about possibly returning some of your money? It sucks to lose money, but whatever the amount it was a small price to pay to be free of this jerk.
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A
female
reader, Meeshell +, writes (14 April 2010):
I agree, if he cheated on someone he had a family with, who's to say that he'll trade you in for a newer model down the road. Don't be that woman, if he wants to ruin his life fine, but don't participate.
I'm so sorry you were decived for so long. My roommate just found out that her boyfriend of 10 months is married. She had thought she couldn't go to his place because he still lived with his ex-girlfriend and didn't want to offend her, but after a long night of talking, he admitted the truth. She told him, as hard as it was for her, to try to work things out with his wife, even though that about 5 months ago his wife moved out and started dating because she knew the boyfriend/husband was doing something behind her back. As much as it hurts, she realized that why would she want to be with someone with so little integrity and that had lied to her for so long. She is still in love with the man she thought he was, but the reality will slowly take the pain away. You have way too much going on to waste time on this dirtbag. You're a catch, wait for someone who deserves to catch you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): i know you may be feeling confuse and not knowing what to do, i think the best way to move on is to focus on your school and just remind yourself that his worth nothing. a man like that doesn't deserve your love. i'll bet when you finally become a doctor and start working with professionals a good man will come your way. just remember that you always need to take a deeper look. good luck
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