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I want to write my husband a letter about how hurt I am due to his cheating and what this marriage means to me!

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 May 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 8 May 2008)
A female South Africa age 36-40, anonymous writes:

i have just found out that my husband was cheating on me for the last 3 months he has decided to leave the other woman and work things out between us for the sake of our marriage and for our 2 kids.

i want to send him a letter telling him how hurt i am and how much this marriage means to me and how much i love him even though what has happened

pls help me write a letter to him and give me some advice

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008):

There is a letter I posted along these lines entitled;

'Something I want to share' by tuatara on 28th Feb 08.

It might give you some words or thoughts.

With love

Tuatara

xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008):

I am soory this happened to you, sweety. What a hard time for you. Have you and he ever really openly and honestly, discussed this issue. May be you have but you need further help in dealing with it and he should be willing to be loving and supportive to you through this painful time. I think that your need to write him a letter, expressing your hurt, says to me-you are still in pain and struggling emotionally, badly. Simply put, this issue is NOT resolved and over, in your mind and in your heart. You have not moved away from it yet and he needs to know that. I'm not going to put forward that old myth--'that the past need not affect the present' because I believe with many couples ' past infidelity not only affects the present and future, but in some cases can dictate it". You're wounded over this and it going to create a huge emotional wedge in your marriage. Your deeply emotional response, is perfectly human, and exactly the sort of thing that we all deal with, in our relationships. I think that in your letter, you can say,

"my dear, this issue is still painful for me, so I want your support and understanding in helping me find a way to deal with it, in a healthy, good way. I want a happy life and future with you and I don't want to ruminate on this endlessly. But I simply can't resolve this on my own. I love you very much and I want to move ahead...so I have to ask you...please consider being supportive and taking responsibility for this, by agreeing to get into marriage counseling with me."

Make this letter your most honest and heartfelt handiwork.. Let him know that honesty will build the intimacy and trust, again and you don't want the anger and resentment that could come from not dealing with problems that led to his cheating, in the first place. Don't blame or shame him. Just ask for his help and tell him you need time and loving efforts from him. Think about counseling. Hopefully, with support from an outside source, you will find that counseling can be an effective way to strengthen and deepen your relationship. Take care and I wish you both the best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008):

Hello there. Crazy but therepeutic idea:

Get a big piece of paper and coloured markers. Write down the words you feel about him in the middle, draw pictures, link things up, maybe write what you want him to do to make this up to you. Draw a picture of how you feel about yourself now, draw a picture of how you felt about yourself before this happened. Don't try to be Michelangelo, just get it off your chest. You could either show him the drawing and talk him through, or put your thoughts into a letter then. It may help you really explore the depths of what must feel like a huge betrayal and sense of shame and pain. If it were me, the picture of me before would be a happy woman jumping over daisies in the sun with my little boy and partner beside me. The after picture would probably be me naked, having been boiled, with my skin off, lying on a bed of thistles, looking very ugly and not good enough and an audience laughing at me. My son would be crying next to me and there would be a picture of my partner half in and half out of an open door, looking backwards. Yes it has happened to me, but I am fine now although not with the arse that did it in the first place! Look after yourself, he is the one who has to do the work. It is enough work for you to try and stay beside him you dont need to do more than look after number one, you.

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A female reader, sexi South Africa +, writes (7 May 2008):

sexi agony auntHi

It is a good idea to write a letter. Somethings are better read then said. I have just written a letter to my bf (even though we see each ither everyday and things are fine there are somethings that one just cant say face to face). You should start by telling him that you are extremely hurt by his unfaithfulness ann how he has scared you probably for life. Something like this is not easy to get over.Let me know that you donot trust him and it would take sometime for you to but that would have to be with the help of him. He needs to help you to rebuild that trust in him (His attitude and behaviour should show you that he is sorry for what he has done, You should also let him know that you are not prepared to go through this again. If this happens again you wouldnt be able to take and you would just have to go your seperate ways. In the end you should let tell him that you love him and are prepared to give it one more try.

This would be hard for you to get iver but with time you woudl just hang in there and if you need professional help get it!

Regards, mail me if you wanna chat anytime! Hope this has helped you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008):

The best thing to do is to write a letter, but don't reveal your weakness too much, because this may enable him to hurt you even more -- I'm not saying that he's a bad person, just don't let him know too much of your weakness.

Tell him honestly and hopefully he will understand and stay

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