A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm saving up for an apartment with my boyfriend and maintaining my own well, but my boyfriend has been slacking. He's worked longer than I have and saved close to none. Part of it, is that he helps his mother pay for groceries and whatnot. I'm fortunate enough not to help my parents because my siblings are already doing so. I would really like to move but my own income is not high enough. We are already in our twenties. Right now it is also difficult for me to get a higher paying job. How should we go about saving? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2020): OP here - Thank you for all your advice. I have decided to not rush into moving just yet. I have quite a big amount of savings and I want to increase it first and layout a budgeting plan.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2020): Before you decide to live with someone you decide if the someone is suitable! If they are lazy, bad with money, have different priorities etc then they are not suitable. You either get your own place or stay at home - for now.Your boyfriend would be a dead weight. He would be letting you keep him, if he had more respect for himself and for you he would be trying harder.Even if he moved in with you he would continue to give money to his mother, this would then mean you are giving your money to him! In a way that is the same as you giving your money to his mother. Your money is disappearing into their pockets.Why does he give money to his mother? Is she old and frail? Or can she not get a job herself.I remember years ago when someone I know had less money coming in and expected everyone to give her money, she often expected people to work harder or go without to do it. Yet she lived in an enormous house and could easilyhave rented out rooms to some tenants. When I suggested it to her she said oh no, horrid idea, would hate to have someone live here etc. Easy to say if you have other people working long hours and handing their wages over to you. But it is what she should have done instead of expecting others to go without.What is your boyfriend's mother doing to help herself with finances? Your boyfriend might be giving her money because he is a caring son, or because he just does as is expected of him, it does not mean it is right.Your boyfriend benefits by giving her money, he lives there - many would just say it is paying her rent. And usually when kids give their mothers rent it is a tiny amount that nowhere near covers what they get in return.But you get no benefit out of it at all, so why get involved?The most sensible thing you could do is to get your own place, put it in your name, and then rent out a room. He could maybe be a lodger in your place, but he would have to sign a legal agreement that he pays so much a week etc, and no special favours because you are weak and let him take advantage. If he cannot afford that then you let the room to another person who can and just date him and see him, but your relationship would be living on borrowed time because you need a more mature boyfriend who is better with money and fairer and hopefully you will see this for yourself soon.You should not have to train him in how to be cautious about the future, or to save, if you have to teach him all of these things you are wasting your time, you will never achieve it and it is so much easier to find someone who is like that already for sure.One of the mistakes you are making is to consider some sort of business/financial arrangement with someone who is crap with money and not at all far sighted or responsible. It does not work. You would be the loser if you went ahead with it.Then you need to look at how much money he is giving to her. If he is giving her a lot then why so much?Surely if she is not working and struggling she gets benefits and should not need so much help from him too.In my experience when someone says something like they cannot save up and contribute because they give their money to their mum you will find they give her very little, it is just an excuse. They have no idea about money whatsoever. They could do both.Then there is the fact that if you do not have much money you cut down on luxuries, you forget about evenings out, new clothes, having lots of hairdos, make up, cars,alcohol and all the rest. You cannot have it both ways. I guarantee you that your boyfriend is telling you that he cannot save and contribute but is still spending on luxuries. I guarantee you that he is not thinking of ways to earn more money. That is what he would be doing if he really wanted this. But he sees that you earn a reasonable amount and you are saving so he sits back and leaves it all to you, knowing that you will be doing it for both of you. How is that right or fair?I had to leave home at sixteen, I did not have a penny to my name, nor any support or help of any sort. Nor an education. But by the time I was twenty eight I had two million pounds in the bank, property, investments, a very successful business. And of course various men would come along and tell me they loved me and wanted to be with me. Really? They all wanted to move into my lovely big house and be kept by me.Your finances are a lot less than mine but this is exactly the scenario you will be entering into with your boyfriend if you continue with this silly idea.Work hard to keep yourself but not to keep lazy or selfish people who hang onto you. If they cannot match your earning ability, attitude and contribution then you say no to them. If you let them use you they do not think more of you, quite the opposite. They see you as a walking credit card.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2020): Your first consideration before making such a big decision is looking at feasibility and financial sustainability. Once you're in, how do you maintain? How will the finances shake-out in the long-run? What emergency resources do you have? You have two immediate obstacles. You can't afford to move; and you know for a fact your boyfriend isn't prepared to either.
Financially, you are struggling in your present situation; but you are at least keeping your head above water. Commonsense alone says moving is not a reasonable choice right-now; and you'd both be homeless in a matter of months. Reliant on unreliable-incomes at best!
The economy and job market at the moment are too unstable to even leave a job paying you at minimum-wage; but as long as that job holds-out, you have an income. You have a roof over your head and food to eat; it might be romantic to fantasize about struggling-along together, but reality will set-in. You'll both end-up moving back-in with your parents; with past due bills that have to be caught-up. Including an ex-landlord looking for their back-rent. They will keep your deposit, and might sue you in small claims court for unpaid rent. You might find yourself on unemployment any day; so look at your current situation before you go treading into uncertain territory. Only to place yourself under even bigger financial woes!
If you reread your own post, you told yourself all the reasons you're not ready.
You didn't even need our advice! You have to use logic and your commonsense. Your heart and emotions will lead you to make foolish moves; and may make you choose the wrong person. He sounds immature and unprepared. This undertaking seems more your idea; and he doesn't seem as committed to it, or in much of a hurry. You can't afford to assume most of the financial responsibility; and then wait and see what comes of things later on. Best you make sure he's the right-guy to begin with; and learn to make decisions with foresight and sound judgement.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 September 2020):
 I would not be looking for a place EITHER of you can't afford solo. Why? Because stuff happens.
Which means, you need to be looking for a place that YOU can afford on your own.
If he can't save up to move out because he helps out his mom, WHAT do you think will happen when you live together? you will be LEFT with the "bag". That being the rent, the food, utilities... Do you not think that his mom will STILL need him to help out financially even if he moves out?
I would NOT move in with him if he can't afford to save up now. Because nothing will change that. It can be WAY more expensive to live out on your own, even for him. Or especially for him. If he would have to pay HALF the living costs with you AND help out his mom too. As things are.... HE can't afford that right now.
So I say keep saving up. And don't move in until HE can afford 50% of everything + plus whatever HE needs. At least. Same for you.
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (25 September 2020):
 Getting a house, or flat/apartment is a really huge step, whether renting or getting a mortgage, its one of the biggest steps we make in our lives.
I think if you are doing it with a partner, you go in to it evenly, and spit the mortgage/bills down the middle, and hopefully after the bills have been paid there is enough left over for leisure.
It can however become a strain if one person is better with money than the other, with one person ending up putting more towards the bills than the other, resentment can quickly set in.
As this is such a big venture think long and hard before you make the leap. I think your boyfriend has got to manage his money better. Yes its commendable that he helps his mother with grocery's, but he is also a young man looking to save up and flee the nest soon.
There are lots of way's you could go about saving. On top of the job you have is there any time for another small job on the side, at evenings, or weekends to bring in some extra money?.
Look at your current expenditure's, is there anything you can cut back on, or cancel?.
Maybe sacrifice a few nights out here and there. Or instead of having that takeaway, cook instead. You will be surprised how quickly it all mounts up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2020): Are you sure he wants to move in with you? Because if he was then he should be saving as hard as you. Anyway moving in together is a big step and intails a lot of things to get used to and and a lot of compromising to do. As to your question how should you go about saving. The answer is simple . Cut down all your unnecessary spendings for example you fancy a new dress in a shop window see the price tag. Don't buy it but save the amount of the price tag in a piggy bank.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2020): First of all you need to both sit down and look at your expenses. Ok he's helping out his mother. That's something he cannot just stop doing. Is there anything else you can do without?I don't know what your lives are like, but some people think that they are already tightening their belts when n reality they're not. If you're really into savings you need to watch your electricity consumption. I take care not to over-charge my phone, laptop... Here where I live, it's cheaper to use electricity at night, so that is when I do my washing and sometimes even cooking. Going out, eating out, drinking out, ordering out is not on the list of things to do, when you want to save. And if your friends are really your friends, they will understand. You can visit each other, you don't have to go out. Same goes for gits. When you want to save, you have to get creative and make gifts and not buy them.We don't some or drink so that's a big saver.I don't use make-up. I just don't, not because I wanted to save, but my friends tell me that they spend a lot of money on make up. Same goes for cosmetics. Instead of buying creams and balms, you can make them for next to nothing using coconut and olive oil. Google it. You can make your own shampoos, washing detergents... It really saves money and in the long run it is healthier. However, it will take time at first. Cooking is a big deal. Some people don't cook and order out or buy prepared meals. You will have to invest more time and energy into this. Instead of buying cereals, buy oats and cook them. It's cheaper. That sort of thing.But make no mistake, it is really hard to not spend money on food and eat healthy. The cheapest way to go is cook your own pasta sauce from tomato cans and buy pasta. But as I said not healthy in the long run.What you can do find which stores offer the best prices and buy cheapest vegetables and fruit there.We paid a lot of money for clothes (even if we just bought what we needed on sale) until we discovered great second hand stores. We haven't looked back since. We buy everything there. Even shoes. My husband buys his suits there too. Again it also takes time. You buy when you find things not when you really need them. Vacations and travelling is out of the question, unless you can save up on gas and stay with someone without paying.I know it sounds pretty bleak. But it's not. It's about what you value. Do you really need to change your phone and go out? Instead of buying books, go to the library. There are many things you can find on the Internet for fun. But, you both, your bf and you need to be on the same page and be committed. If not the one who's doing more will become resentful. You need to share everything, the chores and the expenses. It's hard but it is possible, and you have to be REAL partners. This kind of life will test your relationship for sure. By living this way at the beginning (later on we started loosening our belts) we managed to save enough to buy and apartment and a house in the country. Here where we live the apartment was 10x more expensive than the house and we still buy our clothes in second hand shops. It's now about recycling not a necessity. We travel but we do not overspend. It's a question of principle not being stingy. If you are already doing ALL this, maybe unfortunately you and your BF will have to wait a little longer before moving in.
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