A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I want to move in together and he doesn't. My boyfriend and i have been together for about a year and 7 months. This is my first serious relationship. We both live in the same city but in different apartments. I spend about 3 quarters of my time at his house and he barely stays at mine as it is mostly more convenient to stay at his. So stay at mine on our 'off nights' While i realise this is probably natural as his place is bigger and closer to public transport, i can't help feeling that i am living out of a bag and constantly carting my stuff between my place and his for the last year and a half. We have had arguments over him not spending a lot of time at mine and his reasoning is always fair enough. I have mentioned the thought of us moving in together but he strongly went against it. I am starting to feel insecure about the relationship as surely after 1 1/2 years of packing a napover bag i would feel like some stability. There is a possibility of him working abroad next year asof January for 8 months and I would really like us to try living together before he might leave as more of a commitment to our possible long distance relationship. How do i approach this subject with him reasonably withought seeming insecure and like i want to steal his independance? Also thinking about the situation has made me feel really down about us, so i don't want start crying and making it even worse. Are men usually this wary of moving in together? or does he have reservations about us? I am seeing him tonight and want to talk about it... thanks for any advice.
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female
reader, TaylorChu  +, writes (30 August 2007):
 Maybe he doesnt want to wake up next to you every morning and know that you are not his wife. If he doesnt want to have you move in then you will have to deal with that. Don't try to make him see how beneficial it will be. It seems more that you want to do it for your sake but have you seen it from his point of view? Maybe he doesnt want to share his space. Maybe he doesnt want to have the added responsibility of looking out for you and buying more food and materials. Maybe, he was raised better than that to live with a woman who isnt is wife. Do the long distance relationship run. It isnt going to hurt you. It will strengthen you or cause you to see that you can't handle long distance relationships. Other than that, dont try to make a person do something they are not interested in. it will never come out satisfactory.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (29 August 2007):
 You simply ask him. The next time your unpacking your things say, "Tell me something.....what is it about living together that scares you (turns you off, freaks you out, you fill in the blanks)....?" You'll never know until you simply ask. Personally I don't think he's completely sure about the relationship so this is his way of setting boundaries and taking it slow. Maybe he'll have another answer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has to work abroad next year as part of his work contract, he has applied to stay in the uk and will only find out the decision if he can stay in January as they will know if they have enough people for him to stay. (he is an accountant on Secondment) we have spoken about the long distance thing as I was wary of getting into a relationship with someone who may be leaving (especially as it is my first relationship) He was the one assuring me that we will do the long distance and visit back and forth during the 8 months. His current lease ends in October and mind in November so this seemed the perfect opportunity in my mind for us to experience living together. When I mentioned this he just said no... I'm not ready to move in together. I just find this really strange as we spend most of our time together and he will pick me up from my house to stay at his. So either he is unsure of the relationship (fuelling my insecurity) or he is just comfortable with his own space and me making all the effort with staying between his and mine... How do I ask him?
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (29 August 2007):
No, quite the opposite. Alot of them are pushing for us to move in before we're ready. You didn't mention what reasons your b/f gave you for NOT wanting the two of you to live together, so it's hard to figure out what's up. If he's considering working abroad next year, it's possible he doesn't want this to be a serious relationship. The two of you may not be on the same page there. Maybe he has hang-ups about couples who move in before marriage. Does he have old-fashioned values? Only he can give you the answer and I suggest you ask him why. But whatever the reason or excuse, you'll have to abide by it for now. Maybe he'll change his mind after he gets used to the idea. Good luck.
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