A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years and he wants us to get married soon. However, though I do love him a lot, I don't want to marry him. I feel tremendously guilty about not wanting to marry him (it's not as if I am against marriage) but something in me tells me I'll regret marrying him. It's a sort of sixth sense. We have major cultural differences and many habits of his drive me crazy. I have noticed that he lies needlessly, about petty things that don't even matter. It's just that it's very easy for him to lie. This makes me very uncomfortable. He says it's harmless, which it might be, but it bothers me anyway. It also bothers me that he doesn't have a proper career, though he's almost 37 now. I earn nearly 3-4 times as much as he does and I know that marrying him would mean supporting him when he's in between jobs. I don't mind financially supporting a partner but I don't know why I don't want him to depend on me. I'm behaving unlike myself lately. I have noticed that I develop a very nagging attitude when he's around and everything he does puts me off or irritates me. We're both loyal to each other and want to be together, the sex is awesome...but I see myself backing off when it comes to marriage. I somehow imagine a life of monotonous drudgery as his wife. I tend to imagine that I shall have to mother him throughout his life since he has very little practical sense. He also tends to exaggerate things and has dramatic tendencies. I also find myself feeling sorry for him because he has had a hard life and has no parents. I know I sound like a total bitch but I want to know what's happening to me and why I don't want to marry him. Any insights would be appreciated. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): Trust your instincts. A man who lies, and who doesn't have a proper career at his age, is not mature yet. This is probably why you get that feeling you will have to mother him, because you don't see him as a "man"... an equal partner who will contribute, you see him as boy you will have to take care of. Great sex is completely different than a great, mature, healthy relationship. Sex is instinctual. You can have great sex with anyone you have great chemistry with.
Commitment requires maturity. Lies speak to bad boundaries. That person doesn't have the courage and the strength to simply tell the truth, so they choose the easy way out and lie. It makes sense why you don't want to marry this man. Trust your instincts and find someone who can be a true partner to you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): If you dont want to get married, you shouldnt. Its the single biggest decision you will ever make in your life in determining your happiness. No one else is going to live with this guy for the rest of your life - you are. If you have problems, no one else is going to solve them for you. If you are miserable in 10 years, no one is going to step in and make you happy.
This is entirely your decision - 100%. You need to be completely comfortable, or you need to move on.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (16 August 2012):
 First off, no, you do not sound like a total bitch. You sound like an intelligent woman who is taking he time to think things through before making a big decision. You don't want to marry him because you're in doubt and you're looking at this situation logically. Marriage entails a lot more than just loving someone forever. Marriage is a partnership, a bond of friendship and it is not o be taken lightly. If red flags are just flashing now- can you imagine actually being married? After marriage, a couple tend to reveal more and more of their true natures...Don't marry him because you feel sorry for him. Don't feel pressured into it. Take some time out and think it further through. If you truly think that there's a chance he might change, you can simply have an extended engagement where you give it two years (or whatever time) to see if he becomes marriage ready and if it doesn't work out, break it off. Better to end an engagement than a marriage. But honestly, from what you're describing, my sixth sense is telling me that this just may not be The One. Then again, I could be wrong :) Just don't feel bad, hon. It's obvious you care for him and don't want to hurt him, but remember to love yourself first. Always. Your happiness counts too! And if there's a voice telling you that you'd be compromising your joy for this man in a marriage, listen to it.
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