A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, im stuck in a realy big muddle. ive been seeing this girl for 4 1/2 years and we live together. she moved away from her home town and settled 130 miles away with me and got a good job which she loves. i work away lots of the time so dont get to see her every day. any way the problem is that we are moving home to a bigger more expensive house and have agreed to sell this one but im now getting cold feet about the whole situation and think i dont want to actually be with her. HELP ive tried to end it before but i cant do it as i dont want to be mean in making her have to go back and live with her mum and quit a job she loves doing. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (3 January 2008):
 Why does she have to quit her job? Isn't it possible she could get a place around there on her own?
I know exactly what you are feeling though, since I had a guy moving very far, abroad even, to live with me once. After a while it didn't feel as such a good idea anymore and I had major feelings of guilt. Today he is still living here and has met another girl.
So there is another possible scenario to this and you might be surprised. And even if she would have to leave after all, I'm sure that in the end she (as well as you) will appreciate you being honest with her about your feelings. What other option is there really, than to be totally honest and upright about your feelings here? Don't be a coward :).
Wish you luck, tell us how it goes!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): Breaking up is never easy. But its best to do it, rather than carry on hurting yourself and prolonging the pain for someone else. She will undoubtly be hurt at first, but from personal experience, she will get over it. Pain heals with time.
If I were your girlfriend, Id rather know how you feel. She may not leave her job, she may decide to rent a flat and stay working rather than moving home.
Whatever you decide to do, just do it in the nicest and calmest possible way. Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): So if you don't end it..what's going to be the result of all this? Stop lugging around this guilt. This is life. Don't waste her time, her energies, her life another minute, hun. Relationships all over the globe break up every day...this is the risk of getting into a relationship. She is an adult and she knows the risks involved and the consequences. You have to be honest and come clean. Don't get into lots of blame-finding. There is always fault on both sides in a relationship that fails. Just be kind to yourself and be kind to your gf. Extending compassion to your girlfriend will help you both immensely in the healing process. Remember that you are both wonderfully human, and doing the best you can to navigate through your lives. And some relationships just don't make it...plain and simple.
All of us have been there and we know how painful break-ups can be, so when it's us doing the dumping. So before you commit yourself to a larger home with her, which means more financial, a larger/longer life committment and a huge legal responsibility, it's definitely in both of your best interests to end this cleanly and asap. If you don't, it will come back on you eventually and it will create pain and havoc in your future. There is no easy way to break up with a loved one..just remember to be kind.. and use compassion. The sooner you do it...the sooner she can heal from this and move on with her life.
And, please remember...A relationship really needs two fully committed people, so if one of you doesn't want to be in the relationship any more, it's best for BOTH of you to end it. And again, breaking up isn't about finding fault. It's about you both being able to find "closure" to this relationship so you are able to then move on to a new life path and the possibilities that will come for both of you. That's the key message to get across. Good luck to you both and I wish you both well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): I had the same thing happen to me a last April. My boyfriend of 2 years left everything to move 900 miles away with me for a new job. After moving intogether it just didn't seem right. I knew I didn't want to marry him so I had to break it off.
I think you want to break it off because it doesn't seem "right" to you. Even though this will be hard, it is the best thing you can do. If you had strong feelings for soemeone and they didn't have them back wouldn't you want to know?
It will be hard but it isn't fair to string someone along. After ending the realtionship with my ex is was horrible and I felt so guilty. Now, I have met a man that I completely love and it just feels right. The longer you hold on to someone you don't love, the longer it will be to find the person that is right for you.
Since she likes her job so much can't you break it off and she lives on her own in the same town?
I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, mama2three  +, writes (3 January 2008):
 She's a big girl, you're a big boy...just be honest! It's certainly not helping the relationship if you don't even want to be in it anymore!
You know, she may not even leave...maybe she'll stay in the area. I don't know how long ago she moved, but I would imagine that she has made a nice life for herself there? Sure, she might be upset (who wouldn't) but it's probably the best for both of you.
As for you, you need to find out if you really ARE done with the relationship! But a relationship is never good if you're just with someone because of pity. She'll be fine, you'll be fine, you just need to be honest.
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