A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I still get very confused sometimes about friendships. If anyone can help with this I'd appreciate it.I've all but finished at a college that is known for being of a very high standard intellectually but also can be a minefield, with people behaving strategically because they are highly ambitious. In my time there I've made one friend that I trust completely and who is now a longstanding friend whilst others have come and gone.In this college I've found that, because I am bright and kind, people latch onto me because they want either a. help with their work b. to be associated with me because I have an excellent reputation in terms of my brain. I feel very confident intellectually BUT I am useless when it comes to the politics of friendships and have been extremely hurt in the past - honestly I've been used by people so much that I'm very wary now. I had low self esteem for years and it made me give and give to people, and this caused loads of problems for me. I hate to say this, but I've been especially generous with my time towards international students who don't have English as a first language - only to be hurt because, as soon as they finish the programme, I have been dropped and they move on because they've got their qualification and go back home.One woman falls into this category I think. She latched onto me very early on when she started - I am several years above her - and when I was at a complete low point in my life due to breaking up with my long term partner. Unfortunately, because I was so lost on a personal level at that time, she now knows a lot of my secrets and personal information. She was nearly thrown off the programme because she is extremely limited intellectually and also very lazy. When she began she begged - literally - begged me to help her by tutoring her. I work in top colleges tutoring students and I did not need the work at all. At first she wanted me to do this work very cheaply - literally at about half of my normal rate of pay. Even though I did not want the work at all, I still found it insulting that she expected me to work for so little money - she is from an extremely wealthy family. When I told her I was not interested at all, she pleaded with me and said she would pay more. I did not want the work, or the money, but neither was I prepared to do it for free. I barely knew her at this stage but I felt sorry for her, she was completely alone and seemed to be having a really hard time. But she also seemed very sweet in many ways. I very reluctantly agreed to do this work - it was incredibly stressful as her work was so bad and she was completely disorganised. Several times over the next year I stated very clearly that I really did not want to continue with this arrangement, that I did not like the situation at all, and each time she would cry and beg me to continue, otherwise she would be thrown out of the college.After about a year I simply refused point blank, to continue. We had become friends but at the same time she was always asking me for any ideas or thoughts about her work, when we were out socialising, and it really started to annoy me. However, she was loyal as a friend and was often a great source of comfort for me - I was really in a mess about my ex and, to be honest, about my life generally. I was also struggling socially at this particular college. So we became friends.The other thing is that she is incredibly negative about so many people at college. I simply choose, now, not to get involved with them much, but I will occasionally join in or invite people over to mine - it's just to be sociable but minimally so. I was, however, becoming friends with a small group of women but then my friend said that they had been very nasty to her when she started - excluding her and really behaving very rudely towards her, so I backed off because I realised she was becoming upset. Months later, she said something to me in passing that made me suspicious - something to the effect that she did not want these women to think that I had withdrawn my friendship because of any influence from her. I found this upsetting because I had withdrawn from being their friend purely because of what she had told me about their behaviour - I had trusted her version of things and was concerned that she was becoming upset. But it seemed that, whilst she was okay with me possibly being seen as 'difficult' or 'odd' by them because I withdrew, she did not want this to seem to be any reflection on her.The other thing is that she will speak very negatively about people behind their back but still take part in anything they invite her to. Recently I had invited a couple of them to my place and about a month later one of them had a party to which I was NOT invited - this was very hurtful, and so obviously intended as a snub, but my friend was invited and she did go, even though she knew this person had deliberately snubbed me. And now she continues to be friends with this person.And another time she spoke about me behind my back to a mutual friend. The mutual friend was concerned that there had been a misunderstanding between us and so told me what my friend had said. I promised not to let my friend know that I knew she had spoken about me behind my back, but I was hurt by what she had said - not nasty, exactly, but almost casting suspicion on me. The thing is though that she is so sweet and caring at other times, so I end up feeling close to her. At the same time, I know that she LOVES being seen with me because it looks good for her to be associated with me in college. At first I really didn't care about this at all. Now I feel used. Every time I see her now I feel like I am entered into some teenage, high school, gossipy situation that I really don't want. But I was foolish enough to tell her lots of very private information about myself and past relationships and friendships. I want to distance myself but I know that she will cling on for dear life. I'm not sure I trust her entirely. I do absolutely believe that she knows how to manipulate people and that she has manipulated me in order to gain a foothold socially at college and to get as much help - paid or not - with her work. I still have to see her in college, in small group settings, until I leave but, if she doesn't get kicked out, she has several years to go. I really don't think she will be allowed to stay though. I guess, people see us as very close friends although they have been a bit baffled as to why, because we are so intellectually mismatched. Is there any way I can distance myself from this person and limit any potential damage to her and to me? I don't want to hurt her, but I know from experience she really will cling on for dear life. I just want to move on with my life and am starting to be very happy in myself, but feel very down after seeing her - or just somehow as if I am being very cleverly manipulated. I don't have a huge amount of friends, so it doesn't make it easy to leave this friendship behind. I've tried to talk to her about my concerns but she just doesn't 'get' why I feel uneasy with her behaviour, so I've given up trying to level with her.
View related questions:
ambition, cheap, money, move on, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Negligentmother +, writes (19 January 2014):
 I detest people that can shamelessly manipulate or take advantage of another person's good nature so for that reason, I really don't think you need worry too much about finding the right way to let her down gently and spare her feelings at all actually because she sounds awful. Sadly, many of our fellow females tend to behave in the same way (the gossip and being two-faced / manipulating people and situations for their own gain) and what's worse is that they’re allowed to get away with it far too often and for too long so it goes on and on and on.You sound like a really nice, genuine person and when I read your question, it felt like I was reading about my son because of the similarities (he has Asperger Syndrome and is incredibly, almost absurdly intelligent actually but lacking in the social skill department which in turn really affects his self-esteem) I'm glad you have some other friends at college – even if only a few because that doesn't leave you entirely dependent on this one person. Plus, it shows that despite the social awkwardness, you’re well-liked and considered worth getting to know.The same can't be said about this girl I'm afraid. Although you say she can be sweet and caring at times, it's just part and parcel of her manipulation and I doubt there's an ounce of sincerity. Trust me. She's not a nice, sweet and caring person at all. She's an unpleasant bitch and someone you just do not need. You've already tried talking to her about your concerns and she still doesn't “get it” so maybe the only thing is left IS for you to be brutally honest.What I'd suggest is that you write / email her and make clear how you feel about her behaviour, indiscretion, negativity and explain that being her friend is far too much hard work so you'd rather distance yourself. I'd be keen to say that regardless of whether she “gets it” or not – you don't want or need the hassle of a high maintenance friendship like this anymore. If she starts clinging on for dear life, she'll draw attention herself having taken a step nearer towards “harassment” territory. If she gets upset or offended – tough. That's not your problem. If she gets kicked off the course – tough. That's not your problem either.You really do sound like a nice person and I know it's easy for me to say these things because I'm a hard-faced cow and whatnot but I do hope you cut her off in one swift, clean hit.
|
