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female
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anonymous
writes: How cnn you convince someone that you are right for each other long term? My boyfriend is having a crisis that we cant make each other happy if we stay together and get married, etc. He doesnt feel the way he used to - that we were definitely going to be together long term. I think he is wrong and he is just expecting our relationship to be a fairytale which it cant ever be. How do I behave? I want us to have a future so much! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, TornUp +, writes (30 November 2006):
That's too funny...I am in the EXACT same situation as you, only I'm in the position of your boyfriend. I feel that way about my boyfriend, that I can no longer see the future, things have changed, etc. Try making him realize that there are different stages of love...he just moved on past the infatuation stage. Oftentimes at the end of infatuation, people mistake that for the end of the entire RELATIONSHIP! People (like me, and from what it sounds like, your boyfriend as well) literally get addicted to the "in love" feeling, as if it were heroin or something. Infatuation affects the same areas of the brain as do those addictive drugs (scientific fact, I looked it up!). Try to get him to sit down and really think about what it would be like to lose you. Bet it won't make him very happy. But also, don't push yourself on him. He may start to resent you. If you two are truly right for each other, and he is a good guy WORTH holding on to (make sure he treats you right!) you and he will be willing to work through it, and hold on through this rough patch. Just be there for him as much as he needs you too. I read a book called "The Truth About Love: The Highs, The Lows, and How You Can Make it Last Forever"...it really helped explain a lot of the feelings I have been having towards my bf, which sound a LOT like the feelings your bf is having for you. Kinda the whole "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you". Give the book a try, read it together...maybe he IS just living in a fairytale world like me, expecting love to be hearts and bubbles and butterflies...but I'm coming to realize that it cannot be that way for very long. It's going to take a LOT of time (it has been for me) but slowly he may come to realize that a real relationship is NOT the infatuation (that's called ADDICTION) and that what lies underneath all the butterflies (the comfort, the trust, the respect) is what truly makes a strong relationship. I hope this helped. Just be patient and understanding. Don't force him to make a decision, because chances are if my boyfriend had forced ME to make a decision on the spot, I would have made the WRONG one...
I really hope this helped you, I KNOW it's a realllllly awful situation to be in. If you want to talk, i can try my best to answer any questions that you might have. Or I can relay the question to my bf. He's an absolute saint to be sticking with me through all of this...good luck, I hope with all of my heart that you two keep the relationship strong.
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