A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm feeling really upset and low; I'm trying not to dwell but I just feel awful right now. I don't have anyone that I can socialize with due to my unfortunate past. However, I realized I need to start putting myself out their and going after things I want in my life so I took action.I asked a women I know well and talk to regular if she would like to go up town on a night out in the near future. She said on a message back, "I'm not sure, I need to tell you face to face". A second later she sent another message saying "to decide".I don't buy it, I know from a lifetime of bad past experiences that it's bullshit!,period. I just know it. With anything in my life I keep an open mind for all possibilities but there are other times when you just know in your own mind it's bullshit.Even still to this day people think I'm too nice and that it's ok, they don't have to put themselves out for me. If they want to meet up and go some were then they know I will. I'm really fedup, I tried so hard to be less generous and not a door mat but even after all the changes I've been few people still see me as to nice. Please help me Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Justinara +, writes (11 June 2012):
Are you implying that your problem with people is that you are too nice? Listen, people can smell desperation from far away. Its how life works. When you want something it eludes you. So this is what I do, I will be nice to people if I choose to, not because I want them to like me. If you are nice to people, do not expect them to be nice to you. You think thats how it will work, but it does not. It seems to me that you need to make new friends. So this is what I suggest- join a volunteer group and make friends with them. Do not be eager to be friends. Just be a good friend when the time comes, but please do not go out of your way, unless they are in trouble, do not do it. Give people a chance to help themselves.- find activities that pushes you to work with others- develop passion for art, music, dance etc - change your image - get yourself a boyfriend - guys can make good friends too! - become spiritual- you have a lot of time in your hand, do something for yourself, develop new skills, read, exercise, better yourself - be a good friend to you Here is something you can do: whether you are religious or not, it does not matter, you can still be spiritual, pray to God, to angels etc to help you find good friends, believe it and let go of the outcome. you can do this simply by talking out, in your thoughts etc. Be creative and believe. Have a great journey to slef transformation
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): Maybe you're being oversensitive and seeing making the rejections into a bigger deal than they really are?for example it's common for friends (of different levels of closeness) to OFTEN invite each other out AND reject each other. in a way that's part of being friends - you can feel free to reject their invitation if you're busy or not interested in that particular event, and not feel afraid that this means they'll never invite you out again. It's only if someone repeatedly rejects your invitations over and over again, then it means they're not interested in being friends. but from just one or two rejections it's too soon to tell if this is the case."Even still to this day people think I'm too nice and that it's ok, they don't have to put themselves out for me. If they want to meet up and go some were then they know I will."If you expect people to 'put themselves out for you' and get upset and hurt if they don't, then you shouldn't be putting yourself out for them because that makes you feel bad. that doesn't mean you should be a hermit or be aloof. Just that maybe you should tone down the amount or extent of your giving to others if they're not reciprocating.If you had more self confidence, you wouldn't mind putting yourself out for people without getting anything in return. Now THAT is the definition of 'being nice' - when you give without expecting anything in return. but you're probably not there yet, you still have to build up more confidence. And that comes in baby steps and takes time, so don't be too hard on yourself and quick to evaluate your situation and declare yourself a failure. If you're giving and giving and getting upset that no one is reciprocating then for sure something is wrong. it could mean that you really shouldn't be giving this much if it leads you to have unrealistic expectations of other people. For example, let's say you offered to drive someone you hardly knew 300 miles because their car broke down, and you had to take time off work to do it. That would certainly be very 'nice' of you but if you now expect that person to do something of the same caliber back for you, now here's when you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. It would be unrealistic to expect someone to go the whole nine yards for you if you were not very close to them, no matter if you just did something that "big" for them. Because maybe they graciously accepted your favor thinking it was just that - a favor. Rather than an obligation that they reciprocate. You know what I mean?I guess what I"m saying is this. Being 'nice' is not a bad thing, if you're coming from an emotionally strong place where you don't mind not getting anything in return and if giving to others isn't taking a lot out of you. If it does take a lot out of you though, now there's a greater tendency for you to have a "you now owe me" attitude even if you don't say it out loud, and then you set yourself up for disappointment because not everyone is so inclined to give of themselves more than they're capable of, just because you did. you need to take care of your emotional health, that's all. Don't give too much IF you would get disappointed that the other person doesn't reciprocate. If the very act of giving makes you feel good even if you get nothing in return, then by all means keep on giving. If not, then don't and there's nothing wrong with that at all. If anything, by not giving so much so often, it means that for those times when you do, it's more sincere and with the right intentions.
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