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female
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*ecca42478
writes: I believed it was a very good relationship, but I wanted to him to propose and didn't feel he was sure enough to do so. I told him, I wasn't going to wait longer than 3 years and he promised me he would propose on our 3 year anniversary. This is my dilemma. After 3 years, no heartache or lies or broken promises, I trusted him to be faithful. Even all my friends thought he would never cheat and that he really loved me. Now, we are not so sure about the cheating part. Last week, I heard him on the phone when we were out at a local bar with our friends around 9:00. You know how guys have a different tone of voice when they are talking to a girl. Well, I thought, I could go see who that is or I could trust him. I mistakingly opted to trust him. We left the bar we were at and went to another bar and on the way he picked me a flower. I girl came up, stood beside him for a few, and then he turned to me and introduced me as his girlfriend. She look at me kind of guilty when I shook her hand, and went accross the bar to sit with other people. I caught her staring at me a couple times. On the way home, my boyfriend gets a phone call at 3am. I hear HEYYY!!! (Girls voice) He says "I'm sorry you have the wrong number" and hangs up. I took the phone and called back the number. I had enough intuition to know that was no wrong number! A girl answers the phone. I ask her who she is and why she's calling at 3AM. She says her name is Elaine and hangs up on me. I throw the phone and start walking home. On the walk, I call my boyfriend and ask who that was. He say is was a wrong number, come back, and we will call it together. I come back, we call it, and it was the girl from the bar that night (she had given a false name, her name was Emily) and she claimed she never called. That was a lie of course. I was too emotionally flooded to call her on it, and he backed her lie again. Later on I got the story that he gave her his phone number two years ago, just to hang out. She came up to him, when I wasn't around last week and said they should hang out sometime. He said "Give me a call." He says he didn't think she still had his number. We saw her again the next Friday and he promised next time he saw her he would tell her he loves me and sorry if she got the wrong idea, please don't call again. He didn't. He called her over saying to her he wanted to straighten things out and watched her lie to me again, saying she didn't call. It was like a painful re-enactment and he acted like he didn't get it. What? I tried? Until later when he saw I was serious. Then he begged and groveled for me to come back. Please offer this advice. Do you believe he intended on having sex with her? Do you believe I should walk away? If not, how should I treat him now? What does the fact that he wouldn't confront her mean? I was extemely happy about to get engaged and he had his fears, but thinks I am unreplacable. Do you think he may have been consciously or unconsciously trying to sabotage the engagement 3 days before it was supposed to happen? Please help. I am miserable and I can't eat. It's been 3 weeks, we aren't getting engaged now, because we are unhappy, thanks to him unusual behavior.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2007): i believe you should hang it out but show who is boss.
flirt and mess about with blokes nothing gets to a bloke more than that!
your story is exactly like mine only this girl lives a door away from him so its hard for me to even think about it..
but the one thing i can tell you is listen to your heart, not your head and not others, they dont know him like you do..
trust me, he will change if he is made to. i left my fella for a week and he was grovelling.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2006): no don't trust him at all i don't care how long you've been together if a girl comes up to him and she has his number he's either been flirting with her and gave her his number or slept with her and gave her his number. men don't give out their number unless theres a reason and do you really think they would be meeting up for anything else than sex. Wake up i know its harsh but men really don't think like we do. However horrible it is you just can't get engaged now. If your asking questions now about trusting him you obviously don't.
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A
female
reader, missdee +, writes (8 September 2005):
Not getting engaged now is the best thing you can do right now anyway. He is not ready for the big commitment or he wouldn't be doing what he is doing. There is more to, what your boyfriend has confessed to. I think when she walked up when he was buying you a flower the last thing she expected to hear was this is my girlfriend, she called him at 3 because she thought he would be alone by then, and when you called back she told you one name but after you left he called her and told her what to tell you and then got you to call back, trying to make you think you was just mistaken.
When he promised to tell her he loved you and instead just backed her lie, it was as if he was saying I am going to see this girl again so I need to tell her this instead of I'm in love with my girlfriend and not interested in anyone else. The fact he didn't makes it look like he planned on seeing her again.
He probably would have had sex with her, but you found out. You can work it out with him but only if he comes clean. A good relationship is based on trust and honesty and if you can't have that with him you need to move on. If after 3 years he isn't ready to commit I'm not sure if he will ever be. You need to just tell him how you feel and what you will put up with and won't put up with. If he can respect you feelings find someone that will.
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A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (7 September 2005):
I would advise you to make friends, he obviously thinks the world of you. You said he might have fears, well sometimes we can unconsciously create situations that will prevent us from having to do the thing we know we are afraid of. You have found no reason to not trust him before. Give him a break, nobody is perfect, tell him you love him, if he proposes accept, you know you want to, if he doesn't behave you can always call it off. But at least he knows you won't let much passed your nose without smelling it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2005): I think he loves you, the girl may have just been a friend, or maybe they used to date or she may even be a stalker, i really dont know. I think you should give him another chance, but say to him he must stay away from the girl and concerntrate on you, if you have been going out for 3 years why would he cheat on you? its obvious he really cares about you and doesnt want you to get hert. Hes proberbly nervous about the engagment. If the girl calls, you must make him say to her that he loves you and tell her to leave you both alone, i hope it all turns out for the best.
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