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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyf for a year. He's so sweet and loving and great most of the time (except when he gets mad). Everything was good until we discussed my past. I never had a boyf before. I had had a friends with benefits thing three years ago (i didn't know my boyf then) with a guy my bf was friends with (he didn't know my bf back then either). I lied to my bf about that past because he'd be hurt because he knew my ex friend. I finally told the truth. I also was with a few other guys, who my boyf knows but isn't friends with... he identifies them, but doesn't know them well. I randomly hooked up with two of them, after I met them at parties, just for the sake and fun of a hook up. Just kissing. But my boyf thinks I'm easy to seduce, and promiscuous and also because I lied he thinks I might cheat on him. When he gets mad over the subject, he says awful things (he's hurt). He was cheated on by two ex girlfriends; the first one cheated on him with his best friend, and the second one cheated on him with numerous guys. He was devastated both times. He says he loves more than he has ever loved anyone before, but that I've given him reason not to trust (because I lied), and that my past is also a reason not to trust me much (because I was "easy" according to him). He says he loves me anyway and that I have to be patient because given his background it's hard for him to grasp, but he says it's worth the effort for being with me. He says he migh eventually trust me blindly again.But how can I feel good? I feel like a bad person for lying and knowing my past hurts him... I don't feel like I'm easy, but I still feel bad that my past hurts him. However I don't wanna leave him... Maybe I'm selfish for not letting him go, but he doesn't wanna leave me either.Is there chance that he'll get over my past and stop being hurt by it, and that he trusts me again?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): I am going through a very very similar thing. In the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, I wanted to be honest with him by telling him that I did have a past. I have gone through the same thing by him tell me that I am "easy", "permiscuous", and I can't be trustworthy. It hurts alot because I hadn't done anything to him. At that point, I began to realize that letting him know details were too much for him so I began to lie about it. Of course I realized then that I had let him know too much because he was able to realize that I contradicted myself too much. Last night he broke up with me and I feel as if I have lost the love of my life. It's not just normal break up talk where i am can get get over him and be like screw this guy....aside from all the mistrust he had for me, he treated me like a queen. He lovingly fed me food like everyday, he'd spend all of his money on me when he was broke (he didnt tell me he was in financial problems so I didn't stop him). He took me on very planned and unique dates....he cared and loved me a great deal....as I did him. He tried his best to let go of my past, but it began to affect him daily. I'd say something just in normal conversation and he'd get reminded of the past...he would begin to assume and analize every single thing i told him. Mostly those assumtions stayed as negative things versus what i had intentionally meant to say them as(i.e. postive things). I feel pretty much helpless in this situatiion.
This break up for me is very difficult because I felt as if he was my soul mate. We shared so many common traits and personalities before we even met. We talked about marriage, children, etc. This is not easy for me.
I wish I could take everything back and he and I could be happy again. I wish he would let my past and those lies go.
A
female
reader, frizzylizzy  +, writes (13 August 2007):
 Hi
I am in a similiar situation with my boyfriend.. And I'll be honest with you, you've done nothing wrong.. Your past is your past and it is none of his business. Don't feel guilty just stand up to him. It's not like you did any of those things when you were with him so I don't see what the problem is. You obviously felt like you had to lie to him as he has his own trust issues.. There his issues not yours.. Good luck my friend your going to need it.. If you don't have trust.. You have nothing!!!
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A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (13 August 2007):
 Hi, My bf had a fling with this girl (about 2 years ago) and we have been together for 11 months.He and this girl smsed each other last month (apparently she ashed him if he reall loved me and he replied saying yes)Even though it was just as sms i have lost my trust for him and now i find it so hard to trust him! People are different.Some are able to forgive & forget quikly,other arent so ready. Just give your bf time and he would come around. Make sure that you reassure him that you have changed and are now a different person. You can also prove to him that you really love him and that you would not do what you have done again.Just give him time to deal with what you have told him.
Good luck and mail me if you wanna talk
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): If you take a look through our old questions you'll see this comes up so much.
Did you lie to your boyfriend to hurt him, or to protect him?
I'm not saying lying is right, but he needs to understand that you did it because you didn't want to hurt him, not because you wanted to deceive him. There is a big difference!
Plus, judging by his reaction, I can understand why you decided that it was best he didn't find out.
The bottom line is that your boyfriend has to deal with this because it is ultimately his problem, not yours.
Forgive yourself for not telling him. It was a mistake, but it does not make you a bad person, neither should it make you feel guilty now. You made certain life choices at certain points in your life and you shouldn't regret them now, just because someone new in your life doesn't agree with them.
Love is about forgiveness and compassion, it is not about using hurt against someone you supposedly care about and becoming abusive towards them. Your boyfriend has a right to feel hurt, but he also has a responsibility not to get mad at you.
Dating at your young age brings with it these kind of trust issues but your boyfriend is going to have to learn to deal with these uncomfortable feelings and get past them. It can be done.
You have nothing to feel bad about. All you can do now is show you love your boyfriend, be supportive and caring, but do not allow him to get mad at you, and don't let him make you think that you're easy or in any way cheap, because you're not. This is ultimately your boyfriends problem to get through, not yours. Take care and all the best with whatever you decide to do.
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