A
male
age
36-40,
*oamybob
writes:HiMy girlfriend and I have been together for 4 and 1/2 years now. We are each others first and onlysexual partner and its the first serious relationship either of us has ever had. We do not live together - we are still living at home with parents. We have both spoken about moving in together but I am having second thoughts. The reason being because I just dont know what to do - my mum thinks that my girlfriend manipulates me and is very controlling. Sometimes I have felt this way but as they say love is blind!Also perhaps more seriously I have begun to think that we have different feelings about each other - I thinkmy girlfriend loves me more that I love her. I know that sounds awful - let me explain a bit more. I feel that my girlfriend is very much dependant on others, including myself. I have found independence through going to university and living with other people - but my girlfriend has never left home, and, ever since she was born has been wrapped up in cotton wool and never had the chance to do anything for herself. Thus explaining why she is so dependent on others, especially me.We do get on well together but when push comes to shove its always me who has to bend over backwards to sort something out, either because she doesnt want to or cant for whatever reason.I think that us living together may make things worse and make me more unhappy. I want to be honest with her and I dont want to lead her on thinking that we will move in together, but at the sametime i don't want to upset her.Question is where does it go from here? With so much I want to do, I think my girlfriend will be such a hindrance, and as nasty as that sounds, I do love her, but should we break up? Do we move in and see how it goes?Thanks in advance for any advice.
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male
reader, confused!! +, writes (24 June 2007):
aww mate! i read this and your relationship is exactly like mine! weve bin tgether for 2 years not 4 1/2 though and theres no talk of living together, but i totally understand where your coming from.
is it like - she loves you so much that she only seems happy when she is with you? and you love her but feel you need space?
space that she sees as an insult or a display of you not caring about her as much as she cares about you.
you end up giving in to her demands a lot more than she does yours, but its hard to confront her about that because every time you bring it up, she somehow twists it (like women do) to make you feel guilty for saying anything, and you give in more easily because its hard to see her upset because you love her.
sound familiar? from the sounds of what you wrote, im in a very similar boat.
definitely dont move in with her. if you do feel the same as me, you might think it would be a good thing to do, maybe strengthen your relationship and make your doubts go away, but i think the feeling of her smothering you stems from wanting to know what your missing out on being off the market for o long and you will probably end up feeling more claustraphobic.
we wer/are each others' first and onlys too and so weve had a very intense relationship since we were both 16.
i have always thought it is naive to think a commitment can last forever when neither of you have any experience of 'tasting the different waters' as it were, especially since we were so young aswell.
im now in the horrible position of knowing that our relationship cannot go on with me feeling so claustraphobic
and that i have to be honest with her but it will be out of the blue because she thinks everything is great.
i know it will crush her and i cant bare the thought of causing her that pain, but i ahve to be true to myself and look to the future.
let me know what you decide to do because i know i could do with someone who understands my situation as well as you seem to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2007): If the two of you are ready to live together, why don't you make the commitment and get married...if you are not ready to do that, living together will not work out....she could always get an apartment in the new city and live near you....Have you worked out whose career will come first, does she want to have a skill or work, or will she be dependent on you for her every happiness and fulfillment? Beware of that, it is a heavy burden to bear.
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A
male
reader, foamybob +, writes (21 June 2007):
foamybob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
Thanks for the responses so far. They have been very helpful.
One thing I will say is that if I really wanted to move in with her and settle then I guess I wouldn't be having second thoughts about the whole idea.
I am 22 and 2 years older than my girlfriend, and I think the difference in maturity is down to our life experiences. My girlfriend has never left home or had the independence I have now - and whilst I do love her very much I am so torn between where our relationship should go next.
I just think that if I don't move in with her, I'd miss her too much. I am currently looking for work where I could be based anywhere in the country - being a long distance away wouldn't work for us so she'd have to come live me or we break up...
I still dont know what is best!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2007): Clearly I don't think you should move in together. I am not a proponent of living together arrangements...studies show that living together before marriage, causes a higher rate of divorce if the relationship moves to marriage, there is something about living together that sets this stage, partly due to the self selection of the participants and their maturity level.
You sound more mature than your girlfriend at this stage of your life quite frankly, she is wanting to play house and get the pretend marriage that you are not giving her in real life, she thinks she is easing you into a larger commitment, but she is sadly mistaken, you will lose respect for her settling like this, and she will lose her identity and some or most of her personal power in the relationship...I speak from experience, I lived together with my boyfriend when I was 20 and I vowed never to do it again, but then I never married either, but still want to in the near future....I had things to do as well, I am a career woman or was at one time, I am nearing retirement now.
If this is your first relationship and sexual partner, it may very well not be your last....it seems to me that you may have outgrown this relationship and it is time to move on with your life....better to do this BEFORE living together as it is much harder to lose a lifestyle as well as a relationship. All the best to you.
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A
female
reader, Jenii  +, writes (21 June 2007):
 Dear foamybob,
With sincerity I wouldn't advise moving in with someone if it doesn't feel right and exciting to you. I understand why and how you wouldn't wish to hurt her but in the long run it would seem if you move in together you may end up hurting each other much more.
Just be honest, you both deserve it. It seems like you may not be able to experience or learn much more from each other, which is a main part of any relationship. You are too young to feel tied down.
The right relationship is one that shouldn't have these unfortunate situations. Hopefully a great friendship may come from this.
With Warm Wishes
Jenii
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