A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I broke up 5 days ago. He says he can't see us as the type to get married, but we are young and I think this is unimportant. I told him not to talk to me and that we couldn't be friends. But now I think I want to try to talk and work things out, because I think there's still hope. I know I screwed up our relationship by constantly starting fights, mostly because I was also unsure if we should still be together. But now I've changed my mind. Please give me advice! Should I wait a few weeks to contact him. Or should I text to let him know he can contact me? If we do get in contact what should I say? Thanks so much!
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male
reader, Viajante  +, writes (6 October 2010):
First thing: You better be damn sure you and a person don't work out together before breaking up.
Since this guy doesn't see himself marrying you (and if marriage is important for you) breaking up was probably the best thing to do.
From now on, NO CONTACT. This is the best way to heal. Anything else and you'll be lying to yourself. Stick it out, getting back to him will only increase your pain.
A
male
reader, plasmoid  +, writes (6 October 2010):
Short answer: You're going to need to gauge how your ex feels about you.
Long answer: You've been broken up for 5 days. That's not even a holiday. You haven't been apart long-enough to really come to terms with what that means. Right now, you miss him. It's not because you love him, it's because he represented a huge part of you and it's now gone. Even the worst relationships experience this to a degree. So missing him is normal. Give yourself some time to get a little perspective.
If you still want him back this is where it gets tricky. It depends how badly damaged the relationship is. You might have to start over from scratch or he might ask for time/space apart to consider his feelings. If he asks for time apart DO NOT ignore this. Rushing someone into a decision that has hurt them before will not help.
I would suggest you wait a week or two. Give some time to letting your emotions cool down a little. Then, send him an email or text message. Explain that the time apart has helped you realize what you want out of life and that you'd like to try things again. Maybe a coffee date or something similar to start with. You really need to play this cool and calm. Rushing forwards is bad. Acting like it's the same relationship you had before is bad. Remember, the last relationship ended badly, so take some time to think about relaying the foundation of a new relationship.
I recently read "The seven principles for making marriage work" by John Gottman. It was quite useful for me. It might be worth reading.
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A
male
reader, QdBrown +, writes (6 October 2010):
You really have to be careful with fighting and breaking up. Those kinds of activities tend to put people a drift. I think you need to first ask yourself do you miss him or the relationship? Why were you starting fights, were they important to you, or just feeling dramatic?
Best thing you can do is grow and learn from these relationships.
I kind of sounds like if you did get back together, things would be good for a few weeks, and whatever pattern triggered all this would start back up, and then you, him or both would be miserable again.
If you find that you go from happy to mad in patterns, it could be you or him that might be bipolar.
Good Luck.
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