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female
age
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anonymous
writes: I wonder,if anybody would have any practical advice to my situation... I live in a very troubled marriage. Its a long one, over 20 years. Lots of problems. I know its natural, and many marriages gets to the same point, when you wonder if its worth it or not, to go on..So I would love to go on , if I could, but I have so much anger and resentment toward my husband, that there isn't a day, when i don't think about leaving.. Its really terrible, as I know, really it is my fault partly. Because, its my responsibility to make myself happy, and than I wouldn't be so miserable..And I would be much more confident etc. But I tried ,and tried ,and I fail again and again. Than ,I get frustrated with myself,because I feel weak, that I didn't keep the rules. Sometimes, I convince myself ,that there is still some love for each other,but i feel it less and less.My husband is a very stubborn man, and very emotionally handicapped. I know its general, but he doesn't have any desire to try to look into himself, and admit his mistakes. i know , I know, its very typical. Now I'm on the point when I don't want to change my husband or except anything from him, because I tried , and I know its hopeless. But i feel , I'm not ready to leave, there is still not all grown children and I don't want to destroy them. I also don't know ,if I would be happier or not...I KNOW the grass isn't greener, on the other side... I'm not that young anymore...But my biggest question, is, If anybody ever been in this situation, that yes ,you don't want to leave , but you don't know how to stay? I need survival tips from someone smart, who knows what I can think or do to not lose my cool almost everyday. I want live here in peaceful way, not in boiling anger... Thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): The way you phrase your question it sound like you are quite a smart person yourself who's in touch with her feelings, knows what she wants and keeps her feet on earth. Trust me, with those qualities you are already half way there.
Time flies, and there's no pain that lasts a lifetime. Keep the way you are going, focus on your self growth and don't loose hope or las out yourself when you fail. It's not something easy, it takes a lot of will power and discipline.
Fight hard against your feelings of anger, remember that what you are putting up is a decision, that you could leave anytime you wanted, but that you are not because you confidently decide not to do so, because you don't want to hurt your childen, because you still love your husband with everything.
Make one of your goals learning something new everyday: try new recipies and perfect them, learn a new language or how to play an instrument, learn new dances, even if you can go out internet is a great place for doing so.
There are also many resources available for self growth, just type in your search bar how to be more confident, how to deal with things, etc, take what can be useful.
If your husband has issues, finding more about them (abandones child syndrome, BDT, depression...) can help you understand it more, there are even tips to deal with people with such things, understanding that the way he feels is more of a disease than of a choice you'd probably feel less resentful. I mean, if he had stomach cancer and was in a lot of pain and unable to do somethings, you'd probably try to help and confort him and he'd be feeling very bad and you'd be angry but love him no less.
This can be thought of as something similar, but tha pain is in the soul, the sympotms are in the behavior and believe it or not, it's harder to deal with because it's something we cant see and might not even have a name. If you know you want to be with him, be strong, you can do it.
You say there are things you'd wish he'd change but feel hopeless, believe me , the great process of self grwowth you'll be through (and probably are already) will be an example and if not for him, at least for your children.
My mother was fantastic until I was 9 and then became an incredibly difficult person, i suffered a lot from it, but have beeen learning to handle it. I've always admired my father he's so strong, so patient, with such a temper and has been able to deal with her, to let her moods pass and appreciate the good times. It may seem like not, but children do notice all that, and they appreciate it and look up to it.
For me, I've got my own emotional issues and I'm with someone who has his own emotional issues too. I know it's not easy, but I admire my father very much and want to be strong and patient like him. I ask God a lot to give me strenght to go through situations, and sometimes it seems like things just get more difficult, but I think it's like callouses.
If you are always getting comfy shoes your feet will very soft and the day something hurts you (like a different shoe) you'll get a terrible and painful blister that might take a long time to heal. If you have to walk a lot or your shoes are not too confortable you develop callouses, and part of your feet get stronger and then it's less likely that you develop blisters over the small things.
Self-growth is not an easy path, but you'll feel better to go through it, even if others around you need it too but won't do it. There will be easier days than others, but don't loose faith, don't feel bad about the setbacks, it's normal, beter praise your achievements and give yourself recognision from them.
Some practical tips:
- Brathing exercises and meditation. Put 5-10 min everyday aside for yourself. Focus on brathing and put your mind in blank. It's a hard skill to develop but very helpful.
- Exercise and/or practise yoga. Focus more on effort than on achievement. Start with easy things and progress gradually, never put your body through more than it can take.
- Distract yourself. Whenever you start feeling sad, having negative thoughts, saying bad things to yourself, change the channel, you don't deserve to hear that. Imagine that your mind is like a TV set, if you don't like the channel,change it. The sooner you recognize you're having negative emotions, the easier it'll be to change it.
- Do only what you want to do. Never do something you don't want to do (that includes doing the dishes or being somewhere you don't want to). It'll contribute to making you feel melancholic and resentful.
- Know who you are, what you want and where you are going. Then do only the things that know will help you feel better or achieve that goal.
- Help others. Helping other people helps you forget about your problems for a while and makes you feel you are doing something good for the universe.
- Never expect thankfulness, people are rearely thankful, so expecting it will probably make you feel dissapointed or resentful, if you don't expect it, the day it comes it'll be a nice surprise.
- Keep yourself busy. If your mind is busy with something, it'll have less times thinking about your situation and making it worse. Learn new things (that you find a bit challenge), make a list of things that need to be fixed around the house (or with yourself) and take care of them one by one and cross them off, it'll help your sense of achievent and keep your mind working on something possitive), involve in activities in your children's school, help with the play or the PDA comitee, etc
- Don't judge, avoid being judgemental with yourself and others, try to keep an open mind and avoid judgements.
- Accept things, don't conform with them, work on what can be improved, if something can't change, there's no point in trying to do so or even worry about it.
Hope I could help somehow. Give yourself credit for what you are doing, I think you are on the right track already and remeber you are not alone and there's at least someone else in the world who is wishing good things for you.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (27 September 2008):
 I am reading a very interesting book right now called "Why Men Love Bitches... Or How to Hold Your Own in a Relationship" by Sherry Argov, and it really has some very good ideas about losing yourself and your own identity, especially with a stubborn man, within a relation and what to do about it. You might want to get a copy and see if any of her ideas help you out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): Hi
Strange going through the same myself right at the point of wanting to throw the towel in because im sick and tired.
The only survival tip is XXXX him and live your own life even while you are together, live for you, he will never admit to been wrong don't waste your time. Get dolled up age is not a problem it is attitude and confidenc, go get admired and enjoyed by other men.
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