A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please help me!! I have been dating a man for 2 years now who I adore and would do anything for. We have been living together for the last 6 months or so but the problem is that his mom and grandma hate me and make our lives hell, (the rest of the family adore me) He does little to help the situation and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him to stand up for me. He thinks by not talking to his mom as much as he used to and by not texting her back as much as before that that is enough. I am so frustrated with him, if the situation were reversed I would tell my mother that I am an adult, this is my life and my choice and if she can't respect it then I can't have a relationship with her. I have told him this over and over again but he only says he's doing everything he should be and that he wants to be able to see and talk to his dad so he has to be around her too. He says he loves me and would do anything for me but yet he refuses to talk to her about it. They have had a couple big fights in the last 2 years about it but the problem is that they are both too busy screaming at each other to accomplish anything. She is not a rational person and is very stubborn so I get that it's hard to talk to her but I don't understand why he won't just say this is my life and my choices if you don't like it I'm sorry but you need to accept it and be civil if you want a relationship with me anymore. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): you're being very selfish by wanting your bf to disown his mother just because she hates you. You don't have a monopoly on his life. His mother raised him, you only recently came on the scene and you expect that he should cut her out of his life because of you? that's very selfish. It's unfortunate that she hates you but you're not exactly helping the situation with YOUR own attitude either. bottom line is, so what if she hates you, that's her right. You can choose to ignore her. You can choose to be the bigger person and not let it affect you. You can choose to forego events where she will be there too. Instead you want your bf to cut people he loves, and who love him, out of his life. On your say-so. Um, no. You are an adult, you can stand up for yourself, or remove yourself from the situation, or deal with this on your own.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): You are in the wrong. Look, I agree that it's not right for him not to stand up to his mom for you but the point is, he IS standing up for you in the only way he feels able to, just that you're not satisfied and you're trying to dictate to him how to feel and act and behave. You're trying to control him which makes you as bad as his mom.You need to stop nagging him incessantly to do what you want. You basically want him to be like you. That's not right. Just because you would "disown" your own mother if she disliked him, doesn't mean that your way of doing things is correct and your bf's way of choosing to still maintain a relationship with his mother, is wrong. If you really can't deal with this, if you can't accept him for who he is (which is someone who's less assertive to his parents than you are apparently to yours) then break up with him instead of trying to control his thoughts and feelings and actions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): Yes I have tried to have a relationship with them, his grandma has never met me only hates me because her daughter does. And his mom doesn't like me because I have 2 kids, she told my bf that she thinks I am the perfect girl for anyone but him because she doesn't want him to have to deal with someone else's kids. This is all fine and her opinion but she has banned me from any family functions, called my oldest daughter "a waste of space" (she's 8 btw). I tried from the start to be nice to his mom but she is horribly rude and disrespectful to me at any chance she gets. I can't imagine my parents treating someone I love this way and allowing it to go on. So yes I am telling him to fix it or we are done.
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A
female
reader, babygirllovej  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 To my understanding you are mad at your boyfriend for not telling his mother "Accept it or I will disown you." Correct?If that is the case you have NO right to tell your boyfriend that he has to tell his Mother such a horrible thing. Do you hate his Mother THAT much you don't want your boyfriend to have a relationship with her? Are you THAT controlling of him that he has no backbone of what he can and cannot do? Have you thought that this might be the REASON why his Mom and Grandmother dislike you so much? Are you going to force him to tell the exact same thing to his Grandmother??This is HIS family we are talking about and you are way out of line! Now, that being said I'm not saying his Mother and Grandmother are not being out of line as well. Have you talked to them? Do you know why they dislike you? Did you try to be friends with them? It wouldn't hurt to try to please them a little to show them you really care and you want to be apart of them family. If they still don't like you after your efforts of trying to get along (I mean really trying on your part) then it's unfortunate but there is nothing you can do. Try to ignore them the best you can and remember to be polite. It IS his family. You can't make him disown his family and by even suggesting such a thing then I'm quite shocked he didn't dump you.
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A
female
reader, tellitlikeitis +, writes (1 December 2011):
I don't know what you mean by "make your lives hell" but it sounds like he needs to grow up and take charge of HIS life. If he truly loved you and wanted you in his life he would either A. find a way to make his mom see he gets to make his own decisions and she's the one who needs to figure out how she can respect it or B. tell her if something doesn't change ASAP, he is no longer going to have ANY sort of relationship with her. AND THEN FOLLOW THROUGHhe can always have a relationship with his dad, he might have to change how that will work but that excuse is not a solid one. She is the one causing problems and he needs to be the one to grow up and stop them. She may never change but if he loves you he will find a way to fix this. If she is like you say she is, she is a way over controlling woman who probably has many issues in her own life she is taking out on other people.
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