A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:If you are the person feeling this way, how do you get back the spark/attraction?If you are the person who was told this, how do you feel and what do you do?
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male
reader, Code Warrior + ♥, writes (22 September 2009):
 My wife and I were there. In fact, for many years we were not in love and only our committment kept the marriage alive.
It is possible to get something like the "In love" feeling back into your relationship, but not at the same intensity level. That is gone forever.
That being said, I can tell you that the love my wife and I share now is, in most ways that matter, better than the "In Love" feeling. Our new love is derived from our committment and the effort we have made to do right by each other. I like the way the cadillac commercial put it "It smolders beautifully"
Now to your questions.
What to do if you feel like you are not "In Love":
If you are the person feeling this way, and you want to change it, you must give up the idea of rekindling the old flame. Accept that it is gone. Instead, focus on building a NEW relationship from scratch.
You need to have unconditional love for your significant other. Do right by them and really expect nothing in return. This does not mean that you are their servant. It means that you are choosing to do things for them, choosing to give them the benefit of the doubt, choosing to meet their needs, choosing to love them.
Do not tell them what you are doing. Let your actions speak. You have to really want it to work and it requires tremendous effort and sacrifice.
You have to keep this up for as long as you can. If you are married, you really must do it regardless of how long it takes because you have vows to live up to. If you are not married, then it is up to you how long you are willing to try.
If your significant other asks you what is up, just tell them that you were feeling down about the relationship, but still love them and are putting more effort into meeting their needs in order to try to put the spark back into the relationship. Tell them that you are not demanding that they do the same, but would really feel loved if they did.
If it works you will have a less intense "In Love" feeling, but it will be more sustainable. However, there are no guarantees that it will work. In the end, both people must be willing to sacrifice and meet the needs of the other for it to have any chance of success.
You can read my profile if you like. I give the basics of what I did.
Now for your second question.
What to do if you were told "I Love You, I'm just not 'In Love' with you":
If you are the person who was told this, then your feelings will range from relief to grief depending on how you were feeling prior to hearing it. If you felt the love was gone, then you would feel relief, but sadness at the truth that it may be over. If you were still "In Love" then you would likely be devastated.
I don't think there is much you can do if you were told this except suggest that they try what I have suggested above. Doing something like that is really something they have to want to do themselves and they have to want it to work. You can suggest it, but you really can't ask them to do it. It requires tremendous effort. Trust me. You have to be disciplined in order to do it over the long haul.
I am truly sorry that your relationship has reached this point. I know how bad that feels. Whatever decision you make, I wish you well.
A
female
reader, icelordess + ♥, writes (22 September 2009):
 I agree with older sister, this isn't something that a person normally says without thinking it through. Sadly, it pretty much means just what it says..They love you as a friend, but they aren't in love with you as a girlfriend/wife/SO. And once a person's feelings change this way, they don't normally change back into love. If a man said that to me, I would certainly feel that there was no point in trying to rekindle things, I'd want to go lick my wounds, move on. I have been in this type of a relationship, and trust me, its VERY painful to try to make it into what it isn't. I know this must hurt you, but I don't think it would be wise to keep trying to make the person feel what they no longer feel. It will only hurt you more in the end.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (22 September 2009):
 This is a very difficult thing to say to someone and it's usually said after much thought and careful deliberation. Once I feel that way about someone, I know the relationship is not going anywhere and no sparks will develop.
If I'm in love with someone, I can't imagine ever saying those words even if the passion has fizzled because relationships take work and it's something you have to work at every day and commit to it.
If someone told me that they loved me but weren't in love with me, I'd consider that person a friend. There's no way I'd continue a relationship with them.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  + ♥, writes (22 September 2009):
you've got to start talking. Maybe even counselling. There's still love there, so that's a good start.You just need to air the problems to find the solution. Best of luck
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