A
female
age
30-35,
*winn
writes:Hi, so I feel like I have a very stupid question with a very obvious answer, but I'm so conflicted that I outside opinions!Long story short, I'm in a four year relationship by my bf, and have been seeing this guy that I work with. I've been seeing him for a couple months now and I'm totally head over heals with him.Recently I found out that he has a girlfriend that he lives with along with their 6 year old daughter.....yup. I love my bf but I don't feel the same for him anymore. I feel like he's just a best friend, but he's so good to me and such a good guy, I feel so bad. The other guy I'm seeing feels the same way about his gf too. He's just with her cuz they have a kid together. We always tell each other when we're with our SO, that we really wish we were with each other instead. It's a really complicated situation with an obvious answer but I like him so much! What is you're guys opinion on this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2015): If he's a great guy and is good to you I don't get why you want to cheat on him. I know that after a while relationships aren't the same and get a bit boring but have you tried to get the spark back with him rather than trying to find it somewhere else?I sometimes get why people cheat when their partners are awful and treat them like crap but I just feel really sorry for your boyfriend when he treats you well.Forget about this guy you are cheating with for now, if you both feel like you belong together and are in love I'm sure it can wait until you do the decent thing and split up with the people you are currently seeing.Don't hurt your boyfriend and make him bitter and twisted about relationships. Walk away and in a few months you can start again with the person you want to be with. There are enough a**holes in the world without maybe turning your boyfriend in to one by messing up his head.It's really not pleasant being cheated on, it damages your self esteem and makes you wonder what the hell is wrong with you, especially when you go out of your way to treat somebody well.Also when a relationship is started on the basis of you both being cheats then there is a very high chance of one of you going on to do it again when you become bored.I understand that you can't help who you fall in love with and he could be the one you're meant to be with. But there's no need to stay with your current partners, just end it with them first.
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (9 December 2015):
 If he is a "good guy" then why is he cheating? In fact, right after he has sex with you, he will claim that his ties to his GF are more complicated then he said, because of his daughter, and other things...basically, claiming, now that he had sex with you, don't you dare try to yank him away from his GF otherwise you have no feelings for his daughter. Then he will keep dragging you along like that...
As for you, you already are cheating with this guy. You are having an emotional affair and an intent to have sex. Him being unable to be hard does not negate that you were fully committed to cheat.
The obvious answer to your situation is to go contact, run to your BF and reshuffle the relationship so that things that attract you about the cheater are things you'd want out of your BF.
So my opinion of your situation is that it is very, very wrong, and you will end up used and without both men.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2015): Hi Ewinn,You don't feel the same about your boyfriend after 4 years? Of course you don't - and you shouldn't!When are with someone new all kinds of chemicals and endorphins are released in our brains, which we experience as the "rush" of new love. Over time, they calm down as does the feelings we experience. Overwhelming desire and passion is replaced by the comfortable, best friend feeling that you have now.The question you need to ask yourself is which of these natural states represents "love"?Hollywood would have us believe it is the first one. But, it is something of a trap because if you constantly go chasing those feelings, you will always move from new relationship to new relationship, finding someone new to trigger those feelings within you.The more mature response is to recognise the second stage for what it is - long term, long lasting love.However, you are young and if you want to chase the "rush" for the time being that is your choice! There is time enough to settle down in the future, as long as you are honest with yourself about what you are doing.That said, in this instance you have picked someone otherwise spoken for. This is always a bad idea, never mind considering that you are cheating on your boyfriend at the same time (and yes, you might not have had sex but you are cheating emotionally which is just as bad)If you want to enjoy the whirlwind with someone else, do the right thing and finish with your current boyfriend before looking for your next.And, find someone single and available - Don't beome either a "homewrecker" or someone elses "bit on the side". Have more respect for yourself and others than that.Good luck,P
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2015): On the one hand you have a crush; an infatuation and it will only lead to destruction and a lot of pain for the two unfortunate victims that make up your 4-some.On the other this sounds real and if you're both committed to being with each other and happy and excited you should explore it.The most important thing though is you need to stop the pretence and be authentic with your partner. What will hurt the most is the fact you've not been honest and have been lying in bed, having sex with him whilst thinking of another. The longer this goes on too the harder it will be for your new partner, knowing you've been intimate with your ex-to-be for the first few months of your relationship... see where I'm going...You need a frank conversation with all and soon. Either recognise you have issues with your current partner that have made you feel less in love, come clean, remove all contact with the new guy OR come clean and try and have a relationship with him transparently. It's hard and we can't made the decision for you. Decide what you want and come clean.
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A
female
reader, Ewinn +, writes (9 December 2015):
Ewinn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFYI-- before anyone asks: I've never cheated on him or even talked to another guy before. Also, we tried to have sex once but he couldn't get hard :/. Also, I
Told him the beginning I had a bf too.
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