A
female
age
41-50,
*hlaw
writes:I am in love with a boy, and we have been together for four years. We live together, and we have been living together for three years. I am almost finished with grad school and he is mid-B.A. - I said he was a boy but it's really a term of endearment. We're in our late twenties. My question is: how long should I wait before I give up on getting married? I asked him a while ago, and he said he wasn't ready. I wasn't really sure what that meant, so we had a big discussion, and he basically said that he didn't want to marry until he could support me. He said he didn't want us to struggle. This doesn't make sense to me: I am almost done with school and will soon be able to take care of both of us, assuming all goes according to plan. He is not anti-marriage or anti-committment. He just wants to wait, but it really hurts that he can't let go of the provider role and just be with me. I don't think our lives would change all that much if we were married. We are already committed, monogamous, and living together. I just want to have our title - spouse - reflect what we are. I feel silly calling him my boyfriend - it sounds so trivial. I want another word for it... and I want to have a big party where we swear to love each other forever and celebrate our love. Also, his parents have had a rocky marriage. His older brothers married quite late - older than I am now - and my family and friends all married relatively early. My parents were married when they both were 22. I know that my wanting to marry (and getting frusterated by waiting) and his wanting to wait is putting stress on our relationship. So what do you think? He's worth waiting for, but how do I encourage without pushing? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 April 2010):
 This may sound old fashioned , but if i were you I would be proud of a having a boyfriend that refuses being financially supported by me. With all the lazy bums that there are around only too happy to let a career woman take care of them... Becoming a meal ticket used to be mostly a male problem until a few years ago, now it's a danger for both sexes and I don't think we can define it a feminist conquest :)
I know , this is not your case anyway. But in your couple I can't quite see where the "who's the provider " problem is. You are nearly out of grad school and hopefully you'll get a good job soon- he's nearly done with his studies and he'll get a good job too. You both will be the providers for your couple - as equals. As long as he's not anti-marriage or anti-committment on principle, but he justs want to wait until he's more financially stable, why not waiting ?
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