A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem- I'm in my 30s, female, and I keep falling for guys who are charming, smart - and guess what! Gay! No, these are not the "obvious" ones. They tend to be the gentlemanly reserved kind who wears sweaters, and who are sincere and idealistic.. (I think ) this is the kind of person I want to date, but why is it that every time I meet a person who has these traits, he isn't straight? I feel like I'm hitting the wall over and over again. Help! What am I doing wrong? Why am I always in this situation? I'm not one of those girls who enjoys having a gay male friend to dish about stuff to (I have gay male friends but we talk about science and politics and not gushy relationshippy stuff) I do get attention from obviously straight guys but I tend not to be interested (too easy????) Idk. Has this happened to you? Did you get out of it? Advice? Insight ? It's hard for me because I really invest emotions into these guys. and it's not easy to flip that and "just be friends" - I feel like I'm doing everyone a disservice by having really bad gaydar (these guys get to know me and LOVE me - but not in that way, and it can be an equally bad let down to them to find out I don't want to be friends!) Complicated. *sigh* Reply to this Question
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female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (13 December 2011):
 There are plenty of straight guys that aren't aggressive! But again, reading your second followup, I think you need to be more open minded about guys rather than finding someone who is 'ideal.' Don't 'try' to find a relationship because it's better to let those feelings come naturally rather than to force them =] They always say you find love when you're not looking for it, and although I'm only 20, if my experience is anything to go by, then there is definitely an element of truth to it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't frequent bars, have only been to a gay bar once lol and the guys there did not like us there. I've met a couple through school (where a meeting of minds often occurs) and one at a place where I volunteer (shared idealism). You might be right about wanting to protect myself in some way. I have a very romanticized ideal that most guys don't fit...and maybe my gay friends are just more verbally expressive in endearing ways? are more okay with being feeling? I dunno. I'm not into girls- so I can't say that it's because I'm gay. However, I have had issues with social anxiety and feelings of social exclusion for much of my life. I think "normal" and "ordinary" interactions are really difficult! to the point, I sometimes think I have autism or Aspberger's. anyway...thank you for your thoughts. I will try to break out of my shell as much as I can...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): I've had the same issue since I started dating. All of my ex-boyfriends are gay and I kept falling for gay guys. Turns out that I'm gay too. By falling for gay men I was avoiding the possibility of intimacy with men. Is it possible that you are gay? If not I suspect that you fear rejection and suffer from low self esteem. By falling for gay men, you eliminate the possibility of wondering "what does she have that I don't" and all the feelings of inferiority that follow. I suggest that you forget about dating for a while and focus on things that make you happy. Volunteer for organizations that support causes that you feel passionately about. BTW, where are you meeting all of these gay men? If you only hang out at gay bars, that may be putting a crimpin' in your pimpin'!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI met a couple at uni, and recently at a place where I volunteer... I think part of the problem is that I'm fairly shy/awkward and find it difficult to communicate w more aggressive guys, and also we have fewer things in common... but I will take your advice and try different things! Thank you.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (12 December 2011):
Try not to be so closed minded with guys you date. Spend time with someone who 'isn't your type' and get to know them better as a person rather than brushing them off because of the way they dress or their interests. You also haven't said where you're meeting these guys - do you find them in the same place? It could be that you're going to a gay honeypot without realising it! If not it could just be bad luck I'm afraid so you may just have to keep trying!
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