A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have had a rocky past, we have been together for over 4 years, The last time we got back together be told me that I was everything in his life, and that now he knows what love is, and that he wanted me to be his family. Things have been going great ever since, he took me ring shopping( this was never forced.. he invited me), he asked me to move in with him, he wanted to start having a baby( I am 31 he is 28). The one evening we were in bed talking and he asked me when I knew he was the one. And I answered... So I then asked him and he said that he still wasn't 100% sure! WOW! What a slap in the face! He said that he has his doubts, he said that he loves me with all his heart but he still isn't sure. I am hurt, upset, I feel stupid, I just feel like after 4 years he should just know. I know that he is entilted to his doubts but he said he is just not sure... What are your thoughts?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 February 2008):
 Sorry to hear that after 4 years, he doesn't know for sure. But you have to give him credit for being honest with you. I had a long-distance courtship with my now husband. He too had his doubts. I think it's the fear of cutting off options and losing perceived freedom that is most troubling to men. They don't want to feel chained or tied down. I read a very helpful book, "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills--you can find it easily in online bookstores. It helped clarify what I wanted from the relationship and how to go about dealing with him.After 2 years of dating, and being in an essentially static position, I gave him a one-year ultimatum, but not until I was fully ready to give him up at the end of that time. He got a 6 month reminder, to let him know I was completely serious about it, then again at 3 months. This was all done without anger or wild hysteria. At the end, I still didn't have a proposal, so I sadly but lovingly said "goodbye" to him. Within 2 days, he was desperate to see me again, and the next time we met, he proposed.The book is the only self-help relationship book I would ever recommend.Good luck, and acknowledge that he's being honest with you. Without that, you'd have nothing. With that, you know where you stand and can make up your own mind what you want from him and from life.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 It is only words. He may not be able to say 100% because that is not possible realistically . It is just a play on words.
A woman can give a man 100% but a man cannot give a woman 100% because he has his career to think off.This is assuming the traditional man who works and the woman the full time housewife.
As long as he treats you good, you should not be overtly concerned that he cannot tell you he love you 100%.
Maybe he love you 90% or 99.99%. LOL!
It could be , he never thought deeper about it before saying it. Most men just say what they want without thinking. Sometimes they give wrong answers. You need to forgive him and not hold his words. The men always fail in this department.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): I think you might ask your boyfriend what he means to tell you when he says he is not 100% sure.
I believe that there is no perfect person out there for us, that is a fantasy because the last perfect person that was made died on a cross..
That said, if someone is 80% of your list of things that you want then that is a great person, and if they do not violate any of your non-negotiables, then they aren't the wrong person for you. No one can be 100% sure that their marriage will last as close to 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce, not very good odds.
It is a lucky person who can comprehend that love is not just a feeling is is a concious decision to be a person worthy of love, to be loving towards another and put them first above even your own needs most of the time. Love is not about the "I can't live without you" feelings, that is dependency not love....Love is not love without commitment, it is all about putting action behind those words I love you, you are the ONE for me....Your boyfriend has not taken that final step to commitment to be 100% worthy of love if he is putting the focus entirely upon feeling or knowing that you are the ONE 100%....He has to be ready and so do you to give 110% in this relationship, it is not about giving 50% and expecting the other person to take up the rest of the slack....it is about discovering what the other person needs in order to be loved and giving it to them....plain and simple and not hard to do as long as your head can grasp that it is not about you and how that other person always makes you "feel" as our feelings are something that we are largely responsible for ourselves and how we chose to act on them is up to us.
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