A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a man in his fifties for a few months. He is not your stereotypical 50-something. Quite young at heart and in his way of being and outlook - a bit artistic-looking in some ways too and a sensitive, creative type, especially with language - we both like books and plays. The frienship side of our relationship is brilliant - we talk for hours about anything and everything, he understands me and is intuitive and it is like he is a soul mate I have waited to meet all my life. But there is something I can't put my finger on. I am wondering if he may be gay or bisexual. I don't think he would tell me (he has a child and there are custody issues sometimes with the Mother so maybe he wouldn't want it to be used against him by vindictive people). And I'm not even sure if he would admit it to himself if he was. With that generation it just was swept under the carpet and unacceptable when growing up. I keep telling myself he can't be, because he fancies me, has had relationships with women, although he has never been married but has had a live-in relationship (with a woman who looks like a boy! or at least quite androgynous). He once told me that when he was in the sixth form at school he had a friend who was gay. And he has started talking about this friend more recently. And he has another good male friend, that could just be male bonding (they met after they had both been dumped by someone a few years ago), but there is something about this friendship that rings a few bells too. The main thing that started me thinking was the sex. We have only recently started having full sex - we both decided not to rush into it to see how the relationship was going. I can't put my finger on what it is there either, but although we have conventional sex, he sometimes seems to stop and 'think' and look at my parts as if he is examining me like a specimen! And sometimes when we do it from behind it is like he is hesitating and I get the feeling he is thinking more about the anal aspect (yet I know that heterosexual couples have anal sex too). I feel I need to know. When I first started seeing him, I told him about a boyfriend I'd had for 3 weeks and then confessed he was bisexual and didn't want to get involved, then when my new man told me about his school friend, I jokingly said 'you're not going to tell me you are bi-sexual are you?!' He said no. He knows I am a fairly open-minded person and fairly unshockable, and I once joked saying 'are you sure you fancy women?' - he was definitely lusting after me and said yes he definitely fancied women. And yet I still have this 'feeling'. And I feel I need to know before we get any more involved. Plus I am starting to worry a bit about STD's etc (I suppose I could go and get tested - I know I was OK before as I had a routine test after a smear - but testing for Aids wouldn't show up immediately I believe. But really I'm uncomfortable about having to do anything and just want honesty. But if he is in denial he can't be honest can he? How do I know? I don't want to break this off without being sure, but neither do I want to find he has a secret life or is repressing something later on in our relationship. We live in a small rural community too (I only moved here a few years ago, he has lived here all his life) and gossip is rife so people tend to try and keep private things private, so I could understand him not wanting to come out. What I don't understand is - if he is gay (whether in denial or not) why does he want me? I am wondering if it is because he needs a woman in his life because like most men, their Mothers fulfilled a role that they miss and get to some degree from their wives, especially after their Mothers have died (his died some 20 years ago). Before we went out, we were friends and he was always talking about women he fancied - almost too much, like trying to prove something. I don't want to try and read things into all this, it's just - something tells me that he has some kind of secret (a part of him he keeps closed off) and the behaviour during sex is strange. Not always - just sometimes. My instincts tell me he is a closet gay, or at least bi-sexual, but in that case, why has he had relationships with women? Why bother? Especially if he has never been the marrying kind. I love his company so much and his mind and the togetherness we have and the kissing and cuddling. I am a fairly gentle, non-threatening type of female (people always seem to feel safe with me!). I know he didn't have a good relationship with his Mother who he said was aggressive and 'horrible'. And he also told me he had had a minor breakdown in his early twenties. He gets a bit nervy sometimes too, but that seems to be better since he has been seeing me and he seems more secure and relaxed. I just can't add it all up and put my finger on it. Are there any gay men out there who might enlighten me as to what it is like to live in the closet all your life? And whether you think he might be? And how can I know? He is a Virgo if that means anything!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): Thanks for the update babes, I'm crossing my fingers and hoping everything works out for the both of you. I'm glad you can discuss things honestly with him, and the fact that you can laugh together is a really good sign as far as I'm concerned. Any more problems, don't hesitate to come back to Dear Cupid, and write down your thoughts to clear your mind. Take care of you, seasons greetings and a happy new year...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): Thanks. You are right. As long as he is faithful that's all that matters. And I already told him, if he ever isn't I can get past that if he told me, but if he didn't tell me and I found out I would kill him! He laughed. We are OK. As long as it feels right I'm happy. Mustn't worry too much about such things. Thanks so much for your time and understanding and help me work through some fears.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Ah, I missed that other thing. He's lived there forever, you've come from outside. You think that woman might know him better, and knows something you don't. "He's a bit of a woman", that's what she said. Well, as you say, it dose sound very delicate and sensitive, and that is probably it. He doesn't sound like the most manly guy in the world, he's creative and artistic, maybe she prefers a stronger type of guy. If he was gay, wouldn't she just have told you straight out? I don't know, but as I said, as long as he is faithful, then it really doesn't matter at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): He reminds you of your friend, well now we have something concrete to work with. We won't know babes, unless he tells you, he says no, so you'll just have to go with that.
You like him a lot, you have fun with him, well just relax, and let things develop naturally and just have fun. The question isn't about his sexuality, it's more about you learning to have trust and enjoy being with someone. I don't want you to get hurt, but you can't run away, just because he MIGHT be a liar or a cheat. As long as he treats you well and is faithful, then I would suggest you leave it alone, because it really isn't getting you anywhere. Forget about the other guys who have hurt you, and try to go into this relationship to have fun with somebody you like.
If he dose something you don't like then talk to him, if you find out things that make you distrust him then dump him. But relax. If you've been hurt before, don't you deserve to have some fun with somebody was seems to like you a lot. Not all men hurt, maybe this guy could be the right one for you, and maybe he won't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): Thanks very much again. Well he surprised me yesterday by saying how happy he is with our relationship and he wants to spend a lot more time with me. And the sex seems to be getting better. No I'm not ashamed of him - he's lovely. It's just I love him to bits and would hate to get hurt if there was no future for it and he suddenly decided he preferred men! He has this slightly indecisive personality trait - even simple decisions like choosing between this option for the evening or that one. Kind of makes me think he could be bisexual, which as you say isn't a problem if he's with me - but could be if he can't make his mind up and wants both and I don't know! Guess I'll give it some time. Yes it is narrow minded and gossipy round here (and a bit medieval sometimes) - I've lived in many places and you are right about different types of gay men. He has only ever lived here and yes people would a field day if someone 'came out' and he's quite a shy person - but very funny! My great mate. Which is why I guess I'm so terrified of getting hurt if there's something I don't know. But yes will give it time. Am beginning to put my finger on it a bit - he reminds me of yet another friend I knew (not the one I dated previously) who was bisexual but didn't want to come out - and also indecisive about whether to have relationships with men or women (or both and keep one secret) - another hang up maybe?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): I was really hoping you'd get more answers from our gay and bi-sexual aunts and uncles, but unfortunately they must be all asleep or at work.
Are you ashamed of this guy, is that what this is? Some guy said "I think he looks gay", some woman you know said "he's a bit of a woman", and then suddenly you start seeing him differently and looking for evidence of this. You say if you weren't dating him, then you would have thought he was gay, but that makes no sense at all. You met him, you agreed to a date, and then these people said things, and then he becomes bi-sexual in your eyes. I have gay friends, and yes some of them are a little feminine in their ways. But I also have gay friends who used to be in the army and police force, and they are big, tall and very, very manly. One of them is probably older than your guy, and if he didn't tell me, I would have known he was gay at all. As I said there is no definite test he can take to please you. I've had male friends who were are very feminine, like clothes and spending time with women, but they are heterosexual too. They just liked women a lot, so spend a lot of time with them and therefore picked up some finer qualities and entertainments that some more "masculine" guys lack.
You said you live in a small, rural, community. Are you sure it's not because your embarrassed because he doesn't seem like the rest of the guys. Maybe it's a case of spending too much time listening to Mr & Mrs Jones, who have too much time on their hands, and love to gossip about things they don't understand.
Sorry babes, I live in London. Artistic guys, who are creative, are sensentative, and like to look at clothes are all arround me, and they definately aint gay. You've asked him, and he denies it, so what else can you do. If he's kind, if you find his company enjoyable, if he treats you nice, and has good sex with you, then what dose it matter what he done in his past.
If your serious about this guy, and intend to stay with him, then I would suggest you do this after you have been together for at least a year. Suggest you both talk totally honestly about your sexual past, ask him to share his secrets with you, and you share yours with him. But you may not like what you hear. What if he has had sex with men in the past, what if he loved orgies with men and women and swung from the rooftops. If his past will matter a lot to you, then stop this relationship right now, before anybody gets hurt. But if you think you can reach the level of honesty and intimacy, where you can both be truthfull and these things won't hurt, then go for it. At the moment, you've only started dating recently. His past is his past, and unless he's a cheat, I say again, it really has nothing to do with you.
You either like him and feel comfortable, or he makes you nervous, you don't trust him, so walk away from this relationship. It really is your call..
PS: You should both be wearing condoms anyway, cause unless you've both been tested, you don't know what disease he may have, whether he's gay, straight or otherwise. Blessings....
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): Thanks for the replies. Well yes I guess I could be having a hang up from the previous experience, although that was a long time ago. Thinking about it, a female who knows him says he is a 'bit of a woman', and a male friend told me, the first time we went out together 'I reckon he is gay'. I said, no he can't be he's got a child and he is going out with me, but my male friend didn't seem to think that made any difference. I ignored these comments thinking he is just who he is. He is certainly not macho. The girl that is a bit androgynous and looks like a boy was his ex, not his flat-mate - his last serious relationship. Yes he is quite concerned with clothing - very aware of my fashion sense, and in terms of his own he likes to wear black all the time but is aware of liking certain things and choosing his clothes. I suppose the fear of him being bisexual is infidelity (likewise if he has gay yearnings) or just being lied to or being cheated on. I suppose some of the 'feeling' is as if he is trying to tell me something in a roundabout way so I guess, but I don't do guesswork! I suppose part of me thinks if he is gay maybe he'd rather have sex with a woman than not at all if he doesn't want to be 'found out'. He is quite fastidious, yes(especially about periods) and says he went off his ex when she was pregnant - butI know that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I guess the thing is, if he wasn't seeing me I WOULD think he was gay. I know my questions are a bit like 'how long is a piece of string', but I was just hoping something I said might get some insights from others. The gay men have met before ave been younger and from a different generation and it was easier for them to be 'out'. Any insights grateful received.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): Wow.... you've been holding a lot in.. that was a very long read, it sounds like you've been thinking about this for a long time. I've read through, but you know what, I have no idea what is bothering you.
Your dating this guy who has some mother issues, you get on, but you think he may be gay or bisexual. You have no reason to believe this, but your "gut" just tells you he is.
Evidence:
1) He "examines" your sex parts clinically during sex. Well straight men do this as well, they like to look at something the don't have.
2) It feels like he is "thinking" about anal sex. As you know straight men like anal sex too.. but this guy doesn't do it, it just "feels like" he's thinking about it
3) He tries to impress you by talking about other women. Straight men do this, because they hope it makes them look like a stud, like somebody who women like to have sex with.
4) His female flatmate looks like a boy.... SO WHAT, he's not screwing her, he's screwing you
5) He has bonded with his male friend. Well you have women friends, don't you bond with them as well.
6) You asked if he was bi-sexual, and he said no. But you believe that you know him better than he knows himself, and therefore you believe he is in the closet and denying his sexuality.
There is nothing in what you say, that makes me think this guy is bi-sexual or gay. And even if he has had sex with a man before, he's not sleeping with them now, he's sleeping with you. Not all gay people have aids, heterosexual people are more likely to get it now, because most gay people are very strict about using condoms, because Aids and HIV devastated their community.
Gut feelings are important, and if you feel something is wrong, then you won't be able to relax, and therefore this relationship can't work. Maybe it's your past experiences that lead you to judge men that you are with. Because "I told him about a boyfriend I'd had for 3 weeks and then confessed he was bisexual and didn't want to get involved" you may think that every man is hiding some type of secret and may be possibly gay.
It doesn't matter if he is bi-sexual. He's in a relationship with you and if he sleeps with anyone else, then it's cheating and you should dump him. If he was bi-sexual before, it's in his past and none of your business anyway. If he's gay and only likes men then you would definitely know, cause he would be avoiding sex with you, he would prefer anal sex all the time, and he would be looking at other men.
I'm not telling you that your gut feelings are wrong, but from what you say, there is no evidence to say that this guy is bi-sexual and if he is it doesn't matter. Talk to him, but it probably won't help, because you don't know what is wrong, so how the hell will he be able to help, except to lie and admit that you are right and he's being keeping his sexual attraction for men a secret.....
I'm sorry, I can't really help. There is no gay test that I know off, and there is nothing to stop gut feelings and suspicions once they have started. Probably a long break from this guy might help you to make up your mind once and for all...
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female
reader, katatonik  +, writes (7 December 2008):
 It's hard to say whether he is gay, or just effeminate, or maybe he's a little perverted and REALLY enjoys looking at you "down there." How is he about cleanliness? Is he concerned with fashion? Does he initiate sex with you, or is it always you starting things? I know that the first two questions, at least, reflect stereotypical perceptions of gay men, but often stereotypes exist for a reason and this may help you develop a clearer picture. Also, if you have female friends who know him reasonably well, ask them (in confidence, of course) what they think about him. More than one opinion will help you determine if you are only being paranoid.
No matter what, if you are going to continue a sexual relationship with this guy and you have ANY reason to be concerned about STDs, the two of you need to start using condoms when you have sex. In the meantime, get tested. I don't know when the two of you became sexually active together, but current HIV tests can determine whether or not you have HIV as soon as 3 months after exposure...if not sooner. Please don't wait, as your health may depend on this. Good luck.
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