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male
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anonymous
writes: I got married 3 yrs ago and since then, the relationship between my wife and my family has become pretty horrible. I come from a small, intimate family (1 mother, 1 sister, father passed away). When I first got married there was some jealousy, but I figured as time went by my mom and sister would get used to my wife and welcome her as part of the family. There was some tension at first, and I defended my wife whenever my mom and sister tried to gang up on her. However it seems as if that has backfired on me, because now my wife disrespects them and expects me to take her side. Obviously my mom and sister expect me to defend them when my wife is out of line. I was hesitant to do it at first, since she is my wife, but last night I defended my family. My wife was being rude to them and I couldn't just sit there.Well my wife became furious and stormed out of the house. Now she won't talk to me and refuses to apologize or even visit them, which is problematic since we all live in the same town. My mom and sister on the other hand feel like I've abandonded them since I got married.What the hell happened? I thought as time went by they would get along and we would have a nice family relationship. Instead I seem to be playing referee between these stupid conflicts.I hate how I've been put in the middle of all this. I hate having to feel like I have to choose one side or the other. And I seriously hate how women start holding grudges against each other for the smallest reasons. What do I do? How in the world do I get these people to get along?
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (6 March 2006):
 I am in the unfortunate position your poor wife is in. His Mum and sister ganged up on me, to the extent of asking him everytime they wanted to see our son. They totally ignored anything I told them concerning our son, they tried to manufacture arguments and when we got married his Mum offered to put more money towards it then pulled out at the last minute cos she couldn't bear to see her son marry that bitch (me!)
So after 6 years of trying to fit in and trying REALLY hard to be nice, I flipped. And I mean flipped. I will never forgive them and I manufactured a situation where my husband actually heard and saw them in their full glory of nastiness. Before that they had always been very careful not to do to much in fornt of him so he always thought I was over reacting.
Now i have nothing to do with any of them. I do not speak to them and I never ever have contact with them without a witness. There is two of them and they back each other up and gang up on one of me. So I expect my husband to now support me. He is married to me and we are a family unit. I have been out of line but my husband understands that this is a reaction to 6 years of keeping my trap shut.
I should think your wife feels the same way. Have they EVEr apologised to your wife for their disgusting bullying behaviour at the beginning of your relationship?
You should back your wife. She will feel like it is a *you and her* situation otherwise. Never let her down by revaeling a chink in your relationship. She deserves better than that regardless of how out of line you think she was. If you disagree with her behaviour do it in private. I think you have just scored a real own goal here and I think you need to grow up cut the apron strings and support your poor wife, who understandably, probably feels like NOBODY is on her side now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2006): I have the same problem and I did exactly what was adviced on here even before reading the bit of advice.Parents say that I have betrayed them and I am very selfish whereas wife says she is ready to split with me !!! Mum and dad bang the phone down on me and am left with no peace.I have left it to god to sort this out cos I have tried everything and i have lost it !!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2006): You don't have to choose, you have to decide what to do. Just do what you're doing and let it continue or take my advice and do your very best to make it all work.
I understand that it must be very difficult for you. But you don't have to put up with it, you know.
The only way to deal with this is by talking to them. Individually. I know that's hard, especially when it's such a difficult topic to bring up, but be strong, you can pull through.When it gets awkward talking to them about it, just think that it will turn out al right in the end.
Sit your wife down and tell her that it's not your family she's hurting, it's you. Tell her that you feel like you have to choose between her and your family, and that's not fair. You should also say that you married her, not your mum or your sister, so that way, she won't feel left out. Talk to your mum and your sister, when your wife's not there. Ask them to be nice to her, because they're ruining it for you. Ask them how they would feel if you did the same to them. Say that you've talked to your wife about it, so it's not like your just having a go at them. Remind them that you love them ,but they're not being fair by making you feel like you have to choose between your wife and them. I'm sorry if I haven't helped you, but that's the best I can do. All I can do for you now is to try what I've said. Oh, and here's a helpline that you can ring if I haven't helped: Get Connected: 0808 808 4994. It gives free, confidential advice, whatever the problem. I hope it all works out for you. XXXXX
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