A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please help! My man and I have been together for nearly 4 years. When we first met, it was like something made in heaven . . . he pursued me for nearly 1 1/2 years. We live in different cities. Also during that time I would not see him, but we talked daily. Once I agreed to see him, we became inseparable. We started out with promises to moving toward marriage, the whole nine yards.About a year into the relationship, he started having employment issues. He is a professional man, highly educated, but cannot get back into the job market. What did I do? I have stood by him fiercely, and went through unbelievable lengths to help him survive. My position was always for him to confirm that the commitments he showed at first are real -- for richer or for poorer. I tried to show him that I was in this for the long haul, that it was about us toughing it out through life and not about his status -- sooner or later, the job thing would work out in my mind.I began to pressure him about marriage, and he began to become more and more vague over time. I deeply wanted to help him understand that I am for him no matter what. That I had proven my loyalty. Last month, I totally blew up, disrespected him and myself with a long conversation of foul mouthed behavior. I demanded repayment of the monies borrowed (he had a pending deal and would soon collect a lot of money), and affirmed that he was using me. HE has now broken off with me!!! He insists that he would not allow me to talk to him that way. It's been 2 weeks since I heard from him, and I really believe he's seeing other people already. I am so stunned by this because I guess I felt I was buying my secured spot in his life. What do I do with this mess???
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): I had a very similar situation to yourself. My then husband for various reason found it hard to hold down a job. I had always been in steady paid employment and so therefore helped him through all the financial hardships by paying for everything. He borrowed money from me and although I repeatedly asked never gave it back. After living like this for a while I snapped and called him a drunken using sponger and an awful selection of swear words. During the time leading up to this he too had coooled off somewhat and ths infuriated me as I felt wrongly that because I was paying for everything and keeping a roof over his head that I was entitled to his affection and love. I also thought I was buying / investing in my security. Not so - he left me and I never got any money back. I did love him and rang and rang to apologize but he wouldnt have it. Within a month I would see him driving around with another lady. Eventually I had to accept that he had used me and that although grateful for my support I couldnt BUY his love. I moved away so as not to see them together anymore.
I got no joy out of persecuting this chap and making a pain of myself. I knew deep down the money would never be returned and had to accept that. As soon as I reaised it was never going to happen I calmed down about it.
There are ofcourse different outcomes to this and it may well be that your partner has low self esteem and confidence at the moment and hearing you blow up at him reaffirmed his fear that he is a bit of a failure at present. If this is the case as soon as the money starts coming in and he feels more confident it is likely he will feel differently. Also if he does love you and wants to get married he may feel that he cant pay for anything so could have gone quiet because of that. My ex husband turned to someone who didnt know his history so he could escape from his past as he felt uncomfortable dealing with it.
With your partner I suspect that when he gets his money from the deal he will be back in touch as he will feel he is on a more equal footing than before. If you can I would leave him alone for a while. If you do love him I wouldn't ring to ask for the money as this will just put his back up. I think it would be wise to write it off in your mind -if you want him back that is. If you don't hear anything for 2 weeks call him and ask 'hows it going etc' ( don't refer to the money) and be light and breezy. This row just brought out a load of home truths and once time has passed the contents of the row will diminish in his mind.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 June 2008):
 Buying a secured spot? Other than financial, it sounds as if you were emotionally suportive. Love should be the secured spot. No one really has purchasing power when it comes to emotions.
I can see your side in wanting to be with him. At the same time I can see his side of leaving. By this fight you took his already feeling inadequate to himself, and told him you see him the same way.
I'm sure you've both been going through a stressful time. You allowed your stress to take over, and cause an issue which is caused by the situation and not him as a person.
Because of not knowing the whole situation, the advise I have to give is to validate how your behavior affected him. It's not a matter of saying your sorry. It's his seeing you understand the affect this has on him. When you want someone back, it's not about how you feel or what you want. It's about his seeing the benefit of you two being together, and feeling by being with you what happened won't repeat.
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A
male
reader, wildman +, writes (14 June 2008):
 Its time to move on unfortunately. good luck
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